#49679
12/10/2001 4:18 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
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A story, which I shall tell in 12 installments over the next 12 days:
Post post-edit edit: Accelerating, per Jackie's taste. Always honor the dear lady!
Post-edit: I see that Dub-Dub, who inevitably will race past my number of posts very soon, will not allow me to widen my current paper-thin margin! ROFL!
Dec 25 My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving
Emily
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#49680
12/11/2001 12:22 AM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
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Dec 25th
Dearest Emily,
So happy to hear you like the fowl and its be-peared perch. I forgot to buy the cuttlebone and seed. The partridge will not eat any of the pears, so I suggest you bustle on down to the pet store and pick up some provisions for it. It wouldn't be a bad idea to have its wings clipped. And remember to leave no open flames burning when the bird is cruising about.
My heart's light!
Edward
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#49681
12/11/2001 2:33 PM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
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You two, I hate to rain on your-all's parade, but it wouldn't surprise me if you get some flack for this thread, especially when someone has had to wait...and wait...and wait for the screen to open. I have heard from several people who start, then give up in frustration or for sheer lack of time, any more. Just my 2 cents'.
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#49682
12/11/2001 3:22 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Is that how you say it in Kaintuck, Jackie?
That notwithstanding, if this thread is going where I think it is it's absolutely hilarious.
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#49683
12/11/2001 5:29 PM
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
Carpal Tunnel
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I vote for this duet to continue.
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#49684
12/11/2001 10:33 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
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Dec 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily Dear Jackie:
harrumph! 
With undying love, as always,
Emily
btw: emily's letters are not new here for the first time; Edward's, insofar as I am aware, are.
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#49685
12/11/2001 10:43 PM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
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December 26th
Dearest Emily,
Please, darling, take the turtledoves out of the pear tree immediately! The she-dove is insanely jealous of the he-dove, and he is a rake! He will drive her mad cooing at the partridge. Sorry I forgot the turtledove cage. Be a love and return to the pet store for a cage. But no mirrors! The he-dove will flirt with his own image!
Oh, I am so merry that you are merry!
Your well-feathered love bird,
Edward
Oh, Emily, do tell...is this Jackie cute?
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#49686
12/12/2001 12:09 AM
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Posts: 2,605
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Dec 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted Emily
PS: VERY, the dear.
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#49687
12/12/2001 12:49 AM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
Carpal Tunnel
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December 27th
Dearest Emily,
Why do you think I included the little hammer and package of boards and nails? You'll have to go down to the feed and grain store for some grit for their sweet French gizzards.
Happy hammering, ma petite allouette!
Merrier,
Edward
Does this Jacqueline have, too, a penchant for poultry?
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#49688
12/12/2001 2:22 AM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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Does this Jacqueline have, too, a penchant for poultry?Okay, I'm fried! Yes, Faldage, if we are speaking of something that belongs to more than one person, we say your-all's. As in, "Your-all's house looks nice, this season". If their house is still plain, we say, "Are you-all putting up any decorations this year?" (not possessive, you see).
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#49689
12/12/2001 12:35 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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if we are speaking of something that belongs to more than one person, we say your-all's
The ASp and I were discussing this last night. I decided on Southern syntax coupled with Northern style; appropriate for the Southern, yet non-secessionist Kentucky.
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#49690
12/12/2001 11:25 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
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Dec 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly--they make telephoning almost impossible--but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily
I would imagine so, for she is so loving to everybody and everything. But you would not fowlly play with my affections, would you, you dear man?
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#49691
12/12/2001 11:47 PM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
Carpal Tunnel
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December 28th
Dearest,
Sorry the calling birds were sent to your address. Mistake there. I thought I'd sent them elsewhere. They do NOT like French hens, so please keep them apart. You were supposed to have received four cheddar cheeses to use with the French hen eggs. Have you banged up your fingers, by the way, constructing the hens' nests? Please be careful not to, for I have a lovely surprise tomorrow.
Ding dong merrily on high am I,
Edward
I wonder what sweet Jacqueline thought about receiving those cheddar cheeses? Oh, dear...
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#49692
12/13/2001 9:16 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
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Dec 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present!
Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means.
Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily
I offered dear sweet Jacquline some of our poultry (you really had gone a wee bit overboard, my darling) but to my great surprise, she politely declined.
But why would you be sending gifts to Jacqulyn?
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#49693
12/13/2001 9:43 PM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
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December 29th
Dearest Emily,
Oh, joyous season! I knew you would delight in the glitter of all that's gold, my esculent little aubergine! I, too, am a great fan of your mother's habitual witty entrechats that never fail to elicit the requisite belly laugh from me. Has your mum trimmed her moustache?
Sprout some millet seed for the calling birds, and they should calm down. Oh, and to insure your mother and your most delectable self of some degree of slumber, when you're at the pet store for the millet seed, look about for some cage and coop night covers.
Your devoted,
Edward
Sending fair Jacqueline gifts? Why 'twas but a lark, dearest! Besides, she is a cutie and I never noticed that your eyes have an ever-so-slightly greenish cast...
