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#40948 - 09/05/01 01:05 PM PC in the world of QM
tsuwm Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 04/03/00
Posts: 10538
Loc: this too shall pass

As safety experts and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent
trend toward legislation that requires the prominent placing of
warnings on products that present hazards to the general public, yet
we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however
well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really
necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light
of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible professionals and
science enthusiasts, we join together in an intensive push for new
laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably
informative warnings on the packaging of every product in every
category offered for sale. Our suggested list of required warnings
appears below.

WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the
universe, including the products of other manufacturers,
with a force proportional to the product of the masses and
inversely proportional to the distance between them.

WARNING: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of
85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically
charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five
hundred million miles per hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle", it is
impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time
both precisely where this product is and how fast it is

ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that,
through a process known as "tunneling", this product may
disappear from its present location and reappear at any
random place in the universe, including your neighbor's
domicile. The manufacturer will not be held responsible
for any damages or inconvenience that may result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested
versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles
constituting this product may decay to nothingness within
the next four hundred million years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this
merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a
catastrophic explosion will result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any
manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in
the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the
consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead
to the heat death of the universe.

NOTE: The most fundamental particles of this product are held
together by a "Gluing" force, about which little is
currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not
be permanently guaranteed.

ATTENTION: despite any other listing of product contents found
hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this
product consists of 99.99999999% empty space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically
be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional.
However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no
legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three
dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are
"rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot be

PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the
consumer is not directly observing this product, it may
cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and
undetermined state.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons,
protons, etc) comprising this product are exactly the same
in every measurable respect as those used in the products
of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may
legitimately be expressed or implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since
its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on the velocity
relative to the user.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe,
including this product, may one day collapse into an
infinitesimally small space. Should another universe
subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product
cannot be guaranteed.

#40949 - 09/05/01 01:29 PM PC/QM
Fiberbabe Offline
old hand

Registered: 01/12/01
Posts: 771
Loc: Portland, Oregon
Personal Computer in the world of Quordlepleen, Max, eh?

This is hilarity on a screen, tsuwm ~ where ever did you find it? It's going out to all of my physics friends...

#40950 - 09/05/01 01:45 PM Klein bottles guaranteed
Faldage Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 13803
This site http://www.kleinbottle.com/ offers a five year money back guarantee that their klein bottles are 100% magnetic monopole free.


#40951 - 09/05/01 02:49 PM Re: Klein bottles guaranteed
wwh Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 01/18/01
Posts: 13858
Dear Faldage: I would be more excited if Acme Klein bottles were full of magnetic monopoles.

#40952 - 09/05/01 03:25 PM Re: Klein bottles guaranteed
Faldage Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 13803
full of magnetic monopoles

Exactly, Dr. Bill.

#40953 - 09/05/01 03:57 PM
Max Quordlepleen Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 08/12/00
Posts: 3409

#40954 - 09/05/01 04:11 PM Re: PC/QM
tsuwm Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 04/03/00
Posts: 10538
Loc: this too shall pass
fiberbabe rightfully asks where ever did you find it?
it made the rounds via email some while ago and now seems to be widely duplicated on the 'net. credit *seems to belong to Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol. 36, No. 1

max, you too may suffer from OOS one day.
Occupational Overuse Syndrome?
Oxford Ornithological Society??
Out Of Service?!

#40955 - 09/05/01 06:58 PM Re: hypertext
inselpeter Offline

Registered: 03/14/01
Posts: 2379
Loc: New York City
Whereas *TNT should be labeled, "WARNING: the mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of
2.72 trillion tons of TNT per net ounce of weight."

#40956 - 09/05/01 09:12 PM
Max Quordlepleen Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 08/12/00
Posts: 3409

#40957 - 09/05/01 09:38 PM mushrooms
Jackie Offline

Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 03/15/00
Posts: 11613
Loc: Louisville, Kentucky
"this ain't no fun, Gus"
Max, you're a real fun guy.

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