#60719
03/12/2002 3:42 AM
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688
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The differences between men and women can come down to their understanding of some simple words:
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes
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#60720
03/12/2002 3:48 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 1,289
veteran
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veteran
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ROFLMAO!! Now I suppose one of us maligned males has to compile a list from the masculine point of view. How about it, guys?
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#60721
03/12/2002 3:52 AM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Posts: 2,605 |
and please let's not ruin a perfectly good feelthy thread ... 
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#60722
03/12/2002 3:54 AM
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688
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Tee hee! [mock angelic-e]
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#60723
03/12/2002 1:27 PM
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 322
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 322 |
This thread reminds me of the following silliness (sent to me by a she):
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."
He said... "Shall we try switching positions tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and watch TV."
Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Don't worry - I ain't looking'
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
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#60724
03/12/2002 10:00 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 11,070 Likes: 2
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 11,070 Likes: 2 |
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
from Oklahoma! (and probably long before that, too)
Celeste Holm (a.k.a Ado Annie) sings:
"...With you, it's all er nuthin' -
All fer you, and nuthin' fer me
But if a gal is wise
She's gotta realize
That men like you are wild and free.
So I ain't gonna fuss, ain't gonna frown,
Have yer fun, go out on the town,
Stay out late and don't come home till three,
And go right off to sleep if yer sleepy,
Don't be waitin' up
Fer
Me !"
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#60725
03/13/2002 12:10 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
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6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.
Ah, how true! I once worked for a man who had his various emissions categorized by pitch, volume, odor, and texture. Yes, a real man's man! BTW, is the Britslang term, "cough in your rompers" appropriate here?
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#60726
03/13/2002 3:09 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 1,289
veteran
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veteran
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 1,289 |
All right, you wusses. If no one else dares, I'll start the male version of male/female words.
SCREWDRIVER (scroo dry ver) n.
Male... A hand tool used to turn screws
Female... A multipurpose hand tool used, inter alia, as an ice pick, pry lever, hole punch, window prop, but never to turn screws [for which, see nail file and table knife]
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#60727
03/13/2002 1:55 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
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Posts: 819 |
SCREWDRIVER (scroo dry ver) n.
Male... A hand tool used to turn screws
Oh. I thought it had to do with vodka and orange juice. And a piledriver is made from vodka and Ex Lax.
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#60728
03/13/2002 2:57 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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vodka and orange juice
And a Phillips screwdriver is vodka and milk of magnesia
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#60729
03/13/2002 3:39 PM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 107
member
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member
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Posts: 107 |
Woman: Travel Hair Dryer: Portable/compact tool for drying hair while traveling
Man: Great tool for melting ice out of keyhole in car, (make sure you have a long enough extension cord that reaches half way up the driveway.) be sure to leave in the house. Also used for removing tape residue from any surface.
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#60730
03/13/2002 3:56 PM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204 |
LID n. (lid)
Male: device for covering container (box, jar, etc) securely, by pressing down or screwing on, to ensure that contents remain inside.
Female: decorative thingee (see above) for placing lightly on top of container, so that contents will spill when anyone tries to move it
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#60731
03/13/2002 5:56 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
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Posts: 819 |
Hair dryer
No! My German neighbor, Herr Dreyer is!
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#60732
03/13/2002 6:20 PM
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,692
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,692 |
(blue)“ROFLMAO!! Now I suppose one of us maligned males has to compile a list from the masculine point of view. How about it, guys?”(/blue). Damn - that colouring process didn't work!
Well how about this, recently received from a lady correspondent in San Francisco. I have been egged on by “of Troy” to publish and be damned:
Instructions for men about women's keywords and their meanings:
"FINE"
This is the word women use at the end of an argument, when they know they are right, but want to shut you up. Also note that you should never use "Fine" to describe how a woman looks if you actually haven't really thought about it. She will recognize it as brain-dead patronizing when you are supposed to be in smooth-talking complimentary mode. This will cause you to have a bad day.
"FIVE MINUTES"
This is at least half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
"NOTHING"
"Nothing" is used to communicate that you had better figure out really fast what is wrong and fix it. You must do this without input from the woman because,if she has to explain what is wrong, she will be even more angry. Speed is of the utmost importance. Mentally backtrack through recent events for clues.Even if you can't figure it out, apologize and look pathetic. Otherwise
"Nothing" will signify an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
"GO AHEAD" (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
"GO AHEAD" (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she gets over being depressed about your display of gross insensitivity to her needs.
