[NOTE: One obscenity follows ...]
A minister wanted to buy his wife something unusual for her birthday. On impulse, he ducked into a pet shop to have a look at the animals, thinking that a pet would be a good present.
But although he looked at every animal in the shop, he couldn't see anything which he thought would be anything other than a nuisance after the first few days. He discussed the situation with the pet shop owner.
"Is your wife religious?" the owner asked.
"Oh, she's very pious," the minister replied, "she goes to church more often than I do. She's quite saintly, in fact."
"Well then," the pet shop owner said, "I may have just the thing. Hang on a minute." And he went out the back and came back with a motley-looking parrot in a tatty-looking cage. The only unusual thing about it was that there was a piece of string dangling from each of the parrot's legs.
"Noooo, I don't think so," the minister said. "It doesn't look very attractive." The parrot hunched up on its perch and went to sleep.
"Wait, wait," the owner said, "It's special. See those two strings?" The minister nodded.
"Well, if you tug the one on its left leg, it sings 'Onward Christian Soldiers'. If you pull the string on its right leg, it sings 'There is a Green Hill Far Away'. How's that?"
The minister was intrigued. "Show me," he said.
The pet shop owner opened the cage door and gently tugged on the string on the parrot's left leg. The parrot woke up and sang every verse of "Onward Christian Soldiers" in key and with perfect timing and diction. The minister was impressed. "And the other one?" he asked.
The owner reached into the cage again and tugged the string on the parrot's right leg. The parrot did a perfect rendition of "There is a Green Hill Far Away".
"I'll take it!" the minister cried, "It's the perfect gift for my lovely wife!"
So he took the parrot home and showed to his wife immediately, because he couldn't think of a way to hide it until that Sunday, which was her birthday. He went through the routine with her, showing her how it sang hymns when you tugged on the strings. She clapped her hands in delight and kissed her proud hubby.
"Oh, it's just the most perfect birthday present I've ever had, sweetheart!" she cooed. Then she stopped and thought for a minute and asked him: "And what happens if you pull both strings together?"
The parrot declared: "I fall off the fucking perch, you dumb bitch!"
