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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Some old, some new, all borrowed, none blue:
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of
two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they
lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of
them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Amal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a
rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. We all know who Gandhi was, right? He was a spiritual man
who fasted regularly. Some may not realize that fasting,
when practiced regularly and for extended periods, leads
not only to weight loss, but can also cause bad breath. No matter, his interests were higher. This great leader
hardly ever wore shoes. One might say he was ... a
super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different
puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Carpal Tunnel
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Alternately, "Because the boss told me, 'You'll have to pull your own chess nuts out of the foyer.'"
"I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
old England epitaph:
Here lies Thomas North, of the parish of Southwell,
A carrier who carried his can to his mouth well.
He carried so much, and he carried so fast,
He could carry no more, and was carried at last.
For the liquor he drank, being too much for one,
He could not carry off, so he's now carrion.
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I'm not sure this really fits in, but it's kind of cute.
A koala goes into a restaurant and orders dinner. The waiter brings the food, the koala eats it, pulls out a gun and fires at the waiter then exits the restaurant.
Later, after being arrested, the police ask the koala why he did it. The koala simply handed the police a dictionary.
Under the word 'koala' it read 'eats shoots and leaves'.
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How many posts does it take to lose the 'stranger' stigma?
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enthusiast
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Pooh-Bah
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How do you graduate from “Stranger”?There are different titles given, based on the number of posts. Here are the titles: Stranger (0), Newbie (25), Journeyman (50), Member (100) Enthusiast (200), Addict (400), Old Hand (700), Veteran (1200), Pooh Bah (1600) You can find a whole heap o' board information at http://wordsmith.org/board/showflat.pl?Cat=&Board=announcements&Number=17018or Max Q's wonderful site, http://homepages.paradise.net.nz/maxq
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Carpal Tunnel
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Chemeng1992 asked: How many posts does it take to lose the 'stranger' stigma?
Hope you keep posting and graduate ASAP; I've loved your stuff to date. Besides, any Cubs fan (Faldage, take note) is no stranger as far as I'm concerned.
I'm pretty new too. Note to you seniors: stranger and newbie each felt like a "stigma" to me too. Not a good signal to send. Wouldn't you say there are no strangers and newbies here, but rather "visitors" and "apprentices"?
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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stranger and newbie each felt like a "stigma"Huh--just wait till you become an addict... 
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Pooh-Bah
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I'm not so sure about "old hand" myself.
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old hand
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How many posts does it take to lose the 'stranger' stigma?
I sympathize with your feeling stigmatized. Stranger than whom, or what? Being comparative, "stranger" is neither as clearly stated as the positive, "strange," nor as unique as the superlative "strangest," a position to which I have long aspired, but shall not likely reach.
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addict
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Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.How come the first boll weevil didn't go to Bollywood?
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Carpal Tunnel
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How come the first boll weevil didn't go to Bollywood?
Ha! 
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Carpal Tunnel
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didn't Shona make it in 5 minutes? 46-1/2 hours (ICLIU, somewhat harder since shona is a nickname for a screen name.)
I suppose one could try to take a positive view and say that the unwanted designation is an incentive for newcomers to post often, in order to reach 25 posts and become a newbie, a less dyslogistic term, and a brief stop before journeyman. ?
Yep -- that's exactly why I've been on line so much the last few days. A stigma motivates some folk and intimidates others. Is that a good trade-off? To quote a PM: "we're so used to people coming in here, asking some kind of question and we see them maybe once or twice more and they fade into the woodwork."
Given that the existing titles are irrevocably hard-wired into the software, what then?
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Carpal Tunnel
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Less money in Bollywood. And India doesn't cotton to anyforeign weevils.
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Here's a couple more conundrums from "Riddler 1829" from The Boys' Own Book since I doubt I'll be posting a third installment (the first two are available by searching this thread for those who missed it): If the letter D were never used more, why would it be like a dead man? Answer: It would be D-ceased (Deceased.)Why are the eye-brows like mistakes? Answer: They are over sights (oversights.)>poster designations< I just "graduated" from enthusiast, which I loved, to addict, which I'm not really comfortable with staring at next to my name...but it's just a spot of frivolous board-jargon and we move on. And, yes, stranger did feel like I was wearing The Scarlet Letter when I first arrived. But, actually I got some fun play out of the name, too. When I posted my first major thread, someone who I've become very friendly with here PM'd me that I certainly fit the designation of stranger!...which was well-taken and gave me a good laugh, and I sent them back and said so. 'Cause I had to admit, the Neanderthal thread saw some pretty strange posts!
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old hand
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Of course, if someone adopted the boardname of Camus, s/he might want to remain "stranger" forever...
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Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
i didn't see that one comming. funny!
i'm not too good at telling jokes, but here goes;
there's an old man who owned a ranch. on his death bed he brought his two sons together and told them that he was passing the ranch on to them. all they had to do was pick a new name for the ranch. after some consideration they decided to name it "Sun's Rays Meet"
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Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Oh, yes it did ... caught me -- good!
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Some might prefer "journeyperson" to "journeyman"! 
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Did you hear about the museum exhibit dedicated to John Wayne? One piece of art displayed was a pair of golden-brown tombstones. They were called...the amber graves of Wayne!
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enthusiast
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Some might prefer "journeyperson" to "journeyman"!
Those people are incredibly annoying, and should be jailed.
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Yep.
If we changed that word, we would also have to have "personhole cover" and so forth.
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those that await us beyond Pooh-Bahdom are even worse.....
Is there a Pooh-top? My 3 year old loves Winnie the Pooh. I'll ask her.
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The medical community reports that cheerful people are less prone to illness than are gloomy folk. In other words, the surly bird catches the germ.
One disease, however, is an exception: people subject to appundicitis are always cheerful.
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old hand
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"personhole cover"
Isn't that called a g-string?
As for the old cowboy actor, they filmed his death, just so people could watch John wane.
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people who don't recycle should be executed?
No. I reserve execution for the crimes that already use it. These two crimes merely get you a jail sentence.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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the surly bird catches the germ.
One disease, however, is an exception: people subject to appundicitis are always cheerful.Gets my vote for a TEd-dy award!
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"gets my vote for a TEd-dy award!"
Thanks you, dear lady, but I must decline, for mine wasn't original. Besides, the clear leader at this point is your own "only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
Edit, as to "friars" True story: When a third-grade class was reading Robin Hood, a boy asked, "How can they boil Tuck in oil?" The teacher asked him, "What's wrong with that?" and the boy replied, "You can't boil Tuck. He's not a boiler; he's a Friar."
The next day the boy saw his teacher, in the hall, repeating his joke to her co-workers. "This is power!, he thought, and decided then and there to be a comedian when he grew up.
He's now grown up, and tells this story on himself. His name is Jay Leno.
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Cool, Sweetie--thanks for sharing that. Gee, reading your great posts is becoming a hapbit with me. swma
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And since we mention carrion - here's a dreadful couple of puns about carrilon
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!"
"No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down the Cathedral steps and outside. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked; "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot!
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to the bishop's side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "But he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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A pun like that must not go unanswered.
One day a man walked into a restaurant and ordered the Eggs Benedict. He was surprised, however, to see it brought to him not on a plate, but on a hubcap. When he quesioned the waiter, the waiter began to sing, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollondaise!"
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Hey, everybody, lookit me! I'm a member!!
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