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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91
journeyman
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OP
journeyman
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91 |
I was required to write an English Letter according to what's meant in Chinese. I wrote the following letter, but the recipient said it unsatisfactory. I also think that it sounds a little awkward, but I don't know where I should revise. Could anybody can help rewrite it on basis of the following letter?
Thanks very much!
=================
Thanks for your company sending the relevant certificates and materials. As to the problem about the certificate and the earlier stage expense, our suggestions are as follows:
I. About The Certificate Charge
Suggestions:
Certificate manufacture cost (delivery included) --------------- CAD25
WILLIS University charge --------------- CAD15
MOLSS(Ministry of Labor and Social Security) charge --------------- CAD10
HILL charge --------------- CAD10
Total: CAD60, about RMB600 per certificate
II. About The Certificate Promotion Steps
1. Provide detailed introduction of WILLIS University and the certificate to be issued by the university.
2. HILL will submit the relevant materials to the evaluation by the concerned authority body in MOLSS.
3. After passing evaluation, HILL will bind the certificate of WILLIS University together with General Management Performance certificate, and promote among all the current and prospective students. WILLIS University will provide HILL with two levels of certificate, corresponding to the basic level and the general level of General Management Performance respectively. Currently 100,000 students in China are learning the General Management Performance courses.
III. Problem Of Earlier Stage Expense
HILL recognizes that there exist the several expenses mentioned in the action plan by your side. If HILL carries out this program, however, translation fee (translate the introduction to the involved courses into English for your assessment), MOLSS evaluation fee (submit your certificate to the evaluation by the concerned authority body in MOLSS) and project operation fee will occur as well. Besides, General Management Performance certificate also carries formal credit within China in well-known universities such as Tsinghua University, China Central Radio and TV University, Shandong University and it brings about no such kind of fees. So, HILL suggests that your side finance such expenses as evaluation fee, application fee, authorization fee, project operation fee, and HILL finance translation fee, MOLSS evaluation fee as well as project operation fee. Both sides achieve income mainly from the popularization of the certificate.
I’m learning English. If u find anywhere I can improve my composition, Pls do let me know. Bow.
Do inform me if you see any corrections needed in my written English. 
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 114
member
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member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 114 |
Callithump:
We are always happy to help out anyone, like yourself, who is trying to improve their english communications.
You start off your letter thanking some company [presumably a company outside of China which speaks english only] for "sending the relevant certificates and materials". We need to know what these "certificates" and "materials" are, and why WILLIS University is acquiring them from this company outside of China.
Reading through your entire letter, it sounds like the non-Chinese company [to which you are writing] plans to use a Chinese company by the name of HILL [presumably the company you represent] to promote its "General Management Performance" courses in China. I assume these "General Management Performance" courses, a basic course and a "general level course", are to be offered at WILLIS University in China.
It sounds like HILL is a Chinese facilitator and consultant, not a partner, which will act as an intermediary with Chinese authorities and regulators and media to assist in building the brand for the non-Chinese company's "certificates and materials" in China on behalf of the non-Chinese company's partner, WILLIS University.
Have I got it right, Callithump? If so, I can offer some suggestions to improve the clarity of your communication.
By the way, I as assume "CAD" is a reference to Canadian dollars so I assume the company to which you are writing is a Canadian company.
I also assume that "the relevant certificates and materials" WILLIS University is acquiring from this Canadian company actually refers to a Business Management Course which the Canadian company will license WILLIS University to offer and deliver to students at WILLIS University in China.
The "Certificates" mentioned in your letter, then, would be Certificates recognizing successful completion of the two-level Business Management Course the Canadian company is offering. I am not certain about this, however, because your letter indicates that "the general level" General Management Performance course is already recognized by authorities in China.
If the "General Management Performance course" is already recognized in China, why does WILLIS University need to acquire "the certificates and materials" from this Canadian company? And why is WILLIS University adding a CAD 15 charge to the "manufacture cost" of the Certificates. [Is it possible the Canadian company is only "printing" the Certificates? If so, why don't you print them in China?]
What's so special about the "certificates and materials" the Canadian company is supplying? We need to understand this so we can help you improve the clarity of your letter to the Canadian company. [At least, I think this is a letter to the Canadian company. We need to be sure about that too in order to help you.]
By the way, you can call me "Carp" for short. May I call you "Calli"? I bow to you in return.
P.S. HILL is an english name so I assume the company you work for is an english company established in China. I also assume that your boss, who is unsatisfied with your letter, is an englishman or someone who speaks fluent english.
