If I said "as useless as teats on a taxicab" is that less quaint and more offensive?

I'm not sure about the offensive question, but in NY it would be "...seats in a taxi cab" (er.. at least my two tree rides in them).

"The lawn needs mowed."

He was a'sayin' "this lawn need mowin'", but he done had a head cold.

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Something tells me (although I've not sat through one of Dr'Phil's "sessions" <ahem>) that he would never use the quite *popular phrase "You go stick that where your mama never washed".