"LOUD SIGH"
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
"SOFT SIGH"
"Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe.
"OH"
"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get the raised eyebrows "GO AHEAD," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
"THAT'S OKAY"
This is one of the most dangerous interim statements. "THAT'S OKAY" means that she wants to think long and hard about appropriate retributions for what you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine," and in conjunction with the raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the future, when she thoroughly discussed your callous deeds with all of her friends, and considered their combined input, you are going to be so sorry.
"PLEASE DO"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to change your mind and decide not to do whatever you were going to do. When making this decision you must combine it with statements about how much she means to you and how that influenced your decision to not do whatever she said to "Please do."
"THANKS"
It is counterintuitive but actually the woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just hug her and tell her you love her and remember to do the same thing again soon.
"THANKS A LOT"
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
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#60733
03/13/2002 6:26 PM
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Posts: 5,400 |
make the brackets square brackets..[ to open and ] to close..
and yes that is cute... i got in a email recently!
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#60734
03/14/2002 4:35 AM
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 477
addict
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addict
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Posts: 477 |
Damn - that colouring process didn't work!
But this does... WELCOME  to you dxb - glad to have you with us.
For MaxQ's helpful hints about colours, idiosyncrasies etc., go to the Information & Announcements Forum, and go to the thread called Helpful Hints & FAQs Take 2
Hev
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#60735
03/14/2002 10:12 PM
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891 |
Rhu, to add to your post  SEAT n. Male: the open circle on the toilet that is always up leaning against the lid. Female: the open circle on the toilet that is always down, on which you lower the lid when company comes.
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#60736
03/14/2002 11:27 PM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Then there is the small male who has been taught not to pee on the seat, who leaves it up in middle of the night, where either mom or pop gets an unpleasant surprise in the dark a bit later.
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#60737
03/15/2002 11:06 AM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803 |
either mom or pop gets an unpleasant surprise
One would think that mom or pop would have learned by now to look before sitting.
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#60738
03/15/2002 12:07 PM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204 |
have learned by now to look before sitting
Hades, no! At that time of night, a) you haven't the energy or wakefulness to open eyes and
b) if you did, "in the dark of the night", tha'd see nowt any road!
(and "touché", bel!)
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#60739
03/15/2002 12:48 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803 |
*Sigh* You need a certain amount of wakefulness just to find where you're sitting down anyway. Channel a little of it into noticing what you're sitting on.
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#60740
03/15/2002 1:42 PM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,204 |
Nah! - I do it by instinct and in my sleep.
Although this can lead to unfortunate happenings! In the our last cottage, which was 300 years old and crazy, the route from beroom to bathroom went down five steps to a half-landing, then up five steps to the bathroom. The bottom steps on both flights were near enough to each other to step from one to the other without going down right onto the landing.
One night, I had semi-woken up, instead of being fast asleep during my nocturnal visit as usual. I made the mistake of counting steps and miscounted, therefor trying to step from the fourth step onto the other flight. I woke up totally and completely just half-a-second before my face smashed into the opposite top stair, as my feet plummetted towards the half-landing below!
My face was red and my eye was black.
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#60741
03/15/2002 2:02 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 866
old hand
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old hand
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Posts: 866 |
OK BYB,
LEFT
Male (in the US and on the continent) - the side the steering wheel's on.
Female (around the world) - uuummm......
STREET DIRECTORY
Male - Book of maps showing thoroughfares, places of interest, recreation reserves etc.
Female - uuummm......
stales
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#60742
03/15/2002 3:29 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803 |
My face was red and my eye was black.
But your butt wasn't wet.
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#60743
03/16/2002 12:03 AM
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891 |
STREET DIRECTORY
Male - Book of maps showing thoroughfares, places of interest, recreation reserves etc.
Female - uuummm......
ooooooooo I *must disagree on that one stales. Men *never use street directories. Men will drive around for hours never admitting they are lost.
Men will drive around for hours thinking that the ultimate truth as to the right direction will come as from God instead of from the gas station attendant who has lived in that area for all of his 87 years.
If Moses had listened to his wife and stopped for directions they would have found the holy land in a day and a half instead of 40 years.
