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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91
journeyman
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OP
journeyman
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91 |
Someone asks me for some advices on the draft below. The person wants to use this as a script to introduce herself in an interview which is part of the process of admission test for a university. I gave some. But I think maybe it can be further polished, though I can't find.
Any suggestions?:)
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(Opening)
Good Afternoon/Morning,
Very happy to be here.
Ok.
(Personal and Family Information)
My name is Pinyin.
I was born in 1982 in the city of SomeCityName, XXX Province.
Present something about your family. My mother is a teacher. She gave me a lot of positive influence since my early age. My father works with government. He is kind while strict with us. I’m grateful to them for bringing me up and supporting me in every respect, for example, my education.
(Education)
In 2002, I entered SomeCityName Normal University, majoring in pre-schooling education. For this major, we systematically studied the courses such as education, pedagogies, psychology, literature, fine arts, sociology, etc.
I also minored in Law and studied many courses on law.
I got some certificates when in college, such as:
CET 4 qualification
Putonghua Test Level 2,First Class.
Level 1 in the computer skills test of Jiangsu Province
And
National Public Aerobics Test, Level 4.
So I have no much difficulty with English, Putonghua or Computer. And I can do well in some popular sports.
(Achievements)
I also got some awards.
For example, in 2006, my dissertation “Research on Nursery Educator’s Efficacy and its Influence Factors” was awarded as the first class among all the undergraduate dissertations in Jiangsu. I got several awards from the school in sports and culture activities, as well as some honors or titles including Outstanding Student Cadre. I wrote many articles, some of which were awarded too.
(Work Experiences)
When in college I also worked part-timely as teachers in some kindergartens in ACity and AnotherCity, my hometown, or as home tutors. These gave me many opportunities to apply what I learn and to know what I still need to learn further.
After I graduated from the university in 2006, I went to work as an instructor in School of International Trade, XXX Institute of Technology. I’m responsible for student’s affairs and writes articles to promote and publicize our school.
(Self-Comment)
I like writing, dancing, performing and fine arts in my spare time. I’m a very positive and optimistic person, honest and cordial. When it comes to work, I’m prudential, careful and responsible. I learn things fast, and think creatively while communicating well with peers. All of these enable me to do well in my work.
Do inform me if you see any corrections needed in my written English. 
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,526
veteran
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veteran
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,526 |
This is always fun. Your friend is likely to get divergent and conflicting advice and will have to decide what works for her.
It seems possible and even likely to me that schools in China might be looking for different qualities in candidates than those in the U.S. or Europe. Also, different regulations might apply.
1. Some of the information from the script should be on the resume (matriculation paperwork), i.e. the dissertation topic and work experience. Your friend might mention it in the interview, but might also state the relevance to the position (degree program) for which she is applying.
2. In that resume, she should enumerate the article titles and where their published and what awards they received.
3. The interviewee usually doesn't have control of the interview, so it's best to think of each of the paragraphs as a separable component that can be brought in to answer specific questions.
4. Drop the "self-comment" section altogether.
5. In U.S. schools - particularly grad schools - they want to understand the applicant's drive, their ability to finish what they start, to go the last mile of the marathon, and their potential for "doing great things."
5. Some of these paragraph responses can be brought in when the interviewer asks for general comments. For example, the interviewer asks about your motivation, and you can extract a thread of commitment to education from your scriptlets above to make another script:
"My mother was a teacher and I was (we were) raised to value and respect education. I have been a tutor myself and have studied education. My dissertation topic was related to education. My life has consisted of a continual effort to educate myself and to help others become educated. When I finish my program of X, I'm going to do Y with it."
Or she is asked "How do you feel about your communication skills?" and she responds,
"My experience as a tutor and instructor has helped me develop oral communication skills, while my dissertation and a series of articles I wrote helped to hone my writing skills. I'm also quite capable in English."
Something like that.
I would avoid listing a bunch of accomplishments without context of some goal or unifying thread. This way you're not saying, "I have good communication skills," because every candidate will say he has excellent communication skills. Instead, she's giving the person all the information they need to draw the conclusion herself.
In the first example, she's not saying, "I'm committed to education," but again the conclusion is obvious. Good luck to your friend.
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Posts: 1,773
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,773 |
Personal and Family Information:
Name: Pinyin
Born: 1982, SomeCityName, XXX Province, Putonghua
Family: Mother, teacher; father in government work. She is permissive though he is strict but kind, and I’m grateful to both of them for a superior upbringing with all manner of support
Education: Enrolled 2002 at SomeCityName Normal University. Majored in preschool education, with study in pedagogies, psychology, literature, fine arts, and sociology. Minored in Law, however taking many courses in this curriculum
Achieved a range of certificates, including:
CET 4 qualification
Putonghua Test Level 2, First Class
Computer proficiency, Jiangsu Province, Level 1
National Public Aerobics Test, Level 4.
Fluent in both English and Putonghuan; especially skilled at computer and good at several popular sports
Honors: Winner, 2006 Jiangsu undergraduate dissertation, “Research on Nursery Educator’s Efficacy and its Influence Factors.” Awards in sports and cultural activities, including Outstanding Student Cadre. Authored many articles, some chosen for special recognition
Work Experience: After graduation in 2006 served as instructor in School of International Trade, XXX Institute of Technology, where I was responsible for promoting and publicizing student affairs
Part-time kindergarten teacher and home tutor, ACity and AnotherCity (my hometown), providing many opportunities to apply my formal education
Activities: Writing, dancing, performing and other fine arts. Positive and optimistic, honest and cordial
In work, prudential, careful and responsible; fast learner; think creatively, communicate well with peers
dalehileman
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 876
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 876 |
Callithump,
If I understand you correctly, this is meant to be a script, in other words, she will either memorize this or read from it. Is that correct? It makes a big difference for the responses you will receive. A resume is en entirely different thing.
