#67293
04/25/2002 5:45 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,661
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,661 |
Dracula took his vacation in Italy one year. He arrived at his hotel at about sundown, and Louie the new bellhop thanked him for the generous tip as he dropped his bags at the door to his room.
He got settled into his room on the top floor, and decided to get a bite to eat. He took a quick glance at the menu and ordered the steak tar-tar. The waiter knoced on the door and Dracula says "Who is it", the waiter replys "It's a Tony, your waiter, with a you steak a da tar tar". Dracula opens the door and Tony pushed his cart through and Dracula attacks Tony from behind and quickly sucks him dry. Dracula throws the body out the window and immediately orders another steak tar tar.
Five minutes later another waiter knocks on the door and Dracula answers "Who is it? The waiter replys, "It's a Dino with a you steak a da tar tar". Dracula opens the door and Dino pushes his cart through and Dracula attacks him from behind and sucks all the blood out of Dino too, and then throws his body out the window.
About a minute later, down in the lobby, Louie the new bellhop comes up the manager and yells "I Quit". The manager cries "Oh, Louie, you've only been here for two hours what could be the matter?" Louie replies "I just can't handle that drained wops keep falling on my head".
Apologies to the Italian's reading it, but it was an Italian who told me this one
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#67294
04/25/2002 9:42 PM
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757 |
truly awful =) thanks kev! hey, Jackie, you know a joke or three, don't you? 
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#67295
04/26/2002 12:00 AM
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688
addict
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addict
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688 |
I knew I'd find a place to share this one!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi'."
BET YA READ IT TWICE!!
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#67296
04/26/2002 12:17 AM
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757 |
how to spella Mississippi
lol!
It also reminded me of an interesting conversation I had with a sweet friend I used to talk to all the time... this joke seems ideal to read on the page, working better than if narrated vocally (FTF) Is there a word for this phenomenon of humour that is orthographically based, which is sometimes even a kind of sight-gag pun?
and if not, what shall it be henceforth? ;)
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#67297
04/26/2002 12:32 AM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858 |
Dear musick: how did the shag rug on the floor in the back of the van get into the header?
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#67298
04/26/2002 1:14 AM
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636 |
Here's one for all you sheep lovers Hi CapK A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornification!! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasions" The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the black sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"!
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#67299
04/26/2002 1:17 AM
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189 |
Let's Shag, Baby!Gives a whole new meaning to the Walt Disney movie, The Shaggy Dog, doesn't it? The Only WO'N!
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#67300
04/26/2002 1:49 AM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858 |
Dear consuelo: I don't know much about genetics, but I doubt very much that the missionary could have sired a white child even if he tried many times. In the days of slavery, there were many children born of black women and white miscegenators.(many unprintable words regretfully rejected) I never heard of one being born white.
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#67301
04/26/2002 2:34 AM
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636 |
I say, I say, it's a joke son!
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#67302
04/26/2002 2:59 AM
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189 |
I say, I say, it's a joke son!
She said, sheepishly.
The Only WO'N!
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#67303
04/26/2002 3:27 AM
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 279
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 279 |
Speaken of all things aminalistic - what do ya call a septic cat?
puss
Be seein ya
Anon
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#67304
04/26/2002 3:49 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
I am reminded of the three most common lies told in Montana: "Yeah, this here's MY ranch," "Of course, my pickup truck's paid for," and "I was just helpin' this here sheep over the fence."
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#67305
04/26/2002 9:21 AM
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757 |
a septic cat?
puss in boots?
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#67306
04/26/2002 11:01 AM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
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#67307
04/26/2002 4:21 PM
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,692
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,692 |
One more to follow the animal theme, a bit long but worth it:
A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk.
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy still as the dead, stone cold in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive bird, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh...., asshole, they're getting closer.”
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#67309
04/26/2002 9:49 PM
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636 |
I guess that must have been a case of "What the hell?"[scratching head-e] so we just suited ourselves! wwh - Tell me, how did the shag rug on the floor in the back of the van get into the header? My best guess would be thirty year old tequilla 
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#67310
04/28/2002 12:01 AM
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636 |
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the
Mental Health Institute:
Hello. And welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalties, press 3, 4, and 5.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which numbers to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press--- no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. all of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
Suicide hot line. Please hold.
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#67311
04/28/2002 11:21 AM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 315
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 315 |
Apologies to the Italian's reading it
No,no.. no reason for apologizing... If I only could understand how the ortographic mistakes are referring to a supposed Italian accent, I think that I could then improve my own accent - I think that I understood "asses" for "s's"in Mississippi - but why lasta? and da tar tar?
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#67312
04/28/2002 6:11 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,661
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,661 |
... but why lasta? and da tar tar?
One guess. A mispronounced "steak OF THE tar-tar". "OF THE" being used to announce the adjectival nature of tar-tar, which only becomes necessary as one learns *english one word ata time.