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#60744
03/16/2002 12:55 AM
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400 |
but there are lots of studies showing men and women move in space in different ways..
woman use landmarks, go past the bakery, turn right by the shoe store, and then turn left by the big white house with the red shutters, which is past the school and the fire house.
a guy giving the same directions, turn right at the second traffic light, go down a ways, about 3 miles, fourth left after the traffic signal (fire house!)
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#60745
03/16/2002 1:02 AM
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,526
veteran
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veteran
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This is not my experience. I almost always check a map before traveling to an unknown place. My wife has the extremely irritating habit of removing the maps from the car for no apparent reason other than that she believes them to be as useful as cuneiform.
I seldom ask for instructions unless I actually am lost, because most of the time the instructions I receive are nonsensical or erroneous. On the rare occasions when I can't find myself, I have also been unable to locate said gas station attendant who has lived in the area for decades.
The good news is that my oldest daughter is adept at map reading, able to express herself clearly, and being an excellent navigator is an absolute pleasure to travel with. My youngest daughter is showing signs of being similarly inclined. I can only deduce that, if there is a gene for this characteristic, it must reside somewhere in the X chromosome. This astonishing conclusion has caused me no end of cognitive dissonance.
k
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#60746
03/16/2002 1:25 AM
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688
addict
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addict
Joined: Dec 2001
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Men will drive around for hours never admitting they are lost.Oh, Bel! You are so right! Every summer we go to the same place in Ohio. Stay at a hotel at the same exit and travel the same roads to our destination each day. Last year, we had to get hotel reservations at the next exit north. Well, going from the hotel to the track became a riot every morning. I said turn left to head south, my husband said the road was at an angle, therefore turn right. He even went so far as to pull out a compass just to show me we were headed south. I knew we were going the wrong way, and the map was in the trunk. I asked for the compass, and when it moved away from the steering wheel, the needle turned. For whatever reason, when the compass was within two feet of the steering wheel, it would point straight at it! To make a long story short, compass or no compass, we had to turn left to go south! 
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#60747
03/16/2002 1:28 AM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858 |
In a Military Medicine course, the Colonel told us about American troops early in WWII blundering right into German ambushes because they had not learned to use maps. Suddenly learning map reading did not seem so boring. I was lucky that my wife did not resent my cautious tactful explanations of the essentials. She was a big help on long trips.
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#60748
03/16/2002 1:58 AM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
If Moses had listened to his wife and stopped for directions they would have found the holy land in a day and a half instead of 40 years.
And after all that time, Moses finally managed to select practically the only spot in the entire area that doesn't have oil?
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#60749
03/16/2002 2:06 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
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Posts: 819 |
I can only deduce that, if there is a gene for this characteristic, it must reside somewhere in
the X chromosome. This astonishing conclusion has caused me no end of cognitive dissonance.
You have no X chromosome? Y not?
I took up flying some years ago just so I could look down and see where the heck I was!
Not all who wander are lost - it's only we men.
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#60750
03/16/2002 4:53 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146 |
the Colonel told us about American troops early in WWII blundering right into German ambushes because they had not learned to use maps
Well, we were talking about historical revisionism in another thread. Bill, you been talking to David Irving recently? Of course, it could have been the marines guarding the American embassy in Berlin, I suppose ...
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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#60751
03/16/2002 4:55 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Posts: 3,146 |
On the rare occasions when I can't find myselfHmmm. I thought you lived on the east coast, not in San Francisco!
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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#60752
03/16/2002 7:57 PM
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,526
veteran
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veteran
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Posts: 1,526 |
"You have no X chromosome?"
Yes, and a Y to boot, which is where I would have expected this hypothetical sequence of codons to reside. However, the fact that my daughters (yes, they *are* girls ... I checked when they were born) show evidence of having them means that they might (contrary to the expectations wrought from all of my previous experiences) reside on the X after all.
k
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#60753
03/17/2002 3:51 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 1,289
veteran
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veteran
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Posts: 1,289 |
No Bel, you haven't quite got it. Men do indeed use maps; women have no idea what a map is for or how to use it. AS to asking directions, you are right on. No man will ever ask someone for directions except as an absolute last resort.
And as for the kind of directions you usually get, it certainly varies very much. I once was given directions by a friend to get to his house and the ended up, "turn left at the next street after you see the red Volkswagen parked on your left." I thought this strange, figuring that if the owner of the VW were to take it out shopping, I would have a problem, but no, when we went, there was the VW. Turns out it had been sitting in the same place for years and never moved.
