CathCoy,
Maybe what you want to say in a single word just can’t be done adequately right now. Such a word would have to encompass the emotions one feels when thinking of such a person, as well as the broader ideas of lost love, lost hope, lost time, etc., combined with the more objective aspects you mentioned of not wanting to “demonize or even neutralize the Beloved”, and the awareness of having exercised “good judgment”. To condense all of those things down into one stand-alone, somewhat clinical definition would be quite a task. Consider too that what you are describing is not something that most people have thought about. In a way, your thoughts do not have the luxury of a ready context in our society’s thoughts about ex-loves.
Perhaps you could construct an analogy or metaphor that represents such a person, the place he or she holds in one’s life, and all the feelings that go along with him or her. Once established, condense the analogy or metaphor further by trying to encapsulate it into a referencing phrase or term. (As a marginal example, in Portuguese Fado, the feeling of longing and desire for love that one knows will never be, could be represented by the metaphor of an empty wine glass.) Maybe, in going through such a process, you will remember the word you are looking for, or find the right word to express your concept.
Once your book is published, and perhaps others dealing with the same subject matter, a context will begin to take shape in our society’s thoughts that may, one day, make the perfect word self-evident.
