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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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January 4th
Well, helloooooo, to you, Miss Dung Head! I'll bet the droning rhonchus of the pipers keeps your sweet heart (sweetheart, yeah, right--in a pig's eye!) from missing the sound of your mother's unforgettable voice now that she's been taken away (ha! ha!--They've come and taken her away--ha! ha!). Play on, pipers! Play on! I'll keep writing the bloody cheques to keep the hire of ye'! There's No Business Like Schadenfreude Business!
And it wasn't the December wind, my little bird of great goggles and keen observation, that blew their kilts up. I hired out a wind machine to guarantee your amusement on that account while on the lawn. The old Emily would have laughed and blushed and blown me kisses for such a trick, but not this new permutation: faithless, humourless, and still disturbingly sciapodous. Has this Musick Man Person seen the size of your pieds, Clementine? Don't imagine he's going to want to take too many of the "steps" you mention once he gets a good look at how treacherous a walk that would be.
No regards at all, strumpet!
Mr. Beastly
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stranger
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stranger
Joined: Dec 2001
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Inland Revenue Department
Office of the Commissioner of Inland Revenue
P.O. Box 666
London EC1
January 5, 2002
Beastly, Rotten & Scoundrel
Basement Level
Shitehill Towers
London W1
Attention: Edward Beastly
Re: Non-payment of PAYE
Dear Mr Beastly
It has come to the attention of this Office that you have recently employed a number of persons. No information has been received from your firm as to employee details, the first day of employment. No PAYE has been remitted for these employees.
This situation is unusual, in that the Office would not normally know about your new employees. However, some of them have been in contact with the Office and have provided us with your name and address.
Please remit the required details (enclosed is Form IR21B for that purpose) as soon as possible. To avoid late payment penalties, you should also remit the correct amount of PAYE by return post.
Please also explain to your employees that:
(a) Direct contact with the Office of the Commissioner to claim expenses is not usual. Your firm is expected to pay reasonable expenses. Any legitimate claims against tax paid should be made on the annual tax return form (IR5).
(b) Please also explain to your employees that certain types of claim are unlikely to be accepted by this Office. Examples provided by your employees include:
Breast implants. These may be claimed for by women whose primary employment is in the adult entertainment industry. Acting as milkmaids in a Christmas show (we are unable to determine whether this is a pagent, a pantomime or an unlicensed brothel) does not consitute such a legitimate basis for such claims.
Face lifts. You should understand that telling a female employee that she should “go and have a facelift done with a forklift truck” is probably bad advice. This particular employee appears to have acted on your advice and presented an invoice for £1,212,300 for the purchase of an Ellison five-ton forklift.
Replacement Bagpipe Bags. This may well be a legitimate expense in the context of the primary employment being as a piper in a highland pipe band. However, “accidentally bursting it while ‘aving a bit of rumpy-pumpy” does not constitute a legitimate reason for making a claim.
Guano Removal. A number of claims were put forward for dry-cleaning expenses. It appears that the location at which you require your employees to work is knee-deep in birdshit. That is your problem and constitutes a health hazard. Unfortunately, unless the persons lodging the claim are self-employed, they may not claim for dry-cleaning expenses.
I understand that there are also a number of health-related claims being made to various government agencies. The most interesting of these appears to be a sprained neck injury to one gentleman who apparently displeased another gentleman, whose response was to take the aforementioned first gentleman and to force him, head first, into a cow’s rectum.
I (a) trust that you are paying these people well, and (b) insist that you remit the appropriate amount of PAYE at our earliest convenience, not yours.
A. Buro Crat
(for the Commissioner of Inland Revenue)
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Posts: 6,296 |
January 5, 2002
Dear A. Buro:
Your return address immediately smells suspicious to me. I do NOT believe you are who you SAY you are. Let me be firm on that account, although you could be a mad lady who wears moustaches?
