#50656
12/24/2001 1:50 AM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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#50657
12/24/2001 2:27 AM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Posts: 11,613 |
So, what is the funniest, to you, my Sweet Max? I thought this one was pretty good, and I liked that only a fictitious character got put down.
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#50658
12/24/2001 2:36 AM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
Carpal Tunnel
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#50659
12/24/2001 3:53 AM
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Posts: 11,613
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Well??? Give, then. 
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#50660
12/24/2001 4:20 AM
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10,542
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Carpal Tunnel
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while we're waiting with deformed breath, here's one:
An old woman is expecting the plumber to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock comes and goes; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
She concludes he isn't coming, and goes out to do some errands. While she is out, naturally, the plumber arrives.
He knocks on the door; the lady's parrot, who is in a cage by the door, says, "Who is it?"
He replies, "It's the plumber."
Thinking he's talking to the woman, he waits for her to come and let him in. When this doesn't happen he knocks again, and again the parrot says, "Who is it?"
He says, "It's the plumber!"
He waits, and again no one comes to let him in. He knocks again, and again the parrot says, "Who is it?"
He thinks maybe the woman is hard of hearing so he shouts, "It's the plumber!!!"
Again he waits; again she doesn't come; again he knocks; again the parrot says, "Who is it?"
"IT'S THE PLUMBER!!!!" he screams, flying into a rage; he takes his biggest pipe wrench to the door and bashes it in, sees the parrot in the cage next to the door and, in an apoplectic fit, he suffers a massive heart attack and he falls dead in the doorway.
The old woman comes home from her errands, only to see the door bashed in and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaims, "Who is it?!"
The parrot replies, "It's the plumber."
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#50661
12/24/2001 6:02 AM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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#50662
12/24/2001 1:39 PM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Max, you are sick! Sick, I say. But,  . Oooh, parrot jokes! I know there are other good ones out there--anybody got any? (hint)
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#50663
12/24/2001 1:44 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
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[white][more white][even more white]That is the most disgustipating joke I've seen in a long time, Max. I didn't know whether to laugh or [expletive deleted][/expletive deleted] my [expletive deleted][/expletive deleted] out[/even more white][/more white][/white]
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#50664
12/24/2001 2:24 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 11,072 Likes: 2
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you left out "...He's come to fix the sink!" and perhaps a reference to Sesame Street from the seventies (though undoubtedly it antedates that, too)
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#50665
12/24/2001 4:03 PM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 96
journeyman
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journeyman
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 96 |
A man walks into a doctors
The doctor says "what seems to be the trouble?"
the mans says nothing, he silently turns around and drops his pants, there just visible betwwen the cheeks of his arse is a tiny little piece of green lettuce leaf
"my god " says the doctor "i have never seen anything like it, is it painful ?"
The man sighs deeply "painful doctor? thats just the tip of the Iceberg"
the Duncster
the Duncster
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#50666
12/24/2001 7:30 PM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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#50667
12/24/2001 8:51 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
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Posts: 819 |
she heard it from a professor of pathology
Well, he was pathological, wasn't he!
The original joke involving Holmes and Watson made the rounds in the US of A with The Lone Ranger and Tonto as the characters.
Another parrot joke for Jackie:
A linguist who was convinced that parrots could understand human speech spent many years training his parrot to understand several hundred English words, but could never get coherent syntax from him. Just as he was ready to admit failure, the parrot squawked, "Look out, the cieling's falling!" Sure enough, a large chunk of cieling came crashing down upon the linguist, striking him dead. The parrot looked down, then said to himself, "Sheesh, he spends ten years teaching me to talk, then when I do, does he listen? Nooooo."
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#50668
12/24/2001 11:56 PM
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400
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Oh Max-- I'm with faldage-- its horrible, and i still laughed my head off..
in NY, there is a similar -- but lest sinister joke.
three elderly woman are sitting enjoy an sunny afternoon on a park bench. they sit in near silence. One women gently sighs.. time passes.. another of them woman, gently shakes her head, and softest little tsk passes her lips.. more time passes.. and finally the third woman offers up the a small prayer, "please god"-- so soft, its almost under here breath.. and then, the first woman, looks at the other two, and says, "I'm sorry, i shouldn't have started it.. after all we agreed, today we weren't going to talk about the kids".
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#50669
12/25/2001 1:35 AM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Max! Congratulations on carpeling!
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#50670
12/25/2001 1:53 AM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
Carpal Tunnel
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#50671
12/31/2001 12:48 AM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Oooh, parrot jokes! I know there are other good ones out there--anybody got any? (hint)
Believe it or not, "parrot jokes" googles to fully 470 hits -- some people have too much time on their hands!
A personal favorite is word-related, for it requires yiddish; the oft-told english punchline is IMHO far inferior. The yiddish word chachma literally means wisdom or a wise act, but more often is used with sarcastic derision. (Just as the english wise guy, though literally complementary, is a derisive term.)
