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Jacques Offenbach A man who did not often balk; When asked to write Gaite Parisienne, Replied, "I can can."
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Carpal Tunnel
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Reminding me of the time Toulouse-Lautrec was living in a squalid atelier in Paris. A terrible fire roared through the building in the middle of the night and the starving artist grabbed his Levis and ran down the stairs.
He fainted from lack of oxygen but was quickly revived by a friend. He said, "George, did the fire fighters save any of my worldly goods?"
The reply was, "I'm afraid not. You have nothing, Toulouse, but your jeans."
TEd
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TEd, how does your wife put up with you?? (speaking as one who has had to deal with this on an almost-daily basis, but at least he doesn't post his madness, often...)
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Pooh-Bah
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I had a friend who named his truck Toulouse.
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stranger
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Speaking as an expert on TEd's wife, it's a simple matter. I have a terrible memory for punchlines, and love his puns just as much the second time around. (Or the 20th, TEd says.)
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Hi, darling,
Welcome to AWAD. It's only taken what four or five years to get you to log on. It's a neat place!
Hugs
TEd
TEd
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love his puns just as much the second time around
I love them just as much the second time around, too, but that doesn't answer the question.
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Pooh-Bah
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The only good pun is a bad pun. IMHO anyone who doesn't like puns is suffering from a vitamin deficiency due to recieving less than the recommended daily allowance of silly. I will admit to having become addicted, I go into withdrawal if I do without. Hi TEd's wife! [wave]
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Welcome, Peggy! You are indeed a patient soul.
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anyone who doesn't like puns
I love good puns. I don't consider torturing words on some theme into totally unrelated contexts to be good puns. Or even bad puns, as far as that goes.
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I have to admit that I always get taken in by puns. You'd think after all these years I'd know it was coming but TEd does post other stuff so I always take his posts at face value, reading merrily along, all believing and gullible and then....groan, arghhhh! --------------------------------------------- Allo TEd's Wife. Welcome aBoard.
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Hi, Peggy--welcome to you!! [HUG]
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Pooh-Bah
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I had a friend who named his truck Toulouse.
ROTFL. I love it. Reminds me of a lass in college who named her Toyota Cressida "Troilus."
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Sigmund Freud, Slightly annoyed With the theories of others, Blamed mothers.
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I named my supercharged 240Z "Desire." It was, of course, a street car, which to you right coasters is a term sometimes used for a race car which is street legal.
TEd
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Where I come from a street car is (or was, they ain' got them no mo) a form of public transport, on tracks and generally electrically powered.
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Pooh-Bah
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a supercharged 240Z is desirable indeed
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I've heard the term "street bike"...don't know that I've ever heard "street car" used in any way but to describe a trolley.
Amy Camus, As a singer was never famous Until she changed her name, a year or two back, To Yma Sumac.
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I have friends who are mechanics and I have heard them use the phrase street car or street-legal car to distinguish a vehicle that is still legal to drive on the streets (lights, license plates, catalytic converter, muffler, etc still in place) from one that has been so heavily modified that it can only be used on race tracks. But I don't think it is an entity like a steetcar in the "named desire" sense. It is simply a descriptive term. No one would say "I'm going to go get in my street car."
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Poor Coffeebean Thought it obscene That, try as she might, No one would bite...
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veteran
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I once owned a Mercury Montego, pumpkin yellow, which after a few years came to be called "Uriah", it was such a heap.
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Three hundred pound King Faroukh Exhausted his cordon bleu cook. This kleptomaniacal royal Kept pornography and an obligingly flexible goil.
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Elvis Presley Must confess he Raised quite a conflagration With a little gyration.
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Harry S. Truman Denied that atom bombs were inhuman. He said: "We must stop Japan's bravado – This is no laughing matter like The Mikado".
Sir Francis Drake Said: "Fighting the Armada's a piece of cake". He vanquished the Duke of Medina Sidonia; Some Spanish sailors probably died of pneumonia.
King Charles the Second Is generally reckoned To have signed official papers While having indiscreet sexual capers.
The younger William Pitt Was a highly precocious Brit. Prime Minister at twenty-four, He was driven to drink by the Napoleonic War.
Professor Stephen Hawking Had an artificial way of talking. But his knowledge about black holes Greatly exceeded that of ordinary souls.
