Happy Thanksgiving, USns...

A Thanksgiving List by Andy Borowitz

I’m thankful to the producers of “Stuart Little 2”, for making a film that seems to have greatly reduced the chances of a “Stuart Little 3.”

I’m thankful to the executives of VH1 for pulling the plug on the reality show “Liza and David,” since a program about Liza Minnelli’s marriage couldn’t really be considered a reality show.

I’m thankful for the emergence of a public figure who finally justifies our trust – the Anaheim Angels’ Rally Monkey. tsanks, tsuwm!

I’m thankful for the scientists at the Coca Cola Company, who turned mankind’s long-elusive dream of a diet vanilla cola beverage into a reality.

I’m thankful to Mr. and Mrs. Blix for naming their son "Hans,” because I think “Hans Blix” is just about the coolest name I’ve ever heard.

I’m thankful to CBS for airing the “Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show,” although I secretly fear that Fruit-of-the-Loom will demand equal time.

I’m thankful for the urgent news alert crawl on CNN, which informed me that Rosie O’Donnell had taken her name off her magazine.

I’m thankful for Kelly Ripa, who continues to be our nation’s best defense against the return of Kathie Lee Gifford.

I’m thankful to J. Lo and Ben Affleck for announcing their engagement, since the suspense was killing me.

I’m thankful to Michael Jackson for making all of my parenting look perfect.

I’m thankful for Winona Ryder, who showed that security measures seem to be working in at least one place in this country – Saks Fifth Avenue.

I’m thankful for whoever came up with the term “perp walk.”

And finally, I’m thankful for how the election turned out – on “The West Wing.”

**** HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM THE BOROWITZ REPORT ****

http://www.borowitzreport.com/

I'm thankful I don't know what much of this means.