I'm doing the whole post due to what your signature line says.
 Originally Posted By: callithump
Someone asksed me for some advices on the draft below. The person wants to use this as a script to introduce herself in an interview which is part of the process of admission test for a university. I gave some advice, bBut I think maybe it can be further polished, though I can't find any other problems .

Any suggestions?:)

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(Opening)

Good Afternoon/Morning,
I'm Pinyin and I'm very happy to be here.
Ok.

(Personal and Family Information)

I was born in 1982 in the city of SomeCityName, XXX Province.
Present something about your family. My mother is a teacher. She gave me a lot of positive influence was very supportive -or- has been a very positive influence since myan early age. My father works with works with the -or- works in the -or- My father is in -or- My father is in the government. He is kind whileyet strict with us in US, I would assume "us" was my brothers and sisters and me, but is that a problem in China? . I’m grateful to them for bringing me up -or- for raising me and supporting me in every respect, for example, my education.

(Education)
In 2002, I entered SomeCityName Normal University, majoring in pre-schooling education. For this major, we systematically studied the courses such as in education, pedagogiesy, psychology, literature, fine arts, and sociology, etc. (I might leave the etc in in writing but while speaking it seems strained to me to leave people guessing while you continue speaking as to what other things might fit in with those other things)
I also minored in Law and studied many took extra courses on law. (I'm assuming this means she took more law courses than required for a minor, if not, I'd leave it out.)

(Achievements)
I got some certificates when in college, such as:
 CET 4 qualification
 Putonghua Test Level 2,First Class.
 Level 1 in the computer skills test of Jiangsu Province
And
 National Public Aerobics Test, Level 4.

So I have no much difficulty with English, Putonghua or Computer. And I can do well in some popular sports.
(This list is very awkward orally, if she is also giving a written resume that contains these, I would shorten it to something like)
While in college, I received certificates for CET 4, Putonghua, computer skills, and aerobics.
I also got some awards.
For example, iIn 2006, my dissertation “Research on Nursery Educator’s Efficacy and its Influence Factors” was awardedrecognized as the first class among all the undergraduate dissertations in Jiangsu. I got several awards from the school in sports and cultureal activities, as well as some and honors or titles including Outstanding Student Cadre. I wrote many articles, some of which were awarded too.received awards. (the word award is used a lot there, but if they are all called awards then call them awards)

(Work Experiences)
When in college I also worked part-timely as a teachers in some kindergartens -or- as a kindergarten teacher in ACity and AnotherCity, my hometown, orand as a home tutors. These positions -or- jobs gave me many opportunities to apply what I learned and to knowdetermine what I still need to learn further.
After I graduated from the university (are college and university interchangeable terms where you are? some places they aren't, so I thought I'd point out that you've switched back and forth) in 2006, I went to work as an instructor in at the School of International Trade, XXX Institute of Technology. I’m responsible for student’s (if this were written we could discuss whether it should be student, students', etc. but orally it doesn't matter affairs and writes articles to promote and publicize our school.

(Self-Comment)
I like writing, dancing, performing and fine arts in my spare time. (insert the part about enjoying several sports which I deleted from the awards section)(also, these are very broad categories - performing, fine arts, popular sports - you may (or may not) want to give one or two more specifics or it may (or may not) sound like just padding, e.g. I like writing poetry, traditional folk dancing, performing music and painting. I also enjoy playing tennis and volleyball.

I’m a very positive and optimistic person, honest and cordial. (That odd sentence will work orally but I wouldn't write it in a resume) When it comes to work, I’m prudential, careful and responsible. I learn things fastquickly and think creatively while communicating well with peers. All of these qualities enable me to do well in my work.

Last edited by Myridon; 04/01/08 09:33 PM.