Friedrich Nietzsche's writing Is pernicious, although exciting. His style has more muscle Than that of sane philosophers like Bertrand Russell.
Donald Trump Is widely considered a chump. In Europe he provokes much animus, But many Americans are more magnanimous.
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Pooh-Bah
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Some musical clerihews:
George Frederick Handel Exclaimed: "It's an absolute scandal!" When one of his orchestral suites Was performed with irregular beats.
Robert Schumann Found Liszt's flamboyance scarcely human. He and Clara both opined That Chopin's playing was more refined.
Girolamo Frescobaldi Is not as famous as Vivaldi. One of the likely reasons Is his lack of a smash hit like The Four Seasons.
William Byrd Was artistically stirred By Catholic rituals, which he kept hidden, For in England popery was strictly forbidden.
The French composer Maurice Ravel Cried "Merde!" (which is stronger than "Hell!"), "If you don't play this tune cantabile, You'll ruin my opus mirabile!"
Benjamin Britten Explained how his music was written. The thing that inspired him most Was the spirit of the wild Suffolk coast.
Christoph Willibald Gluck Wrote several operas that are worth a look. He made no apology For his constant use of classical mythology.
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----please, draw me a sheep----
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Pooh-Bah
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Gioachino Rossini Was succeeded by Verdi, then Puccini. Opera underwent a schism When younger composers turned to realism.
The music of Sir Hubert Parry Can be played in church when people marry. In the hands of a skilled musician, It lifts one's heart to an elevated position.
Muzio Clementi Was in great demand around 1820 For recitals, compositions, and pianos that he made. His easy sonatinas are still often played.
Carl Maria von Weber Remarked to a neighbour: "My operas are all the rage. It's a pity they're so expensive to stage".
Frédéric Chopin asked George Sand As he sat at the keyboard: "Vite ou lent?" She answered: "As music's your profession, I'll leave the speed to your discretion".
Moritz Moszkowski Had nothing in common with Tchaikovsky Except (as was then the fashion) His music's frequent Romantic passion.
Mendelssohn's overture The Hebrides Masterfully evokes Caledonian seas. Could any native Scot Have written it? I think not.
Erik Satie Was endearingly batty. Much that he wrote has a sense of fun, But not his Gymnopédie No 1.
Hector Berlioz was very proud. He said: "I want my orchestras big and loud. For in this noisy steam-powered age, Art should resound with joy, grief or rage!"
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Richard Strauss Asked his spouse: "What do you think of Der Rosenkavalier?" She said: "I don't know it, my dear".
The piano works of Liszt Can put a strain on the wrist. The best way to preserve your joints Is to slow down at the difficult points.
Johannes Brahms Told a man begging for alms: "I'm not giving money to an idle hobo! Why don't you learn to play the oboe?"
King Louis XIV of France Summoned his nobles to a dance. He said: "Those who ignore my wishes Will be marched to the kitchen to wash the dishes".
Debussy's textures vary, But they are often light and airy. They can depict immensity Without Germanic force and density.
Johann Pachelbel Wrote many other works as well As his Canon; it would be a blunder To write him off as a one-hit wonder.
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...the assignment was to write a limerick containing "Toulouse":
Louis XIV and XVI of France Tried their wives' private lives to enhance When they ditched the two Lous In two loos in Toulouse To avoid being looked at askance
Last edited by wofahulicodoc; 01/05/20 08:57 PM. Reason: previously posted, 2/2/2019
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...the assignment was to write a limerick containing "Toulouse": King Louis XVI of France Observed his opponents' advance. He rejected the ruse Of a trip to Toulouse, But his flight to Varennes had no chance.
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Napoleon Bonaparte Said: "Europe is just the start. I've defeated Austria and Prussia; Now I'm going to invade Russia".
James Gillray Is still famous today For his scurrilous cartoons Depicting George III and his ministers as buffoons.
If Chairman Mao Were still in power now, He'd say: "Stay home – for if you do not, You are a bourgeois troublemaker, and will be shot".
Donald Trump Is (as I said) a chump, But it won't be totally unexpected If he somehow gets re-elected.
We Brits find it merciful That Spencer Perceval Is the only Prime Minister assassinated to date; Four US Presidents have met such a fate.
