Moe: [gasps] Am I really that ugly?
Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? [Lenny looks grief-stricken] Is Barney that drunk? [Barney is saddened] Is Homer really that lazy, bald, and fat? [Homer also looks stricken]
Moe: Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought! [Moe and all the bar patrons except Carl literally cry in their beers]
Carl:[to the camera] See, this is why I don't talk much.
- The guys try to console Moe by pointing out he's not as ugly as the people at White Castle.
Moe: Aw, c'mon, look at me, I'm a gargoyle. What with the cauliflower ear there, and the lizard lips ...
Carl: ... little rat eyes ...
Homer: ... caveman brow ...
Lenny: ... don't forget that fish mouth.
Moe: Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.
Lenny: Or listen to.
Carl: Or be with.
---------------------------
... and if that ain't funny enough...
---------------------------
[the scene flashes back to many years ago. Moe has his old face, an afro-like hairstyle and big sideburns]
Moe: It all goes back to my acting days. I was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow on the hit soap, "It Never Ends."
[reading from a script] Angela, I'm afraid I --
Producer: [interrupting] Thank you; next!
[dejected, Moe leaves]
[to Casting producer] What were you thinking?
Casting: Well, you said you wanted gritty. In other words, ugly.
Producer: I wanted Mary Ann on "Gilligan's Island" ugly, not Cornelius on "Planet of the Apes" ugly. TV-ugly, not ... ugly-ugly.
[Moe is behind one of the sets, eavesdropping with a stethoscope. Naturally, he is shattered by what he hears]
[flash back to the present]
Moe: I've been called ugly, pug-ugly, fugly, pug-fugly, but never ugly-ugly.
Homer: Well, it's time to get some closure ... extreme closure.
