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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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I have a English-German letter writer - a book printed in 1870 which gives sample correspondence of all kinds, business and personal, in both English and German. I'm guessing that my ancestors used it to learn English as a second language.
There is a web site which will "translate" text into something vicious, supposedly to enable the mild-mannered to express themselves more forcibly. See www.thespark.com/burn
I decided to see what would happen if I gave the 21st century web service some 19th century letters of admonition. The result was disappointing and vile. I prefer the more elegant letter writer versions.
Here are the letter writer versions, along with the website translations. Because the translations are vulgar, I have obscured them to protect the delicate...
========
Sir:
I should never have thought you capable of writing to me so impertinently as you have done. But your letter is a true mirror of the meanness of your character, of which I have had already too many proofs to my sorrow, and I am happy to avail myself of this opportunity to terminate a disagreeable acquaintance.
Sir:
I should never have thought you and your monkey capable of writing to fuckin' my stupid ass so god-damn impertinently as you have done. Mind if I cram your neck? But your sorry letter is a goddamn true mirror of the fucking meanness of your sorry character, of which I have had already too ass-grabbing many proofs to my cockgobbling sorrow, and I am happy to fuckin' avail myself of this bullshit opportunity to fuckin' terminate a disagreeable acquaintance.
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Sir:
When I requested you to collect of me a debt, due to me by Mr S, you were not only willing to undertake the commission, but promised to attend to it diligently, so as to obtain a settlement, probably in a month. After the expiration of this term I did not even receive a letter from you, and only learned accidently that Mr S had been called upon for the payment of the debt. This delay will cause me considerable embarrassment; for, as I told you at the time, I required the money to meet a certain necessary expense. Should you hesitate in pushing this matter, I request you to return by the bearer the note of hand, against which he will deliver you your receipt for the same; but if you are inclined to do me that favor, I must request you to hasten the collection as much as possible.
Respecfully,
Sir:
When I requested you to collect of my stupid ass a goddamn debt, due to fuckin' my stupid ass by Mr S, you were not only willing to undertake the fucking commission, but promised to fuckin' attend to fuckin' that bastard diligently, so god-damn as to obtain a settlement, probably in a month. After the fucking expiration of this bullshit term I did not even receive a letter from you, and only learned accidently that Mr S had been called upon for the fucking payment of the fucking debt. This bullshit delay will cause my stupid ass considerable embarrassment; for, as I told you at the fucking time, I required the fucking drug money to fuckin' meet a fuckin' certain necessary expense. Are you listening? Should you hesitate in pushing this bullshit matter, I request you to fuckin' return by the fucking bearer the fucking note of hand, against which he will deliver you your sorry receipt for the fucking same; but if you and your monkey are inclined to fuckin' do my stupid ass that favor, I must request you to hasten the fucking collection as much as possible.
Respecfully,
===============
Sir:
As you have forgotten yourself so far as to attempt a personal attack upon a member of the society, for an innocent jest and a supposed insult, and thereby have disturbed a society where order and decency are the first laws, I am obliged, with the concurrence of all the members, who all feel hurt at your outrageous conduct, to request you not to return any more to the rooms of the society, where only peace and concord should reign. I remain,
Most respectfully
Sir:
As you and your sluts have forgotten yourself so god-damn far as to fuckin' attempt a personal attack upon a goddamn member of the fucking society, for an innocent just and a supposed insult, and thereby have disturbed a goddamn society where the fuck order and decency are the fucking first laws, I am obliged, with the fucking concurrence of all the fucking members, who all feel hurst at your sorry outrageous conduct, to fuckin' request you and your sluts not to return any more to the fucking rooms of the fucking society, where the fuck only peace and concord should reign. I remain,
Most respectfully
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Carpal Tunnel
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Those 21st century versions are the sort of thing that give cursing a bad name. The 19th century versions. particularly the first one, are so much more effective. I am reminded of Miss Manners' all purpose phrase for accepting an apology; "Oh, that's perfectly all right."
The delivery and tone of voice are critical in proper execution of this phrase. It can run anywhere from a casually tossed off delivery indicating that the offender should not even worry about having done the thing being apologized for to a withering delivery indicating that there is no hope for forgiveness and the vile perpetrator may just as well retire from civilized society.
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Pooh-Bah
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i *love* the spark!!! i can't believe you're also a fan =) i'm kinda mad at them right now cuz they owe me a spark t-shirt. i even sent in some extra credit  . if any of you have some time on your hands, check out their "Stinky Meat" projects... quite funny, if you like that twisted sort of thing.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Those 21st century versions are the sort of thing that give cursing a bad name. The 19th century versions. particularly the first one, are so much more effective.
I agree. Being courteously vicious and civilly cruel is so much more fun!
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courteously vicious and civilly cruel is so much more fun
To say nothing of the baffled, almost fearful, look on the recipient's face!
wow
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courteously vicious and civilly cruel is so much more fun
I agree entirely. That's how I play it. Swearing in those circumstances does nothing to enhance your mana, rather it diminishes it.
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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Have you noticed that it is the same when you speak.
If I want to make a complaint about something I never swear. I will e-n-u-c-i-a-t-e very carefully (to make sure the person understands every word), in a tone that makes it clear that they DO NOT want to make me mad. I am also told that I usually sport a beatific smile that makes it that much more scary. It works quite well.