Let me confer with a favorite attorney out of Chicago, Illinois, USA, to see whether his knowledge of foreign legal matters can reach our little village here outside of Chesterfield, England, with its Famous Crooked Squire. I am, I must admit, quite broke--Christmas account long cashed out, and my Chicago connection will most likely take on my case pro bono.
Don't mess around with me, A Bur' (in my side). I've got ways of discovering whether you're bona fide.
Simmering,
E. Beastly
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Carpal Tunnel
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OP
Carpal Tunnel
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Posts: 2,605 |
Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, Barristers
Gringotts Building, 9th Level
Diagon Alley, London, England
Our motto: Abandon hope all ye who enter here.
Mr. Edward Beastly
Beastly, Rotten & Scoundrel
De-basement Level
Shitehill Towers
London W1
Jan. 5, 2000
Sir:
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the London Misharmonia Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
You may anticipate receipt by separate post of various legal actions I have been instructed to initiate against you on behalf of Miss Wilbraham, and also on behalf of several other clients who have been both injured and outraged by your behavior. (It is now you, and not Miss Wilbraham, who is [as they say] "in deep s**t".)
Please be informed that Miss Wilbraham has now found the true love of her life, has been so fortunate has to find her passion reciprocated, and has eloped to a location to forever remain unknown to you. By the time you receive this missive our client will be playing a sweet duet, and will then and thereafter have the honour to be known as Mrs. Emily Wilbraham Musick.
I am, Sir,
yours faithfully,
I. Suem (f/k/a "t.suwm"), Barrister
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Posts: 6,296
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296 |
January 5th
Dear Dewey, Chewey, Huey and Mr. Tsuwey (or however you spell your name):
This is to inform you that your client is a psycho-neurotic, back-stabbing little bit of fluff with no morals, who hangs out with musickians who cannot count beyond four, five on a good day with a decent drummer.
Speaking of, I cannot believe this woman of decidedly plebian taste found nothing to admire in the percussion section of the London Philharmonic, not to mention that touch spéciale of Babatunde, guaranteed master of the call of the groin (i.e., grinding pelvis). I thought for certain she wouldn't be able to resist Baba's djembe, hippoheavipous lap dancer that she is!
When you communicate with your client, tell her I was lying about her rear not being too broad. Be sure not to forget to tell her that. She will come out of hiding, spitting and clawing like the cat devil she is.
Determined to cut off her head,
Edward Beastly
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, Barristers
Gringotts Building, 9th Level
Diagon Alley, London, England
Our motto: Abandon hope all ye who enter here.
Re: Beastly files (various)
Internal Memorandum: outline of charges to be finled against Mr. Edward Beastly on behalf of various clients, private and governments. In no particular order. FIRST DRAFT
1) intentional infliction of emotional distress (admission of seeking "Schadenfreude")
2) assault (threatening bodily injury): "I shall seek auditory revenge of the most droning kind."
3) assault with a deadly weapon (bagpipes)
4) physical batttery; viz., "goosing"
5) violation of Federal Mann Act (transporting women across estate lines for immoral purposes)
6) violation of union rules and collective bargaining agreement of the local harlots' union (Sisterhood of Minxes, Local ___ [hereinafter referred to as SM"] )
7) "gathering rosebuds" destruction of flora in public park
8) "gathering rosebuds" of a another sort
9) indecent exposure (kilt and fan)
10) breach of promise (related charge, against Jackie, of alienation of affections)
11) breach of oral contract (admission: "I cancelled out on our New Year's Eve plans.")
12) theft of goods (bar tab) and of services (lap dances) from Dick's Club
13) issuing rubber cheque
14) violation of international Migratory Birds Treaty
15) violation of Mad Cow Disease regulations
16) solicitation for prositition for profit (note claim that expense thereof is expense of a "business")
17) generalized fowl play
18) importing french hens: (a) unlicensed; (b) nonpayment of customs duties; (c) violating quarantine requirements
19) violation of postal regulations (delivery of live animals by post)
20) cruelty to animals
21) disturbing the peace (a) barnyard noise; (b) bagpipes
22) defamation: (a) "Has your mum trimmed her moustache?" (b) "You wretched slime-breathed hussy!"
