Someone asks me for some advices on the draft below. The person wants to use this as a script to introduce herself in an interview which is part of the process of admission test for a university. I gave some. But I think maybe it can be further polished, though I can't find.

Any suggestions?:)

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(Opening)

Good Afternoon/Morning,
Very happy to be here.
Ok.

(Personal and Family Information)

My name is Pinyin.
I was born in 1982 in the city of SomeCityName, XXX Province.
Present something about your family. My mother is a teacher. She gave me a lot of positive influence since my early age. My father works with government. He is kind while strict with us. I’m grateful to them for bringing me up and supporting me in every respect, for example, my education.

(Education)
In 2002, I entered SomeCityName Normal University, majoring in pre-schooling education. For this major, we systematically studied the courses such as education, pedagogies, psychology, literature, fine arts, sociology, etc.
I also minored in Law and studied many courses on law.
I got some certificates when in college, such as:
 CET 4 qualification
 Putonghua Test Level 2,First Class.
 Level 1 in the computer skills test of Jiangsu Province
And
 National Public Aerobics Test, Level 4.

So I have no much difficulty with English, Putonghua or Computer. And I can do well in some popular sports.

(Achievements)
I also got some awards.
For example, in 2006, my dissertation “Research on Nursery Educator’s Efficacy and its Influence Factors” was awarded as the first class among all the undergraduate dissertations in Jiangsu. I got several awards from the school in sports and culture activities, as well as some honors or titles including Outstanding Student Cadre. I wrote many articles, some of which were awarded too.

(Work Experiences)
When in college I also worked part-timely as teachers in some kindergartens in ACity and AnotherCity, my hometown, or as home tutors. These gave me many opportunities to apply what I learn and to know what I still need to learn further.
After I graduated from the university in 2006, I went to work as an instructor in School of International Trade, XXX Institute of Technology. I’m responsible for student’s affairs and writes articles to promote and publicize our school.

(Self-Comment)
I like writing, dancing, performing and fine arts in my spare time. I’m a very positive and optimistic person, honest and cordial. When it comes to work, I’m prudential, careful and responsible. I learn things fast, and think creatively while communicating well with peers. All of these enable me to do well in my work.

Do inform me if you see any corrections needed in my written English.