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Ok, Musick, old man, reprise this one in the pun fun thread right now!




#28220 05/07/01 05:30 PM
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I'm sure this has come up before (here on AWAD) but I can't find it... why is the computer keyboard (typewriter keyboard) laid out in the manner it is.. and has anyone ever suggested an improvement to this century+ old technology?

Musick, emanuela's typing link talks about that. I didn't read it all. It talks about QWERTY and why it's used, claims DVORAK isn't much better, and gives extra links (which I didn't follow) to discussions of pros and cons of both.

Does anyone find they type better when copying something than when making things up as they go along? I think that is my problem, I think faster than I type. But when typing copy, there is no thinking, so my letters come out better.


#28221 05/07/01 07:16 PM
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DVORAK keyboards
In one of the books which came with my computer (a Gateway) equipped with WIN98, there is an appendix entitled "Accessibility for People with Disabilities", with this note: "Keyboard Layouts for Single-handed Users: Microsoft distributes Dvorak keyboard layouts that make the most frequently typed characters on a keyboard more accessible to people who have difficulty using the standard 'QWERTY' layout. There are three Dvorak layouts: one for two-handed users, one for people who type with their left hand only, and one for prople who type with their right hand only. ... The two layouts for people who type with one hand are distributed as Microsoft Application Note GA0650."

I'm not at all sure what the word "layout" means here. I had assumed it's a new keyboard with the keys rearranged, but maybe they mean you use the same keyboard but add a software routine which tells the computer that the keys have different assignments, like what you have to do to use a Cyrillic or Hebrew font.


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And here I thought my idea for a one-handed keyboard was original (sigh...)


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On the subject of one-handed keyboards:
There's something called the Twiddler, which works something like a Braille-writer or a legal transcription machine (the official term fails me... Sparteye? Help?). It's dependent upon the learning of correct combinations of buttons to designate characters... fully programmable as well, and kinda cool. If you'd like to see it, because I'm just not describing it very well, go to http://www.handykey.com

And back to Hairy Mastiffs, forgive me if you've heard this one:
There was once an influential farmer in a remote part of China. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, a scientist, and Ming, a sorcerer.

Hing, who had many advanced course hours in poultry science, consulted Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask. He found a reference to a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum-tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers.

Meanwhile, Ming read obscure writings of ancient wise men, meditated, used tarot cards, and examined pig entrails. Uninspired, he tried his old standby, reading tea leaves. It suddenly came to him: An infusion of gum-tree leaves was the cure.

So the two wise men reported back to the Chinese farmer. Ming said, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum-tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agreed: "Studies show that infusions of gum-tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The Chinese farmer was ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decided to follow their recommendation. It didn't work.

Moral of the story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."


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"All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

Somehow you just reminded me of the Wong family in Hong Kong. They were expecting their first child, and Mr. Wong was very excited. Upon the event of the child's birth, however, Mr. wong immediately filed for a divorce. The child had blue eyes and blonde hair. In the divorce plea, Mr. Wong stated that two Wongs don't make a white.


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Moral of the story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."

Not bad, F-babe, very clever!



The idiot also known as Capfka ...
#28226 05/15/01 05:21 PM
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Received this from my brother. Too good not to pass along!
General Motors vs. MicroSoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault"
warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


#28227 05/16/01 01:46 PM
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wow,

love the post!

here's to the day when computers are as easy to turn on as the tv,
and don't require $1000 a day programmers to decipher (recent quote).


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I have to share this here because there are no clones involved....forgive me.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow and the frog replies "$30,000.00."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's o.k. he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000.00 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about 1/2 inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you. He wants to borrow $30,000.00 and use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."




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