23) destruction of private property
24) Environmental Protection statutes: (a) pollution of groundwater (animal waste) (b) illegal dumping (fly-dumping)
25) maintaining a nuisance (offensive odors; noises)
26) trespass
27) littering
28) Regarding prostitution business: (a) failure to provide safe workplace (SHA standards); (b) failure to provide wheel-chair-access, per Americans with Disabilities Act; (c) gender discrimination in employment (hired only "maids" and "ladies"; no males) (d) excessive working hours (24/7)
29) payroll impropieties: failures to: (a) withhold income taxes (federal and state); (b) withhold social security taxes (FICA); (c) remit workman's compensation premium to state.
30) zoning violation: maintaining a farm in an R-2 residential district
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2001
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PUBLIC AND PRIVATE NOTICE
Mr. Edward Thrombuckle Beastly and Miss Jacqueline Dorolicious Sweetie no longer live in Chesterfield of the Famous Crooked Spire.
Neither of the above previous residents of Chesterfield holds any responsibility for bills, cheques, drained credit accounts, flushed out Christmas savings plans, spilled change from mugged pickpockets, broken piggy banks, and any other sources of money claimed to have been overseen by either of them.
Neither do they hold any responsibility for the care and wear of any person or groups of persons in the village in consequence of this season's holiday revels. Their personal motto is, "We are all adults here, after all."
Mr. Beastly and Miss Sweetie will most likely last to have been seen at the departing gate for Tierra del Fuego, shaking their maracas as they prepared to board.
Follow them, only if you dare. They have changed their identities--the plastic surgeons worked wonders--and they have undergone such physical changes that no one could ever guess what they have been before.
Private to Emily Mucus: Leg lifts ain't going to begin to do the job. Consider hipposuction.
Have Tango; Will Travel
"Maracas," Jacks, I said, "Maracas!" Do stop shaking your little tailfeathers! That's a dead giveaway!
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Posts: 3,467 |
I assume this is the Witless Protection Program.
TEd
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Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, Barristers
Status report to: Mr. and Mrs. K. and Emily Musick
Action taken: We have closed our files on these matters.
Reason:
The stalkers are sprung nigh to Chile, wit-pair.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 10,695 Likes: 2
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 10,695 Likes: 2 |
somewhere in Bayou Country...
Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, you one sweet lover done say you gonna sin
little me one present all twelve days of Crissmus. I git so excited I
no take my shrimp boat out fishin, eh? Thanks for de bird in de Pear
tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree
will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.
Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille
an made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of
eating dem darn birds. gave two of dose prissy French chickens to
Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog
Phideaux. Marie needed some sparing partners for her fighting rooster.
Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more friggin birds.
Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could
hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab
traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen' somethin useful. I like dem
golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got
enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da
boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass
turkey!!! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six
gaeases. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his
snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem
wit erster dressing on Christmas day.
Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see
you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem
birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat
stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de
bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de
water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, poor Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his
mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem
cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I
doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work
guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair
contract. Dey probably tink dey too good ta skin nutrias I caught las
night.
Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to
borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call
Lords-a-Leaping across de bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted
a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says,
"Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile.
What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria,
and de cows done eat my turnip greens.
Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman
don't kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid
floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey
doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left
after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I
had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet
paper. De Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords'
royal behin.
Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11
pipers piping arrives today from de House of Blues, second lining as
dey got off de boat. We fixed snuffed goose and beef jambalaya,
finished da whiskey and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he
drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing
with de floozies. Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday,
screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de
mail, doan open it.
Day 12: Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love
anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de
head piper. We decide to open restaurant and gentleman's club on de
bayou. Dem ladies can learn lap dancing and make $20 ever guy come
in. De Lords we stop leapin and make waiters an valet park de boats.
Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I goin train dem set
my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimpin business. We
gonna gross a million clams next year .
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