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#49694
12/13/2001 11:37 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
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Dec 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily
"aubergine"? Is that any way to speak of my figure? Truly, Edward, you are taking liberties.
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#49695
12/14/2001 12:20 AM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
Carpal Tunnel
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December 30th
Dearest Emily,
Not just an aubergine, my dear...an esculent one! I'm possessed of exquisite tastes! Now, you know you love the geese. 'Fess up, little bird, and make my heart gay again! I'm feathering your nest, little goose girl. Not too many ladies in our village can claim to have opened their door in the morning light to a gaggle of geese on their doorsteps! But you, sweet love, can.
I think you should purchase that jacuzi you've been talking about. Might come in handy tomorrow.
Cocksure and fancy free,
Your Edward
Happy the jealousy over Jacks is quiescent now. That was such a bother, though Jacks and I had a few laughs over it.
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#49696
12/14/2001 8:29 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
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Dec 31
Edward!
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily
And you and Jackie are now sharing giggles together?
oh, god! Now I see why Jackie declined my offer of poultry several days ago! She knew all along! What have you two been hatching??
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#49697
12/14/2001 9:50 PM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
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What have you two been hatching??
Edward, do you want to break the news?
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#49698
12/14/2001 11:45 PM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
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December 31st
Dearest JackieJaguar, I mean Emily!
Was it swans I sent to you? Oh, yes, that's right...swans. Things are ever so confusing these days with so much buying, filling out of delivery slips, meeting a certain jejune party for a tête à tête. My head's swirling, although my heart is fluttering over you, glorious you! Guano makes wonderful manure, so apply yourself vigorously and in the ebullience of the season, with your shovel and hoe, wrapped in red plaid ribbon. Quite a festive touch, don't you agree? And buy the jacuzi! The swans will love it. Just be careful about the temperature setting.
Still making my list and checking it twice,
Naughty Edward
No, Jacks. Not quite yet. I've got a load of beasts still to get out of my backyard!
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#49699
12/15/2001 12:11 AM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
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Good heavens, Edward--I must have hot coals on the brain: I first thought you had said you had a load of breasts to get out of your back yard. Now, where would I get an idea like that, hmm?
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#49700
12/15/2001 12:56 AM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
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Dear Jacks,
Actually, I do have quite a load of breasts to get out of the shed in my back yard, along with the load of beasts. Bloody bother, both batches of them, especially the wenches. Much more trouble than I'd imagined when I propositioned them with the invitation at the pub near the Famous Crooked Spire. And those men at the bar! They kept saying, "This Edward chap is looking for ten loins a-leaping!" What hubbub! Or, should I say, pubbub!
Tomorrow, Sweetie, after the post has been delivered?
Holly jolly,
Edward
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#49701
12/16/2001 1:30 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
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Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
And as your wordplay: I told you, "No more birds." Let me make my words totally unambiguous: NO MORE BEASTS, EITHER! I am up to my neck with your so-called "e-bulliance" and "guano": you have gone from chicken___t to bull___t. This is not the jolly sort of "hoe, hoe, hoe" you have delivered.
Emily (purple-face)
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#49702
12/16/2001 3:08 PM
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
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Gee, and I was just going to say that you should stage this like Love Letters, it'd make a cute seasonal piece. Hire insel to direct. if he likes the script, that is But then all these breasts crept into it somehow, and it took a turn into the blue zone, leave it to Jackie to throw a breast into it?? so now I'm not sure it will pass as family fare. Unless, of course, with some damage control, you turn the reference back toward braised breast of goose! Yum!
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#49703
12/16/2001 3:10 PM
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
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Gee, and I was just going to say that you should stage this like Love Letters, it'd make a cute seasonal piece. Hire insel to direct. if he likes the script, that is But then all these breasts crept into it somehow, and it took a turn into the blue zone, leave it to Jackie to throw a breast into it?? so now I'm not sure it will pass as family fare. Unless, of course, with some damage control, you turn the reference back toward braised breast of goose! Yum!
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#49704
12/16/2001 5:45 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,661
Carpal Tunnel
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Jan 2nd
Dear Occupant,
In pusuant to the city statute 4321-69b section l5 paragraph 2 - "The *peace shall be maintained without interruption.", I am posting this letter with hammer and nail on your door, and subsequent e-mails will follow.
I, sir/madam am an animal lover. However, you have crossed the line beyond which even I cannot stretch the law to encompass. Aside from the stench that is currently being emmited from your backyard and the unGodly hours in which you have been receiving people and packages (heck, even I enjoy a party now and then), the noise has become untenable. It was fine enough when the cooing began, but since has multiplied into quacking combined with something that has reminded me of a Messian composition as I heard it played recently by our local youth symphonie... and on top of all this, the incessant mooing and the early morning giggling of women have combined to make the one day of the year that I didn't have to work and arduous adventure at discerning what was commentary from the game I was attempting to enjoy on the tele.
Scince I have lost all my ability to sleep in my own bed, I'm spending the next week or so at my family home where the sound of my Aunt Matilda's voice will seem like the tones of Gregorian Chant compared to the racket coming from inside your walls.
I expect your issues to be resolved upon my return. If they are not, the proper authorities will be notified.
