|
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10,542
Carpal Tunnel
|
OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10,542 |
WARNING LABELS THAT ARE P. C. (PHYSICALLY CORRECT)
As safety experts and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend toward legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public, yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible professionals and science enthusiasts, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product in every category offered for sale. Our suggested list of required warnings appears below.
WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
WARNING: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle", it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling", this product may disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be held responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
NOTE: The most fundamental particles of this product are held together by a "Gluing" force, about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.
ATTENTION: despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.99999999% empty space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot be detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on the velocity relative to the user.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product cannot be guaranteed.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 771
old hand
|
old hand
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 771 |
Personal Computer in the world of Quordlepleen, Max, eh? This is hilarity on a screen, tsuwm ~ where ever did you find it? It's going out to all of my physics friends...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858
Carpal Tunnel
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858 |
Dear Faldage: I would be more excited if Acme Klein bottles were full of magnetic monopoles.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803 |
full of magnetic monopoles
Exactly, Dr. Bill.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
Carpal Tunnel
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10,542
Carpal Tunnel
|
OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10,542 |
fiberbabe rightfully asks where ever did you find it? it made the rounds via email some while ago and now seems to be widely duplicated on the 'net. credit *seems to belong to Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol. 36, No. 1
max, you too may suffer from OOS one day. Occupational Overuse Syndrome? Oxford Ornithological Society?? Out Of Service?!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379
Pooh-Bah
|
Pooh-Bah
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379 |
Whereas *TNT should be labeled, "WARNING: the mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 2.72 trillion tons of TNT per net ounce of weight."
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
Carpal Tunnel
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
"this ain't no fun, Gus"Max, you're a real fun guy.
|
|
|
Forums16
Topics13,913
Posts229,417
Members9,182
|
Most Online3,341 Dec 9th, 2011
|
|
1 members (wofahulicodoc),
574
guests, and
4
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|