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#54480 - 01/30/02 07:13 PM Non-Slanderous Political Speech
Candiru Offline

Registered: 01/30/02
Posts: 2
Loc: GA, USA
Well, I just discovered this place, and thought I would share a speech that you’ll never hear from any politician. I was shown this by a psychology teacher of mine, and have thus re-written it. Any grammatical errors are my own, and after reading the thread entitled “sadness”, I am unsure of what to expect when the forum members notice them. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it…

My fellow citizens, it is an honor and pleasure to be here today. My opponent has openly admitted he feels an affinity towards your city, but I happen to like this area. It might be a salubrious place to him, but to me it is one of the nations most delightful garden spots.
When I embarked upon this political campaign, I hoped that it could be conducted on a high level, and that my opponent would be willing to stick to the issues. Unfortunately, he has decided to be tractable instead -- to indulge in unequivocal language, to eschew the use of outright lies in his “speeches,” and even to make repeated veracious statements about me.
At first I tried to ignore these scrupulous, unvarnished fidelities. Now I will do so no longer. IF MY OPPONENT WANTS A FIGHT, HE’S GOING TO GET ONE!
It might be instructive to start with his background. My friends, have you ever accidentally dislodged a rock on the ground and seen what was underneath? Well exploring my opponent’s background is dissimilar. All the slime and filth and corruption you can possibly imagine, even in your wildest dreams, are glaringly non-existent in this mans life, even in his childhood!
Let us take a very quick look at that childhood: It is a known fact that, on a number of occasions, he emulated older boys at a certain playground. It is also known that his parents not only permitted him to masticate excessively in their presence, but also even urged him to do so. Most explicable of all, this man who poses as a paragon of virtue exacerbated his own sister when they were both teenagers!
I ask you my fellow Americans: Is this the kind of person we want in public office to set an example for our youth?
Of course, it’s not surprising that he should have such a typically pristine background -- no, not when you consider the other members of his family.
His female relatives put on a constant pose of purity, innocence, and claim they are inscrutable, yet every one of them had taken part in hortatory activities.
The men in the family are likewise completely amenable to moral suasion.
My opponent’s second cousin is Mormon. And his uncle was a flagrant heterosexual. His sister, who has always been obsessed by sects, once worked as a prosily outside a church. His father was secretly chagrined at least a dozen times by matters of a pecuniary nature. His youngest brother wrote an essay extolling the virtues of being Homo sapiens. His great-aunt expired from a degenerative disease. His nephew subscribes to a phonographic magazine. His wife was a thespian before their marriage and even performed the act in front of paying customers. And his own mother had to resign from a woman's organization in her later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian.
Now what shall we say of the man himself? I can tell you in solemn truth that he is the very antithesis of political radicalism, economic irresponsibility and personal depravity. His own record proves that he has frequently discountenanced treasonable, un-American philosophies, and has perpetuated many overt acts as well.
He perambulated his infant son on the streets. He practiced nepotism with his uncle and first cousin. He attempted to interest a 13-year-old girl into philately. He participated in a séance at a private residence where, among other odd goings-on, there was incense. He has declared himself in favor of more homogeneity on college campuses. He has advocated social intercourse in mixed company -- and has even taken part in such gatherings himself. He has been deliberately averse to crime in our city streets. He has urged our Protestant and Jewish citizens to develop more Catholic tastes. Last summer he committed a piscatorial act from the deck of a boat that was flying the American Flag.
Finally, at a time when we must be on our guard against all foreign isms, he has coolly announced his belief in altruism -- and his fervent hope that some day this entire nation will be altruistic!
I beg you, my friends, to oppose this man whose life work and ideas are so openly and avowedly compatible with our American way of life. A vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation of everything we hold dear.


tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis
tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis

#54481 - 01/30/02 07:24 PM Re: Non-Slanderous Political Speech
Angel Offline

Registered: 12/28/01
Posts: 688
Bravo! And welcome aBoard! [thumbs up-e] By the way, know where we can find a candidate like that?

#54482 - 01/30/02 08:04 PM Re: Non-Slanderous Political Speech
wwh Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 01/18/01
Posts: 13858
His opponentwas obviously unfit to be in politics. He would have been incapable of functioning in public office.

Just one thing, Candiru: I would not care to go bathing with you.

#54483 - 01/30/02 10:09 PM Re: Non-Slanderous Political Speech
Bobyoungbalt Offline

Registered: 11/22/00
Posts: 1289
Very amusing, Candiru; enjoyed it very much. Also instructive to anyone who is not familiar with all those fairly unusual words and takes the time to LIU.

And although I found nothing wrong with your grammar or spelling, it wouldn't matter. In spite of what you might think from our mutual recent lucubrations, it is unheard of for anyone to criticise the grammar or spelling of another on this board, except to make a joke or maybe ask a question about it. So WELCOME and hope to hear more from you.

#54484 - 01/31/02 12:36 AM Re: Non-Slanderous Political Speech
WhitmanO'Neill Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 03/13/01
Posts: 4189
Loc: Rio Grande, Cape May County, N...
Welcome to our Madcap Menagerie, Candiru! And thanks for adding some smiles with that great debut post! Loved it! For all his eloquacious thespianizing, the elocutioner gets my vote!

#54485 - 01/31/02 07:23 AM Re: Non-Slanderous Political Speech
Jackie Online   content

Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 03/15/00
Posts: 11613
Loc: Louisville, Kentucky
Sorry, I was halfway through it before it dawned on me what the point was. Call me dense. Welcome aBoard, Candiru.

#54486 - 01/31/02 07:37 AM Re: Non-Slanderous Political Speech
Keiva Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 08/04/01
Posts: 2605
Wow, Candiru! Let me buy you a beer!

By the way, I have uncovered further data about your opponent. As a college student he matriculated with numerous women, without benefit of marriage, and actually shared a curriculum with every one of them.

#54487 - 01/31/02 08:06 AM Re:Candiru
AnnaStrophic Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 03/15/00
Posts: 6511
Loc: lower upstate New York
Great post and disgustingly wonderful handle!

for those who aren't yet aware of this unique creature, here are two links (warning: not for the weak~ gross-out quotient: HIGH):

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/010907.html - Cecil Adams

http://www.sumauma.net/amazonian/forest/forest-cand.html - a "poem"

#54488 - 01/31/02 09:24 AM Re: Non-Slanderous Political Speech
wow Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 11/25/00
Posts: 3439
Loc: New England, USA
Oh! Oh! ROFL - Glad I was not the reporter covering that speech... I'd have been laughing so hard I'd have never gotten it all down!
Reminds me a headline in a Supermarket tabloid (way back when) that screamed "James Dean dies intestate."
Imagine! An erudite tabloid editor!
Welcome Candiru !

#54489 - 01/31/02 10:17 AM Re: Non-Slanderous Political Speech
Candiru Offline

Registered: 01/30/02
Posts: 2
Loc: GA, USA
I’d just like to thank you all for the warm welcome, and AnnaStrophic for the poem link. The main reason I chose my handle was: 1. It is the scariest creature I can think of, therefore being completely incongruous with my disposition, and 2. I thought it sounded cool.:-) It is also the only known, (at least to me) reason for a peotomy… and for those who haven’t already guessed it, that’s the surgical removal of ones, uhh, “Pleasure” to quote the author of the Candiru poem. Interesting fact: one of the most prolific contributors to the OED performed an AUTOpeotomy. He was also quite mad to boot! Looking forward to more loquacious discussions.

tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis
tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis

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