The "a" is pronounced like "uh" or "um", which may be a teacher passing their own 'pausing utterance' on to the attentive student. Just another bad guess.
--------------
Dragging this back to shagging, by the ears...
What do you call 500 Indians with no nipples?
The Indian nippless 500
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#67313
04/28/2002 6:33 PM
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 279
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 279 |
Then there was the Indian Chief what drank 500 cups of tea.
He was found ded the next day in his teepee.
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#67314
04/28/2002 8:08 PM
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189 |
Hello. And welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you're hearing voices...well, you are.
The Only WO'N!
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#67315
04/29/2002 12:29 AM
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891 |
I...... LOVE...... YOU...... GUYS...... !!!!Thanks for the laughs. You've made my day.
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#67316
04/29/2002 5:17 AM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 618
addict
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addict
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 618 |
Best joke I've heard in a while... (answer below in white)
What will Bob the Builder be called when he retires?
Bob
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#67317
04/29/2002 10:08 AM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204 |
And then there was a friend of mine who made earings for the Indians
He had an engineering factory.
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#67318
04/29/2002 1:14 PM
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 279
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 279 |
Incontinence hotline...
Can you hold please.
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#67319
04/29/2002 1:14 PM
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 279
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 279 |
Incontinence hotline...
Can ya hold please.
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#67320
04/29/2002 6:13 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,661
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,661 |
G-Ted, It was funnier the first time!
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#67321
04/29/2002 6:15 PM
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189 |
Two holds for the price of one, hey GT?!  The Only WO'N!
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#67322
04/29/2002 6:35 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 544
addict
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addict
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 544 |
He had an engineering factory.
Now that'sa funny!
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
This one was great too, and reminded me of something. A few years ago I lived on a nice little street here in Berkeley, California, with one real problem - down the block was a house that was being used to deal crystal meth - not the most savory of drugs. Folks on the block had a number of meetings with the police about it, and we were discussing the behavior of some of the folks at the house, particularly that they were constantly, even obsessively, mucking about under the hoods of their cars. The cops at this meeting told us that this is very typical of meth heads - if you put them in a room, alone, with a phone, they will always take the phone apart.
Not word related, but I found it interesting.
(possible word relation - the stuff makes them want to meth with things?)
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#67323
04/29/2002 6:42 PM
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 279
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 279 |
Howye fokes
I'm fierce sorry about that. Mabee I wanted ta do a number 2 (who came up with that one any how?)
Just ta get ye back fer been so pendantic (prudes please look away now)...
What's brown and sits on a piana stool?
Beethoven's last movement.
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#67324
04/30/2002 4:35 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
if you put them in a room, alone, with a phone, they will always take
the phone apart.
Isa therea phonesa made ina Napoli? He coulda takea the Napolean phoneapart.
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#67325
04/30/2002 8:25 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146 |
Then there was the Pakistani diesel fitter. Worked for his brother in the bazaar. Held up the clothes and said "Diesel fitter! Diesel fitter!"
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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#67326
05/01/2002 8:34 AM
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Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
addict
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addict
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444 |
What's brown and sits on a piana stool?What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picasso! [no way to do brown text! No fair!  ]
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#67327
05/01/2002 4:41 PM
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 200
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 200 |
"He coulda takea the Napolean phoneapart."
Of Corsi-can.
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#67328
05/01/2002 10:53 PM
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 475
addict
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addict
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 475 |
these are real excerpts from a disability form the government requires one to fill in in England when claiming.
Are you blind? tick here
Can you read? tick here
Do you speak English? tick here
Can you write with your right or your left hand? tick here
Can you understand anything anybody says? tick here
And so on for about nine A4 pages.
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#67329
05/02/2002 1:10 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
Of Corsi-can.
Unlessa he's-a doin' hisa business ina da wet toilet, da water-loo, denna da Corsi-can't.
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#67330
05/02/2002 2:06 AM
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636 |
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees an
Indian woman hitchhiking.
Since the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Indian
woman gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown
bag on the front seat.
"What's in the bag?", she asks.
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband", says the saleswoman.
The Indian woman is silent for a while and then she says, "Good trade."
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of
worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I
don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.
"Me neither, let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.
"OK", said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen
asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his
face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
BLONDE HONEYMOON
On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy
but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to
find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I
have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
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#67331
05/03/2002 5:14 PM
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Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467 |
Reminds me of the Wong family, from Shanghai. Mrs. Wong disappeared one day, and it was two years later that Mr. Wong tracked her down in hedonist Honk Kong. He found her with a bouncing blue-eyed baby girl sitting on her lap. Mr. Wong remonstrated, "Now, now, my dear, two Wongs don't make a white." She smiled coyly and replied, "It's OK. This one was purely Occidental."
TEd
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#67332
05/04/2002 12:46 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
"It's OK. This one was purely Occidental."
Yeah, sure, Ted, she was just temporarily dis-oriented.
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