And here's my convoluted story...

ABNER, head still wrapped in his costume BANDANA, reared back in
his deck chair and drank a solitary TOAST to his final
performance in the OLD TRAP Theater's production of El CID. His
stagefright jitters were a distant memory as he submitted
willingly to the cooling ZEPHYR that wafted gently over his
frame, which was clad in a CRISP seersucker SUIT.

As he sipped his COGNAC in blissful COMFORT, he reviewed his
peformance with uncharacteristic CANDOR. From the HOUSE, his
favorite Perry COMO CD provided an upbeat accompaniment to his
musings.

"Well," he thought, "I may never be a Hollywood STAR, but the
play was no FAUST either. And I certainly can out-act JOE the
Judgmental Jew and that GAY twerp GEORGE, who both think they're
God's gift to local theater.

"I can't believe Joe called me a MISENHIEMER just because I
suggested that he might want to take a few acting lessons before
he tries treading the boards again. He told me I was being
preachy again. I sure fixed him with my witty comeback, 'No,
Joe, I'm being TEACHEY, and you'd best be learny.'

His housemaid, BULADEAN, interrupted his reverie to announce that
"Miss LIZZIE is on the phone." He rose and followed the swishing
CALICO skirt of his servant. As he entered his study, he
automatically reached up and straightened the HORSE SHOE that
hung lopsidedly over the doorway.

"Hello, Lizzie," he said.

"Abner!" she said urgently. "I need your help!"

Sensing her anxiety, he spoke in his calming tone of voice:
"Now, Lizzie, settle down. Tell me what's wrong."

"Oh, Abner," she cried. "It was just awful! I was over in TIN
CITY, driving down OLD HUNDRED, when suddenly she just leaps out
in front of me. She came from nowhere! It like scared me to
death!"

"Hold on, now, honey," Abner said. "Who jumped out in front of
you?"

"Crazy MAMIE, Abner!" Lizzie replied. "Crazy Mamie with her
SCALY face and her nails carved to a STUMPY POINT!"

"Did you hit her?" Abner inquired.

"No, but I ran off the road. And when I got out of the car to
check for damage, I stepped smack-dab on a BUGHILL, and got stung
something terrible."

"Tell me you weren't barefoot, " Abner said disapprovingly.

"Yes, I'm afraid I was," said Lizzie. And now my toes are
itching so bad, I'm afraid I'll scratch them down to STUBBS.
Will you tell me what to do?"

"WHYNOT?" said Abner, who in addition to being a pretty fine
actor was also a practiced hand at folk medicine. "Just break a
STEM off your aloe plant, crush it, and add it to a tub of water
and EPSOM salts. Soak your tootsies in that, and you should get
relief."

"My hero!" exclaimed Lizzie. "You truly give me HEARTSEASE."

"My pleasure," said Abner. "Will I QUITS? NA."

THE END