I offer one respectful word of preliminary advice, Callithump:
If you are writing this letter on behalf of HILL, to impress your boss you will want to make it very clear what benefits HILL is offering to the Canadian company to which you are writing.
If I have it right, HILL is selling its services as an intermediary to this Canadian company and your letter is a reflection of the quality of HILL's services.
Why should the Canadian company be using HILL's services and not some other intermediary's services?
Maybe you need to come right out and explain to the Canadian company [an existing client or only a prospect?] what distinctive benefits HILL offers to its clients.
We don't know how long HILL has been in business in China, what business it specializes in, or what prominent or respected non-Chinese corporate clients it already represents in China.
If this is a letter to a prospect, not to an existing client, your prospect will need to know all of this if you are to win the prospect's business.
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
Here is my effort, Calli, for what it's worth:
Dear Sir or Madam:
Thank you for sending your company's relevant certificates and materials. Re: the problem with the certificate and the preliminary expenses, our suggestions are as follows:
I. Charges Calli, I did not reiterate that these are your company's suggestions: I had just stated that fact above, and believe that the reader ought to know this! However, if good manners (or whatever) in your culture dictate that you say again that these are suggestions, go right ahead.
Certificate manufacture cost (delivery included) --------------- CAD25
WILLIS University charge --------------- CAD15
MOLSS(Ministry of Labor and Social Security) charge --------------- CAD10
HILL charge --------------- CAD10 I am assuming that the reader will definitely know what HILL is; if the writer has any doubt about this, an explanation should be put, like you did with University and Ministry of Labor and Social Security.
Total: CAD60, about RMB600 per certificate
II. Process for certification
1. Calli, I think you need to say WHO will provide this. Your company? The reader's? If yours, you can just say, "We will provide..." Provide detailed introduction of WILLIS University and the certificate to be issued by the university.
2. HILL will submit the relevant materials for evaluation by the You need a specific name here, instead of "concerned authority body" (I think you mean what we would say as "appropriate body of authority". But in this letter you still should put something specific). This sounds like it might well be some sort of committee, in which case you would put whatever its name is. Let's say it's the Certification Committee. Then you would put "HILL will submit the relevant materials for evaluation by the Certification Committee." If it is a panel of judges, say "HILL will submit the relevant materials for evaluation to the panel of judges". in MOLSS.
3. When the evaluation passes, HILL will bind the WILLIS University and the General Management Performance certificates together and circulate them among all current and prospective students. WILLIS University will provide HILL with two levels of certification, corresponding to the basic level and the general level of General Management Performance respectively. Currently 100,000 students in China are learning the General Management Performance courses.
III. Problem re: preliminary* expenses
There are several expenses mentioned in the action plan by your company. If HILL carries out this program, there will be the following:
a.) translation fee (translating the introduction to the involved courses into English for your assessment);
b.) MOLSS evaluation fee Again--they have just read the explanation above, of the evaluation; but if you think it should be stated again, go ahead.) ; and
c.) project operation fee will occur as well. Um--I am left wondering what this is; but perhaps your reader will know.)
The General Management Performance certificate carries formal credit within China in well-known universities such as Tsinghua University, China Central Radio and TV University, Shandong University; and none of these incur these kinds of fees. Therefore, HILL suggests that your company finance such expenses as the evaluation fee, application fee, authorization fee, and project operation fee; and HILL will finance the translation fee and MOLSS evaluation fee as well as the project operation fee. Both companies should then benefit, as more students apply for this certification.
************************************************
Whew--I felt greatly handicapped by not knowing what any of the things are! I hope that this ignorance did not change the significance of some things to something inappropriate. For example, it almost sounded like the letter came from a university; if that is the case, it would not be referred to as a company. Oh--also--if Willis is the name of a university, it would not be written as WILLIS. However, if it's an acronym like MOLSS, then putting all capital letters is good. Good luck!
*I am not at all sure that "preliminary" is the correct word, now that I think about it. Preliminary means before; this might work if it has already been understood that all fees, no matter what step they are for, will be paid in advance of any processing being done. If this is not the case, you might substitute something like 'additional' fees or 'special' fees.
I thought about this while reading the last part of your letter. It sounded like the recipient's company creates fees that others have not created; if that is not correct, I apologize.
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91
journeyman
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OP
journeyman
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91 |
I simply don't know what to say to fully express my appreciation for the efforts you all put here helping me. I'm bereaved of words but thanks.
Calli.
I’m learning English. If u find anywhere I can improve my composition, Pls do let me know. Bow.
Do inform me if you see any corrections needed in my written English.
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