Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, Barristers
Gringotts Building, 9th Level
Diagon Alley, London, England
Our motto: Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

Mr. Edward Beastly
Beastly, Rotten & Scoundrel
De-basement Level
Shitehill Towers
London W1

Jan. 5, 2000

Sir:

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the London Misharmonia Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

You may anticipate receipt by separate post of various legal actions I have been instructed to initiate against you on behalf of Miss Wilbraham, and also on behalf of several other clients who have been both injured and outraged by your behavior. (It is now you, and not Miss Wilbraham, who is [as they say] "in deep s**t".)

Please be informed that Miss Wilbraham has now found the true love of her life, has been so fortunate has to find her passion reciprocated, and has eloped to a location to forever remain unknown to you. By the time you receive this missive our client will be playing a sweet duet, and will then and thereafter have the honour to be known as Mrs. Emily Wilbraham Musick.

I am, Sir,

yours faithfully,
I. Suem (f/k/a "t.suwm"), Barrister