Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, Barristers
Gringotts Building, 9th Level
Diagon Alley, London, England
Our motto: Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

Re: Beastly files (various)

Internal Memorandum: outline of charges to be finled against Mr. Edward Beastly on behalf of various clients, private and governments. In no particular order. FIRST DRAFT

1) intentional infliction of emotional distress (admission of seeking "Schadenfreude")
2) assault (threatening bodily injury): "I shall seek auditory revenge of the most droning kind."
3) assault with a deadly weapon (bagpipes)
4) physical batttery; viz., "goosing"
5) violation of Federal Mann Act (transporting women across estate lines for immoral purposes)
6) violation of union rules and collective bargaining agreement of the local harlots' union (Sisterhood of Minxes, Local ___ [hereinafter referred to as SM"] )
7) "gathering rosebuds" destruction of flora in public park
8) "gathering rosebuds" of a another sort
9) indecent exposure (kilt and fan)
10) breach of promise (related charge, against Jackie, of alienation of affections)
11) breach of oral contract (admission: "I cancelled out on our New Year's Eve plans.")
12) theft of goods (bar tab) and of services (lap dances) from Dick's Club
13) issuing rubber cheque
14) violation of international Migratory Birds Treaty
15) violation of Mad Cow Disease regulations
16) solicitation for prositition for profit (note claim that expense thereof is expense of a "business")
17) generalized fowl play
18) importing french hens: (a) unlicensed; (b) nonpayment of customs duties; (c) violating quarantine requirements
19) violation of postal regulations (delivery of live animals by post)
20) cruelty to animals
21) disturbing the peace (a) barnyard noise; (b) bagpipes
22) defamation: (a) "Has your mum trimmed her moustache?" (b) "You wretched slime-breathed hussy!"
23) destruction of private property
24) Environmental Protection statutes: (a) pollution of groundwater (animal waste) (b) illegal dumping (fly-dumping)
25) maintaining a nuisance (offensive odors; noises)
26) trespass
27) littering
28) Regarding prostitution business: (a) failure to provide safe workplace (SHA standards); (b) failure to provide wheel-chair-access, per Americans with Disabilities Act; (c) gender discrimination in employment (hired only "maids" and "ladies"; no males) (d) excessive working hours (24/7)
29) payroll impropieties: failures to: (a) withhold income taxes (federal and state); (b) withhold social security taxes (FICA); (c) remit workman's compensation premium to state.
30) zoning violation: maintaining a farm in an R-2 residential district