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enthusiast
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enthusiast
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I am usually able to sound polite (if I'm not related to the person.) This has the downside of making people think I'm joking, so I might have to rethink my strategy.
jimthedog
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enthusiast
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enthusiast
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Sir:
I should never have thought you capable of writing to me so impertinently as you have done. But
your letter is a true mirror of the meanness of your character, of which I have had already too
many proofs to my sorrow, and I am happy to avail myself of this opportunity to terminate a
disagreeable acquaintance.
Great! I think that perhaps I will have to use it !
But, please, which is the correct signature after such a letter? I know just
Sincerely yours
but it seems to me too friendly... I would like an ironic and harsh signature...
Any suggestion?
Ciao
Emanuela
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enthusiast
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Insincerely, perhaps.
jimthedog
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journeyman
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journeyman
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If I want to make a complaint about something I never swear. I will e-n-u-c-i-a-t-e very carefully (to make sure the person understands every word), in a tone that makes it clear that they DO NOT want to make me mad. I am also told that I usually sport a beatific smile that makes it that much more scary.
Can you teach me how to do it? Please? I'm usually able to hold it together for a bit, but if they continue to stonewall me (last time this happened I was talking to the administrators of my health insurance) I really lose it. I mean, not to the swearing point. But I do get personal. And I agree -- not the best way to handle these things.
You're my hero.
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emanuela>Sincerely yours... seems to me too friendly.
to me "sincerely" is entirely neutral, and takes the tone of whatever preceded.
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Emanuela, what if you simply omit the 'yours'?
You will have just said you've had proof of how rotten the person is and that you're glad to end contact with him.
"Sincerely, Emanuela" should indicate that you meant everything you said, without "belonging to" the person.
This may have been what tsuwm meant, as well. Sorry I couldn't tell for sure.
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>that may be what tsuwm meant... yes, but note that the "yours" in "sincerely yours" and "yours truly" type constructions is usually meant simply to indicate "me, myself or I".  I don't think these are used much, for example, in love letters (but who writes those any more :).
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I don't think these are used much, for example, in love letters (but who writes those any more)I do, sweetie. 
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love letters (but who writes those any more)
I do, sweetie.ME TOO, she shouted happily!
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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In reply to:
But, please, which is the correct signature after such a letter?
The letter writer put nothing after the body of letter except the signature. I think the omission was intentional, and effective.
PS - If you want to know how to propose marriage by letter, let me know.
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- If you want to know how to propose marriage by letter, let me know. Spill, please! This I've gotta see.
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journeyman
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journeyman
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Emanuela: Re: "uncomplimentary closings" The possibilities for uncomplimentary closings are virtually endless and can run the full ranges suggested in this post. A fairly simple, rather mild example might be -- " I trust that even you, Mr. /Ms ----, can understand the full import of the foregoing and can further understand that, in such circumstances, I now remain, and ever shall quite happily remain so,
Your former acquaintance,"
zzzzzzzzzzzzz"
This is a mild and understated version. These are great fun to write. In those glorious days of epistolary communication ( of which Sparteye's letters are an example), before the tel and tech inventions, the complimentary (or UNcomp...) close was itself a minor art form, and a fertile field for making that final, clever, memorable point, whatever its nature.
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The trick is to do the same thing they do Blanche. You'll notice that they keep repeating the same thing to you over and over (the allotment does not apply to you, this is standard practice, the deduction is not allowed, ad infinitum). Then, when you finally lose it, they win because, well, they can’t be expected to deal with anyone who is irrational can they.
I hate to tell you this, but sometimes, they are even working on other things while talking to you since they keep saying the same things over again. They aren't stressed. People in insurance claim departments are specifically taught how to do this (we have one of Canada's biggest insurance companies in our office building and it boils the blood to hear them talking about their clients sometimes)
Have your arguments ready before you call and then repeat them over and over. In your insurance case highlighting the specific clauses in your policy helps. Read them out to him/her… “no this applies to my situation because, as written in clause number 876XI I, the insuree must…” Repeat it.
Also, know whom you are speaking to. A clerk in a clothing store does not have the authority to change store policy. So if the sign says 'no returns' she won’t take any. Remember, she is a salaried worker like most of us, and will most likely get fired if she does not follow policy. Ask for the store manager. If she doesn’t have the authority, go to the head office.
The same applies to the insurance guys, keep on going up until you reach the person that can really help you. If the person you are arguing with won’t give you the name of her supervisor, getting it is too easy. Call the receptionist and say in a very cheerful voice "Hi, how are you? This is Blanche Patch, can you remind me who Mary's supervisor is. I know I wrote it here somewhere but I can’t find it. Alzheimer moment I guess (slight chuckle)." This works waaay better that just saying ‘who is Mary’s supervisor’ because then the receptionist (who is not usually supposed to give out names) gets suspicious that you are a discontent client.
In other situations, all you have to do is tell them what you expect. For example, while staying at a hotel in Florida, there was a knock at our door at two o’clock in the morning. I told person the room was occupied. The night manager phoned about an hour later to tell me she was checking to see if it was really us since our car was in the parking lot and the door to our room was locked (they never explained that one). Scared the daylight out of me since I have an elderly grandparent who was ill when I left home. Well, I complained to the manager, who said she was sorry but what could she do. I told her I was expecting that night to be no-charge and she agreed to this.
I also think you have to pick your battles. Is this a trench in which you are prepared to die? If it is – hang on and don`t let go until you get what you want.
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