Sincerely,
Your half deaf neighbor to the west
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#49705
12/16/2001 7:43 PM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
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January 1st
Dearest Emily,
Whatever happened to that jolly girl I used to know with her delightful sense of whimsy? The maids (and I use that term loosely) are for hire just through the end of the week. The cows only require vetting, a speedy trip to the feed and grain store--my Uncle Thomas will happily supply the hay--and your gazebo by the croquet lawn would make a merry barn!
I think you're piffed because I cancelled out on our New Year's Eve plans. Admit it! I'm sure you spent a rollicking evening with your mother, moustache lady, who is such a giant of entertaining, sarcastic repartee.
Happy New Year! There are treats galore waiting for your further amusement.
Your udderly devoted,
Edward
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#49706
12/17/2001 12:59 AM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
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Jan 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. I tell you clearly, "no more birds; NO MORE BEASTS", so you slip into a linguistic quibble to send me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies -- and it is quite obvious that your eight "milkmaids" are [as you say] maids "for hire".
The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily
PS: and explain yourself: where were you on New Year's Eve? and how is it that as soon as you meet dear Jackie you suddenly become preoccupied with breasts and acquainted with "ladies" of dubious virtue?
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#49707
12/17/2001 1:23 AM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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January 2nd
Dearest (I suppose) Emily,
Do you have any idea how many pubs Jacks and I had to hit New Year's Eve to find those dancers? I had a roaring headache all day yesterday, and then up early today to gather those terpsichorean rosebuds from the night before. You sound strangely more like your mother every day. I even suspect it may be she who has been sending me these acid notes, so little of the Emily I fondly remember do I find here.
By the way, my mercurial little kumquat, I think you would be most particularly luscious joining the ladies in a bar or two, musical or spirited.
Hoping that you'll have a change of heart--really!
Edward
P.S. If you don't cut out this incessant carping, I shall seek auditory revenge of the most droning kind.
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#49708
12/17/2001 4:18 AM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
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dear Jackie you suddenly become preoccupied with breasts and acquainted with "ladies" of dubious virtue? Wha...? Why,...I resemble that remark! [flouncing out of the room e]
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#49709
12/17/2001 7:32 PM
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Posts: 2,605
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#49710
12/17/2001 7:32 PM
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Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Keiva here: Jacqueline, dahling, you resemble a picture of breasts and ladies of the evening? 
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#49711
12/18/2001 12:25 AM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
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If you say so, "dahling". [raised-eyebrow warning e]
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#49712
12/18/2001 1:03 AM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
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Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milk"maids".
Your headache is far to small a penalty for your night of carousing and debau-cheriee. The "terpsichorean rosebuds" ye gathered are not Robert Herrick's -- they are what Gore Vidal and I know well was the "rosebud" in Citizen Kane. If such rosebuds have any Muse at all, it is Erato.
Musick (dear soul!) has taken pity on my plight, and is here to help me deal with this noah's ark you have created. At last I have the solace of knowing that I can rely upon his deep concern and thoughtful counsel.
I shall need all the strength he can give me, for the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily
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#49713
12/18/2001 1:27 AM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
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January 3rd
Dear Em,
Who's this Musick person? Is he cute? Cuter than I?
You wretched slime-breathed hussy! And after all the trouble I've gone to spending nearly every farthing in my Christmas savings account to elicit a few giggles from you!
As for the ten lewds a-leaping, make sure you avoid Roger and Randy. They are hornier than the he-dove.
You, my dear, have torn my heart in two, three times over, and I think I'll hire out a group that will certainly show you the direction my bits of heart are limping towards.
My armor is to become all embouchure, little Miss Dis.
Torn asunder, but still ready for the beating,
Edward
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#49714
12/18/2001 8:29 AM
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
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Dear Sir,
It has come to our attention that you have recently employed nine maids and ten lords. Our records indicate that as an employer you have not submitted the proper documentation to this office. Please do so within the next ten business days.
Department of Labour
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#49715
12/18/2001 8:48 AM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
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January 3rd
Dear Sir:
Your records are incorrect. What do you have doing the count there at the Department of Labour? Musicians? Count again.
Yours truly,
Edward Beastly
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#49716
12/18/2001 5:47 PM
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
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Dear Sir,
In rechecking our records, it has come to our attention that you have recently employed eight maids, nine ladies, and ten lords. Please submit your documentation of employment within the next ten days.
Department of Labour
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#49717
12/18/2001 6:00 PM
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
Carpal Tunnel
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Dear Mr. Beastly,
This letter is to notify you that your cheque #3969, written December 31st of last year, was returned to us due to insufficient funds. Please pay the amount in question in cash or by certified check within the next ten days.
Richard Tulongue, Proprietor
Dick's Club for Gentlemen
Lapdancing our specialty.
Private parties by request.
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#49718
12/18/2001 6:10 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes!
And those pipers! When the December wind blew, I suffered the misfortune of learning the answer to the age-old question, "What do Scotsmen wear underneath their kilts?" Which was a good deal more than I wanted to know.
You were most unwise to switch from olefactory attack to auditory. For musick is now fully as offended as I, and we shall take steps!
The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.
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