Clement Attlee In 1945 said flatly: "Winston, we all think you're great, But it's time to make way for the welfare state".
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George Washington achieved transcendence During the War of Independence. He showed great skill and bravery; It's a shame he didn't abolish slavery.
Ernö Rubik Invented a toy that was cubic. This lucky rhyme, I guess, Was one of the keys to its success.
Jesus claimed to be a divine prophet, But many Romans said "Come off it!" The emperor Tiberius Said "He cannot be serious!"
Harold Lloyd and Buster Keaton Have surely never been beaten In their genre of comic audacity Which filled cinemas to their capacity.
Barack Obama Did not have a sense of drama, But there's no necessary correlation Between excitement and good administration.
The Garden of Eden Was an agreeable place, like Sweden, But Adam found it a little bland, So his quest for more knowledge is easy to understand.
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Pooh-Bah
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Thomas Edison Did not patent medicine, But he did bring many an invention To the Patent Office's attention.
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Some philosophical clerihews:
René Descartes Was undoubtedly very smart. He is famous for his insistence That we can prove our own existence.
Willard Van Orman Quine Had something in common with Wittgenstein. Both wrote about words and names And meanings, logic, and language games.
Immanuel Kant, Unlike Nietzsche, did not rant. He wrote such dense Critiques That reading just one chapter can take weeks.
Martin Heidegger was far worse; His love of obscurity was quite perverse. He used many a German word That no other German had ever heard.
David Hume believed in empiricism; Though a Scot, he spurned Celtic lyricism. He found no evidence for God – A view which his contemporaries found most odd.
Arthur Schopenhauer Was a pessimist who would sit and glower. He wrote a lot about the Will, And thought everything was going rapidly downhill.
Plato's 'Forms' May not accord with modern scientific norms, But his originality in conceiving them Can be admired without actually believing them.
Thomas Hobbes insisted That no innate virtue existed, And that societies would go wrong Unless their rulers were strong.
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Benjamin Disraeli Charmed Queen Victoria daily. Gladstone was much more strait-laced, And she viewed his gravitas with distaste.
Sir Henry Wood Thought music would do the public good. His Proms were eclectic salads Of old and new classics and lighter ballads.
Paul Revere Is not very well known here, But across the Atlantic His patriotic legend is very romantic.
Gaetano Donizetti Produced music like confetti. He wrote half a dozen operas a year; His rivals groaned when they saw a new one appear.
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Edward Heath had a permanent glower After Mrs Thatcher took over power. She, in turn, called everyone a traitor When she was ousted fifteen years later.
Nineteen Eighty-Four Has worldwide fame in political lore. But in Britain the year is recalled with dislike Because of the miners' strike.
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Dr W G Grace Was an early cricketing ace. Among his peers he was in top position – Ask any statistician.
The American Civil War Was on a scale not seen before. The English version in Charles I's reign Saw far fewer soldiers slain.
Bomber Harris said with relish: "I'm going to make all Germans' lives hellish!" That controversial fellow Had clearly never heard of jus in bello.
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Just so you know. I am not a poet. But I do read yours. You have a knack,keep it up.
----please, draw me a sheep----
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A C Bowden |
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Pooh-Bah
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Joseph Haydn Was calm and sober, like Joe Biden. But Franz Liszt Like Trump, was an exhibitionist.
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Pooh-Bah
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Bertrand Russell Could intellectually out-muscle Any amateur logicians Or second-rate mathematicians.
King James the First Asked Shakespeare: "Are your plays well rehearsed?" "Why yes", replied the Bard, "I drive my actors very hard".
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When President Joe Biden Was asked, What are you hidin? His reply was easily understood: I did the best I could.
There's no simple answer To the problems we've faced since my Administration began, Sir. Under these circumstances To imply otherwise is to indulge in romances.
(an Exercise for the Reader: write a Clerihew based on George Stephanopoulos... ;-)
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Pooh-Bah
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(an Exercise for the Reader: write a Clerihew based on George Stephanopoulos... ;-) Hmm...we'll see! Some years ago I accepted your challenge of writing a double dactyl including 'antimetabole' (see page 6 of the Double Dactyl thread). So there's always hope! Here are two sporting clerihews: Jurgen Klopp Wants Liverpool to be top, And accordingly devises Ways to win football's greatest prizes. Joe Root, Star batsman, and captain to boot, Must doubt that England will win at cricket While the rest of the team keep losing their wicket.