I have another question: Are the parts you parenthesized [(Opening), (Personal and Family Information)] required by the university as parts of the presentation? If so, responders should not edit out these sections.
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91
journeyman
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OP
journeyman
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91 |
yes. It's a script, intended to be memorized and spoken on spot, not a resume.  Those in parenthesis are intended to help the speaker memorize... So, it's intended to be half-formal, not in a writing style but in a conversation or talk.... I think I failed to make it clear. 
Do inform me if you see any corrections needed in my written English.
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91
journeyman
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OP
journeyman
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91 |
That makes a terric resume! And it's right in demand..
Do inform me if you see any corrections needed in my written English.
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91
journeyman
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OP
journeyman
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91 |
Very good suggestions and quite applicable on hand. I have to forward these to her. And helpful to me as well..:) Cheers!
Do inform me if you see any corrections needed in my written English.
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,773
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,773 |
Thanks calli, I need a little support from time to time
dalehileman
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 557
addict
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addict
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 557 |
I'm doing the whole post due to what your signature line says. Someone asksed me for some advices on the draft below. The person wants to use this as a script to introduce herself in an interview which is part of the process of admission test for a university. I gave some advice, bBut I think maybe it can be further polished, though I can't find any other problems .
Any suggestions?:)
================================================
(Opening)
Good Afternoon/Morning,
I'm Pinyin and I'm very happy to be here.
Ok.
(Personal and Family Information)
I was born in 1982 in the city of SomeCityName, XXX Province.
Present something about your family. My mother is a teacher. She gave me a lot of positive influence was very supportive -or- has been a very positive influence since myan early age. My father works with works with the -or- works in the -or- My father is in -or- My father is in the government. He is kind whileyet strict with us in US, I would assume "us" was my brothers and sisters and me, but is that a problem in China? . I’m grateful to them for bringing me up -or- for raising me and supporting me in every respect, for example, my education.
(Education)
In 2002, I entered SomeCityName Normal University, majoring in pre-schooling education. For this major, we systematically studied the courses such as in education, pedagogiesy, psychology, literature, fine arts, and sociology, etc. (I might leave the etc in in writing but while speaking it seems strained to me to leave people guessing while you continue speaking as to what other things might fit in with those other things)
I also minored in Law and studied many took extra courses on law. (I'm assuming this means she took more law courses than required for a minor, if not, I'd leave it out.)
(Achievements)
I got some certificates when in college, such as:
CET 4 qualification
Putonghua Test Level 2,First Class.
Level 1 in the computer skills test of Jiangsu Province
And
National Public Aerobics Test, Level 4.
So I have no much difficulty with English, Putonghua or Computer. And I can do well in some popular sports.
(This list is very awkward orally, if she is also giving a written resume that contains these, I would shorten it to something like)
While in college, I received certificates for CET 4, Putonghua, computer skills, and aerobics.
I also got some awards.
For example, iIn 2006, my dissertation “Research on Nursery Educator’s Efficacy and its Influence Factors” was awardedrecognized as the first class among all the undergraduate dissertations in Jiangsu. I got several awards from the school in sports and cultureal activities, as well as some and honors or titles including Outstanding Student Cadre. I wrote many articles, some of which were awarded too.received awards. (the word award is used a lot there, but if they are all called awards then call them awards)
(Work Experiences)
When in college I also worked part-timely as a teachers in some kindergartens -or- as a kindergarten teacher in ACity and AnotherCity, my hometown, orand as a home tutors. These positions -or- jobs gave me many opportunities to apply what I learned and to knowdetermine what I still need to learn further.
After I graduated from the university (are college and university interchangeable terms where you are? some places they aren't, so I thought I'd point out that you've switched back and forth) in 2006, I went to work as an instructor in at the School of International Trade, XXX Institute of Technology. I’m responsible for student’s (if this were written we could discuss whether it should be student, students', etc. but orally it doesn't matter affairs and writes articles to promote and publicize our school.
(Self-Comment)
I like writing, dancing, performing and fine arts in my spare time. (insert the part about enjoying several sports which I deleted from the awards section)(also, these are very broad categories - performing, fine arts, popular sports - you may (or may not) want to give one or two more specifics or it may (or may not) sound like just padding, e.g. I like writing poetry, traditional folk dancing, performing music and painting. I also enjoy playing tennis and volleyball.
I’m a very positive and optimistic person, honest and cordial. (That odd sentence will work orally but I wouldn't write it in a resume) When it comes to work, I’m prudential, careful and responsible. I learn things fastquickly and think creatively while communicating well with peers. All of these qualities enable me to do well in my work.
Last edited by Myridon; 04/01/08 09:33 PM.
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journeyman
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OP
journeyman
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Myridon, Your revision is in a very clear way for me to easily understand what's right and what's not right. That's the way of review I always hope my tearchers could have done, , though I know it would consume a lot of time and brain cells. Really helpful and clear in the way you edited. Thanks very very much for the thorough review.
Do inform me if you see any corrections needed in my written English.
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