A magician, on a cruise ship, regularly had his routines ruined by the onboard parrot, who would fly around squawking out his secrets. "IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!", the parrot would squawk, or "IT'S BEHIND THE SCREEN!", or "THERE'S A FALSE BOTTOM!"
One night during a frightful storm at sea, the magician was giving the performance of his life in an attempt to distract the frightened passengers -- subject to he parrot's usual interference. Suddenly a tremendous wave smashed the ship in two, and all found themselves thrashing in the water, in chaos. As the magician clung to a scrap of wood for dear life, the parrot eventually drifted by him in the random currents. The parrot, fixing a skeptical eye upon him, asked disdainfully:
yiddish version: So tell me, vas dis trick chachma?
english version: OK, I give up. What did you do with the ship?
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#50672
12/31/2001 1:10 AM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Never heard it in Yiddish before but I have heard the English version. It took me a while to get it in Yiddish but I think I do prefer it that way. It could be done better in English, though. Maybe, "Do you think that was a smart thing to do?" Or something like that.
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#50673
12/31/2001 3:54 AM
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
Carpal Tunnel
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Love the joke, Max! Never knew you had it in you! (such deviance, I mean) The Holmes joke is good, but just a chuckler on my laugh meter. Here's one of my all-time favorites: Rated R, thus in white (this makes sure everybody reads it!  ): Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Loreena Bobbitt?
A: Mmmmmmm...you gonna eat dat?And here's a cute one, especially for tsuwm, that I just heard the other day: Why is the word "dictionary" in the freakin' dictionary?
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#50674
12/31/2001 7:30 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
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[NOTE: One obscenity follows ...]
A minister wanted to buy his wife something unusual for her birthday. On impulse, he ducked into a pet shop to have a look at the animals, thinking that a pet would be a good present.
But although he looked at every animal in the shop, he couldn't see anything which he thought would be anything other than a nuisance after the first few days. He discussed the situation with the pet shop owner.
"Is your wife religious?" the owner asked.
"Oh, she's very pious," the minister replied, "she goes to church more often than I do. She's quite saintly, in fact."
"Well then," the pet shop owner said, "I may have just the thing. Hang on a minute." And he went out the back and came back with a motley-looking parrot in a tatty-looking cage. The only unusual thing about it was that there was a piece of string dangling from each of the parrot's legs.
"Noooo, I don't think so," the minister said. "It doesn't look very attractive." The parrot hunched up on its perch and went to sleep.
"Wait, wait," the owner said, "It's special. See those two strings?" The minister nodded.
"Well, if you tug the one on its left leg, it sings 'Onward Christian Soldiers'. If you pull the string on its right leg, it sings 'There is a Green Hill Far Away'. How's that?"
The minister was intrigued. "Show me," he said.
The pet shop owner opened the cage door and gently tugged on the string on the parrot's left leg. The parrot woke up and sang every verse of "Onward Christian Soldiers" in key and with perfect timing and diction. The minister was impressed. "And the other one?" he asked.
The owner reached into the cage again and tugged the string on the parrot's right leg. The parrot did a perfect rendition of "There is a Green Hill Far Away".
"I'll take it!" the minister cried, "It's the perfect gift for my lovely wife!"
So he took the parrot home and showed to his wife immediately, because he couldn't think of a way to hide it until that Sunday, which was her birthday. He went through the routine with her, showing her how it sang hymns when you tugged on the strings. She clapped her hands in delight and kissed her proud hubby.
"Oh, it's just the most perfect birthday present I've ever had, sweetheart!" she cooed. Then she stopped and thought for a minute and asked him: "And what happens if you pull both strings together?"
The parrot declared: "I fall off the fucking perch, you dumb bitch!"
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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#50675
12/31/2001 7:37 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
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Okay, Jackie, here's another ...
A man inherited a parrot from his estranged uncle. He wasn't sure he wanted a parrot, but he thought he'd try living with it for a while and see how things went.
The parrot duly arrived and its cage was installed in the living room. For the first day it didn't say anything at all, and the man was beginning to think that maybe a parrot wasn't such a bad idea after all. But the next morning it began to swear. Not just mild curses, but deep-seated obsenities of a gynaecological and penile nature. It asked questions about the man's parentage as well as suggesting that he didn't know anything about it.
And it didn't stop. It got worse. It would swear loudly whenever the man was in the room, and would practice quietly to itself when he wasn't. After a week, the man was becoming desperate. He'd tried to teach it to say the normal things like "Polly want a cracker?", and it told him where to shove the cracker. He asked the parrot "Who's a pretty boy, then?" And the parrot would reply "Not me, you ____!" and then tell him where to buy pretty boys if he was so ____ _____, ____ keen to have one.