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None of this is true, as far as I know, but it fits the form and rhyme criteria for a Clerihew.
News Analyst and interviewer George Stephanopoulos Spends much of his time playing Parcheesi and Sorry and other such games Monopoulos. Politicians for him to skewer Are much fewer.
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Pooh-Bah
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Former Democratic advisor George Stephanopoulos (Not to be confused with Trump's George Papadopoulos) Continued to present impartial TV news Though he hoped the Republicans would lose.
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The Three Musketeers Stood no insults or jeers. If they were obstructed by a peasant, Their reaction would not be very pleasant.
If Charlotte Bronte Had married an Italian conte, She could have basked in literary glory In a villa by Lake Maggiore.
Herbert Lom Was the actor's pseudo-nom. His real name was Herbert Charles Angelo Kuchacevic ze Schluderpacheru. Phew!
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Thomas Bowdler's expurgations Spoiled Shakespeare's literary creations. He should have stuck to chess, At which he had considerable success.
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Mark Twain Had a style which was plain. His personality was unsuited To writing that was convoluted.
Titian Was not a physician. He reckoned art was sublime While medicine was quite primitive at that time.
Attila the Hun Said "I don't wage war for fun. I just want a little more space For the Teutonic race".
Stan Laurel Was involved in a quarrel With a movie director Who got mad and smashed a projector.
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----please, draw me a sheep----
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Pooh-Bah
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Cinderella Arrived at the ball with an umbrella, Which, like her slipper, she forgot When she left at midnight on the dot.
Jesus's miraculous acts Conflict with many scientific facts Such as physical causation And mass-energy conservation.
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Liz Truss Would rate her performance A+. Barring something sinister, She will be Britain's next prime minister.
Rishi Sunak has lost ground Because many Conservatives think him unsound. Not, I hope, on grounds of race, For that would be an utter disgrace.
Now nemesis is nigh for Boris, Who may be tempted to quote Horace: Dulce et decorum est... As his premiership is laid to rest.
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James Joyce Is not everyone's choice, But reading him is effectual In proving oneself intellectual.
President Biden Hoped his popularity would widen, But in an economic slump Many voters may prefer the return of Trump.
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Clement Attlee Was sharp, but spoke flatly. Liz Truss, by contrast, tries to orate, But her acuity is not all that great.
Sir Keir Starmer Wants to make British politics calmer. Away with all this frenzy and mania, And uncontrolled migration from Albania.
Only a madman Would deny that Don Bradman Was Australia's greatest batter, Or the world's, for that matter.
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Kylian Mbappe Was no doubt very happy When France spoiled England's fun By beating them by two goals to one.
The Croatians Exceeded expectations When the favourites, Brazil, Displayed inferior penalty-kicking skill.
Morocco also prevailed When the Lusitanians failed. It's a time of unease For those who speak Portuguese.
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wofahulicodoc |
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I'll piggy-back on that. Bravo. It's been decades since I've seen Lusitania in print.
----please, draw me a sheep----
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The victory of Argentina In Doha's opulent arena Concluded the World Cup in Qatar With Lionel Messi its greatest star.
The French équipe Seemed at first to be half asleep. They improved greatly in the second half, But Argentina had the last laugh.
For Germany and Spain The tournament was a bit of a pain, Though their chagrin was perhaps mollified By the fact that Italy hadn't even qualified.
England's Harry Kane Kicked one penalty, but missed when he tried again. The manager, Southgate, said: "The mind plays tricks – It happened to me at Euro '96".
Protestors showed bravery In alleging constructors' slavery. "Get out!" cried the Qatari authorities, "You have a warped sense of priorities".
One broadcaster said: "In Qatar I can tell those sheikhs how beastly they are". But another retorted: "That's funny – Why go there and accept their money?"
Gary Lineker of the BBC (A former player, well known on TV) Is thought by some to be too woke, But he seems quite a decent bloke.
It's all been rather mad – A dazzling mixture of good and bad. Great for the rich, hell for the poor, But hey, pecunia loquitur.
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wofahulicodoc |
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Robert Falcon Scott Said: "I tell you what – I think Amundsen's reached the Pole first!" Then he flung down his binoculars and cursed.
