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old hand
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OP
old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 866 |
This has probably done the email rounds by now, but for those that haven't seen it....1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
9. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
11. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
12. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
13. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
14. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
15. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
16. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
17. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
18. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
19. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
20. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered
the mail?
21. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
22. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Well, they appeal to me anyway!
stales
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why don't they speak Hollandaise?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
And why don't they weigh 2,000 (or 2,200) pounds? They're really crougrams.
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
And why does a phlebotomist suck blood instead of phlegm?
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400 |
RE:I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what
do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
in Japan, there are "training chopsticks" that are smaller than normal chopsticks, and slightly more tapered. but the tapered ends have a series of concentric rings, that form ridges. My neice, at eighteen months was adept at using them to pick up a single, glintening pickled fish egg.. the roe, not caviar, was about the size of a lentil.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
(in the spirit of stales'#15)
Helen, may we never be des-troyed.
(or, for that matter, Max'ed out.)
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 3,065
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 3,065 |
From my inbox today:
GUIDELINES FOR ENLIGHTENMENT
1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always comes before the Mental.
Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh
track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world
is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will
ensure regularhilarity.
2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for
entering - so you are already a winner!
3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is
where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we
don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the channel.
4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.
5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought
particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called
truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when you're
tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in our Absurdiveness Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.*
6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live
like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way,
there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of
us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces
will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.
7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if
you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a
fault, just don't dwell on it.
8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train
the world, and we'll never have to change it again.
9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news
and some good news. The bad news is: there is no key to the Universe. The
good news is: it has been left unlocked.
Bingley
Bingley
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803 |
Number 4
Repost #4 in Maximising Value so I can add it to the list.
Or better start a Maximising Value Redux thread as y'all flatliners are starting to complain about it's too long now.
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Joined: Aug 2001
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.
(again in the spirit of stales' #15)
and eventually the subject will be ex-posed.
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
BTW, faldage, when you referred to phographic negatives-vs-positives, were you cross-threading to your recent discussion of color-reversal?
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803 |
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Joined: Aug 2001
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
Hi, F!
In color photography, the negative's colors differ from the positive's; e.g., an area that is green in the negative will become red in the final print; and conversely, a red area will be output as green.
So too in Faldage, as I understand it, a yellow input (beer) is transmuted into a clear output; and conversely, a clear input yields a yellow output.
Now faldage, please don't be put out by my input!
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