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OP
OP
LOL, tsuwm.
Social Psychology!
OP
|
| You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of
| Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a
| perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the exam.
|
| 1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an
| equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's rest frame, how much
| does God now love Bob?
|
| 2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with sheep S.
| a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following the act if the
| sheep was not willing?
| b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being willing, could
| not be said to mind either?
|
| 3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy
| plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the
| direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates
| bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude
| towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved?
| (Hint: Assume a point soul.)
|
| 4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human
| weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an
| alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time
| t + 10 sec.?
|
| 5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level
| for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and enjoys it
| very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything.
| a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
| b. (10 pts.)Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't so damn
| smug now, is he?
|
| Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo
| transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many
| Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
|
| Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.
meta-physical quiz:
is this funny? does it harm anyone? whom does it intend to harm?
Reminds me of a word in the dictionary game (what my family calls the analog version of Hogwash®). The word was oam (can't recall spelling - believe it was a Scots word, meaning steam or some such), which my partner defined as "a unit of measure of personal salvation" and gave the example "having completed the pilgrimage, the penitent moved two oams closer to salvation." We've used it ever since.
God created heaven and the earth. Quickly, he was faced with a class action
suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a
temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist
order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing with the Environmental Protection Agency, God was
asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that
he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded
to know how the light would be made. "Would there be strip mining? What
about thermal pollution?" God explained that the light would come from a
huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light,
assuming that no smoke or pollution would result from the ball of fire. He
would also obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, would turn the
light off half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day"
and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested
in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and bare much seed". The EPA
agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring
forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the
earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from The
Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
Audubon Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six
days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be a 10-12 month approval period before...
At this point God created Hell.
These are almost too sad to be funny...but hey are! Here's a couple samples:
Personal Encounters
Grady's grandfather was sitting in the
outhouse doing his business one day.
The family mule was scratching his rear
on the outhouse wall. Thinking to amuse
himself, Grandpa pulled a long splinter
from the wall and stuck it in the mule's
ass." Instead of bucking around the yard
as expected, the mule kicked back with
extreme force, collapsing the outhouse.
Gramps had to be pulled from the family
history using a rope."
"My dad says he was driving along the
road a while back, and he saw a
no-armed farmer kicking hay into a
baling machine. No need to wonder
where he lost his limbs..." -drebrooks.
Mad Trombonist
1998 Urban Legend
(August 1998, Uruguay) In a misplaced moment of inspiration, Paolo
Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Symphonica Maya de Uruguay,
decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired during
a performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor
children's concert.
In complete disregard of common sense, he dropped a large lit
firecracker, equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into
his aluminum straight mute, and then stuck the mute into the bell of
his new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.
Later from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through a mask
of bandages, "I thought the bell of my trombone would shield me from
the explosion and focus the energy of the blast outwards and away
from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra like a rocket."
However Paolo was not to speed on his propulsion physics, nor was
he qualified to wield high-powered artillery. Despite his haste to raise
the horn before the firecracker exploded, he failed to lift the bell of the
horn high enough for the airborne mute's arc to clear the orchestra.
What happened should serve as a lesson to us all during our own
delirious moments of divine inspiration.
First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the
blast propelled the mute between rows of musicians in the woodwind
and viola section, where it bypassed the players and rammed straight
into the stomach of the conductor, driving him backwards off the
podium and directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience was sitting in folding chairs and thus they
protected from serious injury. The chairs collapsed under the first
row, and passed the energy from the impact of the flying conductor
backwards into the people sitting behind them, who in turn were
driven back into the people in the third row and so on, like a row of
dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of
people falling on their behinds increased geometrically, adding to the
overall commotion of cannons and brass playing the closing
measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, unplanned audience choreography notwithstanding, Paolo
Esperanza's Waterloo was still unfolding back on stage. According to
Paolo, "As I heard the sound of the firecracker blast, time seemed to
stand still. Right before I lost consciousness, I heard an Austrian
accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekval unt opposeet
reakshon!" This comes as no surprise, for Paolo was about to
become a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.
Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he paved the way
for the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas
backwards through the mouthpiece, which slammed into his face like
the hand of fate, burning his lips and face and knocking him mercifully
unconscious.
The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so
great it split the bell of his shiny new Yamaha trombone right down
the middle, turning it inside out while propelling Paolo backwards off
the riser. For the grand finale, as Paolo fell to the ground, his limp
hands lost their grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the
pressure of the hot gases to propel the slide like a golden spear into
the head of the third clarinetist, knocking him senseless.
The moral of the story? The next time a trombonist hollers "Watch
this!" you'd better duck!
DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2001
The moral of the story? The next time a trombonist hollers "Watch
this!" you'd better duck!
Thsi reminds me of the story of the three bass viol players for the New York Symphony Orchestra, which was preswenting Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. If you aren't a serious musician, you may not know this. The viol players sit on their hands from midway through the first movement right up until the finale, when they have a significant role in the music.
Anyway, the no 1 viol player suggested to his colleagues that they sneak out to the bar next door rather than sit there being bored. They proceeded to get thoroughly schnokkered, and were wending their way back to their seats when they heard the music. "My God," slurred the no. 2 viol player, "Our part's going to come up before we can get back."
"No," said the no. 1 guy. "I took the precaution of wrapping the conductor's sheet music with strong twine that he's going to have to cut open. That'll take at least three minutes. No problem."
Truly, it was the end of the fifth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.
TEd
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