"wanna present *your/our version of the Great Vowel Movement, b'feed? tsuwm thinks *he made it up"

Just try an' stop me, you and what army of linguists?

This theory is based on research conducted during my first venture outside of North America in 1975. On the way to and from the Soviet Union, I spent about two days each in Hungary and Finland, being equally bewildered by anything in print in both places. Of course, there was the odd loan word, like "Rice Krispies" that helped me out, but I was in verbal distress until the explanation came to me in a vision. Or maybe it was just something I ate. Anyway, suddenly I could see a great cultural schism occurring in a nameless central European tribe back at the dawn of time. Owing to their irreconcilable differences, about which we can only speculate, one bunch headed north with all of the vowels, eventually settling in Finland. Having crossed the finish line, you know.

The other lot stubbornly stayed in place in central Europe, with a death-like grip on all the consonants, obsessively holding on to them without regard to any comforts or necessities, until they got pretty hungry.

Centuries later, no animosity remains, but recent studies by the eminent German etymologist, Reiner Zufall, suggest that transposing Finnish text over Hungarian will actually produce something intelligible to speakers of Indo-European languages.

Ms Strophic and I, traveling in Europe the following summer, endeavored to prove this last point by sending home postcards from Hungary containing only consonants. We succeeded in trying the patience of our loved ones, but accomplished little else.

Our joint research is written up in many formerly reputable journals, and may be found by consulting the index under "Feces Equi".

Well, you asked.