The brothers Grimm Collected fairy tales that are full of vim. But they spent more time on German philology Than on cute folk mythology.
Barbara Cartland Said: "In Britain's conservative heartland, My readers yearn for something romantic, Not modernist junk from across the Atlantic".
Sigmund Freud Became really annoyed When critics claimed that his theories Paid no heed to scientific queries.
Stephen Foster Said: "I'll sue any impostor Who claims I wrote his song. Such passing-off is just plain wrong".
Edward the First Treated the Welsh worst. He defeated their Prince, And the monarch's eldest son has held that title ever since.
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Uri Geller Is an astute feller. However often he is debunked, He knows his career will never be defunct.
Hannibal the Carthaginian Used elephants to expand his dominion. His exploits were full of drama, Until he was defeated at Zama.
Hennig Brand Was an alchemist who tried his hand At making gold from urine or whatever; His discovery of phosphorus was more lucky than clever.
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Said Robespierre: "The guillotine Is a most civilized machine. It allows the toffs to be humanely slaughtered; In the old days they'd have been hanged, drawn and quartered".
Medieval thinker Roger Bacon (Who is sometimes mistaken For Sir Francis) was intellectual but pious; He published his views in Opus Maius.
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The Emperor Nero Has a moral rating close to zero, But his penchant for capricious killing Is what some historians find thrilling.
Yahweh, aka Jehovah, Said "I will erupt like a supernova If my commandments are disrespected". "Art Thou not merciful?" Moses objected.
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In Germania's wooded regions In AD 9 three Roman legions Were destroyed by Arminius (or Hermann), And that's why the folks there now speak German.
Alan Turing Found computer science alluring. He outshone all the smart professors Who were his colleagues or successors.
If Garibaldi and Mazzini Had foreseen Benito Mussolini, They might have had some hesitation In pursuing Italian unification.
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Sir Oswald Mosley Orated grandiosely, But his Fascists were less of a menace Than their counterparts in Rome and Venice.
Thomas Paine Urged Americans not to remain Subjects of the British Crown; Soon the Union Jack came crashing down.
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Sir Keir Starmer Is not naturally a charmer. His manner suggests that blood, sweat and tears Are what Britain needs in the next few years.
The monk Dionysius Exiguus Made dates less ambiguous: He began counting from the birth of Christ. For Christians, that sufficed.
King George the Third Could behave in ways that were absurd. Caricaturists were unsympathetic: Their mockery of him was quite energetic.
Last edited by A C Bowden; 04/17/23 12:44 AM.
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Peter Pan Never grew to be a man – In reality a sad affliction, But quite attractive in a work of fiction. President James K. Polk Said: "For the greatness of our folk, Our territory must expand". So he grabbed some of the Mexicans' land. Luciano Pavarotti Told a conductor that the orchestra was grotty. The maestro, in his riposte, Said: "Signore, it's a question of cost". Frank Pick Made the London Underground very slick. He coped with millions of pre-war commuters Without the benefit of computers. The fact that they all begin with P is coincidental – unless I made some subconscious association.
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Queen Camilla Would have been content with a modest villa. But now, she's at Buckingham Palace And probably drinks from a golden chalice.
King Charles's role as Faith Defender Was formalised with suitable splendour By means of an oath and anointing, But the weather was very disappointing.
Westminster Abbey Could not be described as shabby. But it may have been so for Charles the First, When such occasions were poorly rehearsed.
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Lewis Carroll Wore conventional apparel But had a taste for the bizarre Which made him a literary star.
If Albrecht Dürer Had painted the Führer, His virtuosity Would have emphasised the man's monstrosity.
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Mae West Felt somewhat depressed When the Hays Code's definition of 'obscene' Outlawed her innuendo on screen.
Tiger Woods Certainly delivered the goods. Five times he won the Masters, Though his life has had quite a few disasters.
Konrad Adenauer Exercised West German power With great economic success. (And they won the '54 World Cup – but I digress.)
Dad's Army Was somewhat barmy, But the British adore A good sitcom about the Second World War.
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Ben Stokes Is one of those folks Who can transform a game of cricket With a spectacular knock or crucial wicket.
In last week's Test at Lord's, England and Australia crossed swords. Before England got beat, Some MCC members cried "Cheat!"
