I have a English-German letter writer - a book printed in 1870 which gives sample correspondence of all kinds, business and personal, in both English and German. I'm guessing that my ancestors used it to learn English as a second language.

There is a web site which will "translate" text into something vicious, supposedly to enable the mild-mannered to express themselves more forcibly. See www.thespark.com/burn

I decided to see what would happen if I gave the 21st century web service some 19th century letters of admonition. The result was disappointing and vile. I prefer the more elegant letter writer versions.

Here are the letter writer versions, along with the website translations. Because the translations are vulgar, I have obscured them to protect the delicate...

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Sir:

I should never have thought you capable of writing to me so impertinently as you have done. But your letter is a true mirror of the meanness of your character, of which I have had already too many proofs to my sorrow, and I am happy to avail myself of this opportunity to terminate a disagreeable acquaintance.

Sir:

I should never have thought you and your monkey capable of writing to fuckin' my stupid ass so god-damn impertinently as you have done. Mind if I cram your neck? But your sorry letter is a goddamn true mirror of the fucking meanness of your sorry character, of which I have had already too ass-grabbing many proofs to my cockgobbling sorrow, and I am happy to fuckin' avail myself of this bullshit opportunity to fuckin' terminate a disagreeable acquaintance.


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Sir:

When I requested you to collect of me a debt, due to me by Mr S, you were not only willing to undertake the commission, but promised to attend to it diligently, so as to obtain a settlement, probably in a month. After the expiration of this term I did not even receive a letter from you, and only learned accidently that Mr S had been called upon for the payment of the debt. This delay will cause me considerable embarrassment; for, as I told you at the time, I required the money to meet a certain necessary expense. Should you hesitate in pushing this matter, I request you to return by the bearer the note of hand, against which he will deliver you your receipt for the same; but if you are inclined to do me that favor, I must request you to hasten the collection as much as possible.

Respecfully,


Sir:

When I requested you to collect of my stupid ass a goddamn debt, due to fuckin' my stupid ass by Mr S, you were not only willing to undertake the fucking commission, but promised to fuckin' attend to fuckin' that bastard diligently, so god-damn as to obtain a settlement, probably in a month. After the fucking expiration of this bullshit term I did not even receive a letter from you, and only learned accidently that Mr S had been called upon for the fucking payment of the fucking debt. This bullshit delay will cause my stupid ass considerable embarrassment; for, as I told you at the fucking time, I required the fucking drug money to fuckin' meet a fuckin' certain necessary expense. Are you listening? Should you hesitate in pushing this bullshit matter, I request you to fuckin' return by the fucking bearer the fucking note of hand, against which he will deliver you your sorry receipt for the fucking same; but if you and your monkey are inclined to fuckin' do my stupid ass that favor, I must request you to hasten the fucking collection as much as possible.

Respecfully,


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Sir:

As you have forgotten yourself so far as to attempt a personal attack upon a member of the society, for an innocent jest and a supposed insult, and thereby have disturbed a society where order and decency are the first laws, I am obliged, with the concurrence of all the members, who all feel hurt at your outrageous conduct, to request you not to return any more to the rooms of the society, where only peace and concord should reign. I remain,

Most respectfully


Sir:

As you and your sluts have forgotten yourself so god-damn far as to fuckin' attempt a personal attack upon a goddamn member of the fucking society, for an innocent just and a supposed insult, and thereby have disturbed a goddamn society where the fuck order and decency are the fucking first laws, I am obliged, with the fucking concurrence of all the fucking members, who all feel hurst at your sorry outrageous conduct, to fuckin' request you and your sluts not to return any more to the fucking rooms of the fucking society, where the fuck only peace and concord should reign. I remain,

Most respectfully