It came to a head about eight days after the parrot arrived. The man's aging mother was due to arrive for dinner. She never swore herself and was quite vocal in her contempt for the intellectual abilities of people who did so. Obviously, he had to stop the parrot from swearing. He tried putting the parrot in different rooms, in the garden shed, in the attic, in the garage, but no matter where he put it, you could hear the swearing quite clearly from the lounge and dining room.
Finally, in absolute panic a few minutes before his mother was due to arrive, he grabbed the parrot by the throat and threw it into the freezer. For a couple of minutes the swearing reached new heights of inventiveness and the parrot managed to plumb new depths of invective and abuse.
Then all of a sudden it stopped. Deathly silence. Nada.
After a few minutes of this, the man's conscience began to prick at him. It wasn't the parrot's fault after all; the uncle hadn't brought it up correctly, that was all. Freezing to death was a cruel way to die, wasn't it? Eventually he found he had to open the freezer door, expecting find a corpse. But while the parrot had a light coating of frost on its feathers, it seemed quite healthy and hopped out of the freezer and on to the man's shoulder, nuzzling up to his neck.
"Okay, old boy," the parrot said, "Fair's fair. I'll be a model of decorum from now on. I'll recite Gray's 'Elegy' and tell morally uplifting stories for your mother. I'll even say 'Polly want a cracker' if you really insist. You win."
The man was nonplussed but delighted. He went and got parrot treats from the cupboard and gave them to the bird, who picked them over rather than wolfing them down, appearing to be thinking deeply.
Finally the parrot looked up as if it wanted to say something but couldn't quite think how to put it. Then it asked: "By the way, old man, what did the chicken do?"
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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#50676
12/31/2001 4:12 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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W'On makes reference to Loreena Bobbitt. Her name is apt. Per http://www.bartleby.com/61/83/B0358300.html: bob: TRANSITIVE VERB: To cut short or reshape: bobbed her hair; had his nose bobbed.
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#50677
12/31/2001 4:47 PM
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10,542
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One New Year's Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Hogmanay gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing well-known holiday carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot and Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot and the store was filled with a clearly intoned "Silent Night. Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man took out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came "Silent Night. Holy Night..." The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So he held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face and, squirming all the while, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life): "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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#50678
12/31/2001 5:17 PM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...." All right, TED--how'd you log on under tsuwm's name???
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#50679
01/01/2002 3:45 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
Did y'all hear about the dyslexic drunk who walked into a bra?
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#50680
01/01/2002 4:14 AM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Did y'all hear about ...
I'd forgotten about that one. Tanks for the mammaries.
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#50681
01/01/2002 5:56 AM
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688
addict
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addict
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688 |
Tanks for the mammaries.Mammaries? 
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#50682
01/01/2002 7:03 AM
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
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Carpal Tunnel
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Congratulations, Angel! Our first postee of 2002! 
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#50683
01/01/2002 8:13 AM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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#50684
01/01/2002 4:50 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
Mammaries?
Oh, c'mon, you remember the song, "Tanks for the mammaries!" Oh. That joke was a real bust.
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#50685
01/01/2002 6:08 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Geoff, this subject began with your post about the dyslexic drunk. I Bob Hope you wouldn't have preferred the dyslexia-proof, palindromic synonym?
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#50686
01/01/2002 6:28 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
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Posts: 819 |
I Bob Hope you wouldn't have preferred the dyslexia-proof, palindromic synonym? Oh, you mean the kind of bee that gives milk?
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#50687
01/01/2002 6:52 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Is this the question-thread, Geoff?
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#50688
01/02/2002 1:34 AM
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Oh, c'mon, you remember the song, "Tanks for the mammaries!" Oh. That joke was a real bust.I always thought that was the song Al Jolson made famous: "Maaaammmary! Maaaammmary! Oh some swing East And some swing West But I know where They swing the best!" I thought everybody knew that one!
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#50689
01/02/2002 6:22 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
"Maaaammmary!
Maaaammmary!...
I thought everybody knew that one!
Sure. I heard it years ago on an old nippleodian
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#50690
01/02/2002 4:05 PM
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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#50691
01/02/2002 10:25 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Geoff asked Did y'all hear about the dyslexic drunk who walked into a bra?.
Yep, must have been the same one who tagged the bar wall: "Dyslexics lure, KO?"
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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#50692
01/03/2002 12:03 AM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Posts: 2,605 |
maddog it all, guys!
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#50693
01/03/2002 4:05 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
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Posts: 819 |
"Dyslexics lure, KO?"
Sad to say, as ruler, he never measured up.
And, of course, "Mad dog" was the dyslexic's way of profaning the divine name. (though misspelling "damn")
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#50694
01/03/2002 1:45 PM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 6,511
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Posts: 6,511 |
the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who tossed and turned all night mulling over the existence of dog?
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#50695
01/03/2002 6:15 PM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 96
journeyman
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journeyman
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 96 |
the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
the Duncster
the Duncster
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