Michael Vaughan said: "That ball was not dead – Jonny Bairstow was out. What nonsense some commentators spout!"
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The British right-wing press Do not much love the NHS. They also hate the BBC For its Leftish politics and licence fee.
Donald Trump's wealth And Joe Biden's mental health Are criticized in some quarters But never deter their core supporters.
Political debate Has become increasingly irate. There is a Left/Right dichotomy, And the same old arguments occur with monotony.
If Jesus lived in the USA, He wouldn't be given the time of day Unless he said "Work, save and be sunny", And not "Give away all your money".
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Kamala Harris Was asked "In which country is Paris?" She replied "I'm not daft! It's...well, it's a...European thing", and laughed.
Sabine Hossenfelder Told some university elder: "I reject your cosmological conjectures. Why don't you watch my YouTube lectures?"
Charles Edward Stuart, the Young Pretender, Charmed supporters of the opposite gender And stirred young men to join his force. He was no Bonaparte, but looked good on a horse.
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Lord Louis Mountbatten Tended to flatten Those of lesser authority With his air of superiority.
Archbishop Cosmo Lang Did not make much of a bang But had to face a tricky situation At the time of the Abdication.
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The Two Ronnies, Corbett and Barker, Disliked comedians whose humour was darker. Their TV series were good clean fun, In which Barker used words to garble and pun.
Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise Were once Britain's top two comedy guys. Their Christmas shows on the BBC Topped the ratings in 1970s TV.
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When Satan fell from grace Into the other place, He taunted God about Creation's state, But God eschewed theological debate.
Mother Teresa? Not all writers praise her. Some say her principal goal Was not curing the body, but saving the soul.
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John Napier Had a mind like a rapier. He simplified the operation Of exponentiation.
The works of Enid Blyton Nowadays tend to frighten Most child psychologists And politically correct apologists.
David Bowie Was exceptionally showy. Had he been unobtrusive, His appeal would have been more exclusive.
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Ancient Sparta Had no Magna Carta. In a state geared to military fights, There was no place for human rights.
The Romans had few checks On extramarital sex. But once the Christian era had begun, It was forbidden to have such fun.
Boys at Eton Were regularly beaten By swaggering prefects For the most trivial defects.
Political campaigns Assume we have no brains. Their targeting is clinical, And their appeal to prejudice is cynical.
Both Presidential frontrunners are mad, And one is also bad. America's famed democracy Is now a tribal gerontocracy.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Both Presidential frontrunners are mad, And one is also bad. America's famed democracy Is now a tribal gerontocracy.
----please, draw me a sheep----
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Marilyn Monroe Always stole the show. She was both funny and glamorous, Making men amused and amorous.
Santa Claus Does not obey Nature's laws, But children do not find this odd As the same applies to Jesus and God.
General Patton Threatened to flatten Any cowards or shirkers. He wanted heroes and hard workers.
Field Marshal Rommel Had an old Prussian Trommel Which he would superstitiously beat In order to prevent defeat.
Ho Chi Minh Said the Viet Cong would win Their war of attrition If the US eschewed nuclear fission.
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Clerihews on Greek philosophy
The ancient Stoics Said "There's no need for heroics. Clear thinking and self-control Will best sustain your body and soul".
If Aristotle Had seen a Klein bottle, He might have linked its strange topology To something sublime in theology.
Parmenides said That change is an illusion inside our head. When pressed to explain the illusion, He showed considerable confusion.
The Pre-Socratics taught That the earth was flat, as they truly thought. But the later Greek sages Worked out the truth in a few simple stages.
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Israel's prime minister, Whom his opponents think sinister, Was told by Biden: "Here's some more cash, But please don't do anything rash".
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Jason Beer KC Deserves a hefty fee For grilling witnesses in the Post Office scandal With the vast paperwork which he can effortlessly handle.
Sir Wyn Williams, the inquiry's Chair, Controls proceedings with wisdom and care, With an occasional intervention When a witness's answer defies comprehension.
Post Office staff (whom I shall not name) Mostly reply, with no hint of shame, "I'm sorry, I cannot recall – It's so long ago, I've forgotten it all".
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Donald Trump and Kamala Harris Make the diplomats in Paris Shake their heads and sigh "Mon Dieu!" They support Harris faute de mieux.
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