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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
Keiva here: Jacqueline, dahling, you resemble a picture of breasts and ladies of the evening? 
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
If you say so, "dahling". [raised-eyebrow warning e]
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milk"maids".
Your headache is far to small a penalty for your night of carousing and debau-cheriee. The "terpsichorean rosebuds" ye gathered are not Robert Herrick's -- they are what Gore Vidal and I know well was the "rosebud" in Citizen Kane. If such rosebuds have any Muse at all, it is Erato.
Musick (dear soul!) has taken pity on my plight, and is here to help me deal with this noah's ark you have created. At last I have the solace of knowing that I can rely upon his deep concern and thoughtful counsel.
I shall need all the strength he can give me, for the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296 |
January 3rd
Dear Em,
Who's this Musick person? Is he cute? Cuter than I?
You wretched slime-breathed hussy! And after all the trouble I've gone to spending nearly every farthing in my Christmas savings account to elicit a few giggles from you!
As for the ten lewds a-leaping, make sure you avoid Roger and Randy. They are hornier than the he-dove.
You, my dear, have torn my heart in two, three times over, and I think I'll hire out a group that will certainly show you the direction my bits of heart are limping towards.
My armor is to become all embouchure, little Miss Dis.
Torn asunder, but still ready for the beating,
Edward
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636 |
Dear Sir,
It has come to our attention that you have recently employed nine maids and ten lords. Our records indicate that as an employer you have not submitted the proper documentation to this office. Please do so within the next ten business days.
Department of Labour
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296 |
January 3rd
Dear Sir:
Your records are incorrect. What do you have doing the count there at the Department of Labour? Musicians? Count again.
Yours truly,
Edward Beastly
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636 |
Dear Sir,
In rechecking our records, it has come to our attention that you have recently employed eight maids, nine ladies, and ten lords. Please submit your documentation of employment within the next ten days.
Department of Labour
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636 |
Dear Mr. Beastly,
This letter is to notify you that your cheque #3969, written December 31st of last year, was returned to us due to insufficient funds. Please pay the amount in question in cash or by certified check within the next ten days.
Richard Tulongue, Proprietor
Dick's Club for Gentlemen
Lapdancing our specialty.
Private parties by request.
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes!
And those pipers! When the December wind blew, I suffered the misfortune of learning the answer to the age-old question, "What do Scotsmen wear underneath their kilts?" Which was a good deal more than I wanted to know.
You were most unwise to switch from olefactory attack to auditory. For musick is now fully as offended as I, and we shall take steps!
The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.
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