Well, it's over a week later, and I'm not much closer to finding the precise word, although I've further fleshed out the problem. In fact, I've changed the working title to "Unchain Your Own Heart--How to Unlove Someone in 30 Days...or Less." All your contributions are so appreciated!

Chapter 1 – Defining the Challenge

The first chapter of any self-help book is probably hardest to pen because much groundwork must be laid for the discussion that follows. The vocabulary for the topic must sometimes be defined, especially when the topic is esoteric or emotion laden. Sometimes there isn’t even a word for what is meant to be conveyed. Such is the “problem” of what to call the person for or with whom we experienced a profound love but from whom we must now emotionally extricate ourselves, especially when we would rather maintain or advance the relationship but circumstances prevent us from doing so.

Upon first taking to my keyboard, I referred to my former lover as "my beloved.” Some who reviewed the beginning drafts of this book suggested that I refer to him in a less romantic or endearing term; that the very use of the word “beloved” suggested an ongoing relationship with that person. My beloved, I was told, is too reverential, idealized and present-tense. The relationship is over, even if in name only, so the word for that person should reflect this.

My critiquers offered many suggestions. Words like “my attachment,” “the one I loved” or “past lover” were suggested to take the charge off a discussion about a beloved. “The Stringer” was suggested, as in someone who strings us along until we’re worn out from his/her disingenuousness. "The Ember" was another good suggestion, as in still very warm but no longer in the fire, and because of that the relationship will eventually die out. For a more wistful term, there's "lost love." There’s always ex-lover, but how do you ex-love someone? There’s “past love,” “ex-boyfriend/ girlfriend,” “former sweetheart,” etc., but none of these terms hit the nail on the head. Someone whimsically suggested, “the one whose protective shell remained impervious to the love I poured over it” but that’s another book entirely!

I resisted any words with even a hint of condemnation. I submit that it’s unhelpful to demonize or neutralize the beloved and, during my own detachment, I refused to do so. We can cherish the memories and recognize the authenticity of the relationship by acknowledging, “I would not be who I am without this experience.” The relationship happened. It had a soul and a life force, albeit a force that needs to be forsaken now.

Our language really has no precise word for the feeling of longing and desire for a love that one knows will never be. Such a word would have to encompass the emotions one feels when thinking of such a person, as well as the broader ideas of lost love, lost hope and lost time. To condense all of those things down into one stand-alone, somewhat clinical definition is quite a task, which may be why an apt word does not yet exist.

Finally, I thought, I’ll have to coin a word—for there surely is a language gap—to describe a love that must be abandoned while still fervently felt. Naming a thing gives us a certain amount of control over its effect on us inwardly. And since this is a book about taking back your heart, control—at long last—is a very fine thing indeed.

The lyrics of this song come closest to what I wanted to convey.

"Unlove Me" (lyrics by Julie Roberts)

Unloose this hold you've got on me
Unlock this heart that can't get free
Unlive the nights you kissed and hugged me
Undream the dreams that we both shared
Unfeel the feelin' that you cared

Before you leave me, please unlove me
Unmake all the memories I can't forget
Let me go back to the way I was before we met
Back to the day when I was strong

When it wasn't sad to be alone
When I was happy-go-lucky
And I didn't know how good it felt
To hold you and feel my heart melt

Show me a little mercy and unlove me
Untie all the strings between your heart and mine
But do it real slow, so I don't have to lose you all at one time

Before you pack your bags and leave
One thing I wish you'd do for me
Take a little time to just unlove me

Unmake all the memories I can't forget
Let me go back to the way I was before we met
Unloose this hold you've got on me
Unlock this heart that can't get free

Before you leave me, please unlove me
Show a little mercy and unlove me

When reading the "Unlove Me" lyrics, I couldn't help but hear the late, great Ray Charles pleading

Unchain my heart, baby let me be,
Unchain my heart, 'cause you don't care about me.
You got me sewn up like a pillow case,
But you let my love go to waste,
So unchain my heart, oh please, baby, set me free.

Unchain my heart, baby let me go,
Unchain my heart, 'cause you don't love me no more,
Every time I call you on the phone,
Some fella tells me that you're not at home,

I'm under your spell, like a man in a trance,
But I know darn well, that I don't stand a chance.

Unchain my heart, let me go my way,
Unchain my heart, you worry me night and day.
Why lead me through a life of misery,
When you don't care a bag of beans for me,
So unchain my heart, oh please, baby, set me free.

I'm under your spell, like a man in a trance,
You know darn well, that I don't stand a chance.

So unchain my heart, let me go my way,
Unchain my heart, you worry me night and day.
Why lead me through a life of misery,
When you don't care a bag of beans for me,
So unchain my heart, please, baby, set me free.

Won't you set me free...

It struck me that the lyrics to both songs are actually expressing the opposite of the goal of this book, which is to empower one to unchain their own heart, rather than ceding control of the "unlove" process to the unrequiter by pleading with him/her to release the bonds. We're talking about you, the Lover, and your need to release yourself from love that falls short of the mutual love, respect and commitment you deserve.

Perhaps "the Unloved" works well here at the start of the process of unloving a beloved, but maybe not so well down the road. Unloved is pronounced like the noun form of beloved (bee-lov-ved) and, in this context, is also a noun. Un-lov-ved. In any event, I’ll avoid the straitjacket of using any term exclusively and, for now, if only to provide brevity for the reader, most of the time call the object of our love “the Unloved” and our own role as “the Lover.”

While this book will not directly address the emotional needs of the Unloved, there are several scenarios in which the skills promoted by this book are appropriate, including:

1) The Unloved is loved from afar, and s/he may not even know that the Lover is in love with them, and has certainly never expressed love for the Lover;

2) The Unloved is in a relationship with the Lover, and may even express love for the Lover, but acts in a selfish, cold, unloving way;

3) The Unloved is in fact madly in love with the Lover, but is a person who isn’t right for the Lover, or who may be the right person at the wrong time or is unavailable, emotionally or legally or both.

There are probably more permutations of love entanglements that fall short of the reciprocal love, attention and focus you seek. The bottom line is that, you, the Lover, must move on. By defining the object of your love in a matter-of-fact way, you take the wistful longing out of your everyday life, turn it into productive love energy and point it toward the future.

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