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#60754
03/17/2002 2:31 PM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 872
old hand
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old hand
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Posts: 872 |
On Spatial DimorphismAh ha! At last. A dichotomy of the sexes with which even the lesser of the sexes will agree. People of all manner and circumstance have observed that the human female is inept when giving directions or receiving same. This is because back when our species was roaming the forest floor in search of food the female wasn't allowed to roam with the men. This wasn't sexist. The female was the one with the milk. Time passed. Today the female lives in a modern world where cars and feet go many, many, places and the female can't even read a map. Or judge distances. Or empathize with the males own peculiar desires and altruistic behaviors (but that's another story). I had a good buddy once that the very first thing he did upon acquiring a new girlfriend or wife, was to teach them to fold a road map. Not read it- fold it. Yeah, yeah, bitch, bitch, bitch. I know that all you women weren't poured from the same syrup bucket but I also know that only one lady in one million could whip me in a fair fight. But now a "fair fight" would be a oxyanthropomorphizologicalmoron, now wouldn't it. Thanks Milum for the use of your machine, Raymond
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#60755
03/17/2002 2:50 PM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 771
old hand
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old hand
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Posts: 771 |
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#60756
03/17/2002 3:15 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,439
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Posts: 3,439 |
Hay BobY and Milum ... you are partly right but mostly wrong.
In my early driving days - late 1940s - I had an unerring sense of direction and could find my way quickly and correctly by instinct ... A talent that fliers call "seat of the pants reckoning" and a talent much desired by pilots
In later years (late 1950s, early 1960s)I was manager of an American Automobile Association (AAA) office and during training was introduced to map reading and learned, too, that all AAA maps fold the exact same way.
Any AAA travel agent - yes, the ones who make up your maps and TripTix -AND they're mostly women these days -will clue you in, it's easy.
As to giving directions - Ask Cap Kiwi if he had any problems finding my house with the directions I gave him!
So there.
(Where is that auditory raspberry emoticon when you need it?)
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#60757
03/17/2002 3:44 PM
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400 |
map reading, is a spacial skill. there is some slight evidence men are slightly better at spacial skills. How ever, it is not true that being male make you good at spacial skill or that being female makes you bad.
my ex husband went from queens to putnum county (pretty much dead north) via connecticut. (most definately east. i asked him-- didn't the sun light (it was early morning) shining directy into your eyes give you a clue you were going in the wrong directions. He replied "why should it?"
this same man lost the on ramp to the queensbourgh bridge, at queens plaza. (the brigde is less than a quarter of a mile away! all you need to do is to go straight.) he went from queens to an adress in brooklyn, via the verranzano bridge! The man could not find his way out of a paper bag with out help.
my kids grew up thinking i knew how to get everywhere in creatation-- since i was always the family navigator. when i was divorced, and going to Boston for the first time, i took along my daughter, handed her the map, and said you navagate.
fortunately, i really knew the way.. but i would ask her questions. at the end of the trip (and she missed a day of school coming with me to boston) she announced, "maps are usefull" -- i was stunned! and asked her if "didn't you already know that?" and she said "no"
her experience till then (she was 16) was "local maps" of the nieghborhood made as class projects to teach maps -- as as she said, she didn't need a map for the nieghborhood, she knew where thing were, and how to get there, and large scale maps (the US, Europe, the world)
she had no idea about road maps.
Now she is a bright kid, and had traveled alot, but she missed out about road maps. i wonder how many other kids have too? and if your spacial skills are weak, and you are never exposed, and its never really taught in school, unless someone teaches you, you never learn how to use maps. Since then, she has travel thousand of miles (she has driven to New Orleans twice!) and she never gets lost!
she some times get annoyed by directions.. one set of directions to a locale in DC started at I 495-- and she quipped, "gee, i didn't know you could get to DC on the LIE" (a local road with the same designation) so she got a map, and found her way from I 495 (LIE) to I 495 (DC beltway). my son seems to have inherited his sense of direction from his father.
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#60758
03/17/2002 4:44 PM
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688
addict
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addict
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688 |
I find when men have trouble finding a place, they usually have someone or something to blame. Their partner read the map wrong. The directions were wrong. The signs were wrong. "The entrance to the roundabout which would have taken us onto the bridge at Niagara put us in the wrong lane on the roundabout." Right Cap K?
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