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These are almost too sad to be funny...but hey are! Here's a couple samples:

Personal Encounters

Grady's grandfather was sitting in the
outhouse doing his business one day.
The family mule was scratching his rear
on the outhouse wall. Thinking to amuse
himself, Grandpa pulled a long splinter
from the wall and stuck it in the mule's
ass." Instead of bucking around the yard
as expected, the mule kicked back with
extreme force, collapsing the outhouse.
Gramps had to be pulled from the family
history using a rope."

"My dad says he was driving along the
road a while back, and he saw a
no-armed farmer kicking hay into a
baling machine. No need to wonder
where he lost his limbs..." -drebrooks.

Mad Trombonist

1998 Urban Legend

(August 1998, Uruguay) In a misplaced moment of inspiration, Paolo
Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Symphonica Maya de Uruguay,
decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired during
a performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor
children's concert.

In complete disregard of common sense, he dropped a large lit
firecracker, equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into
his aluminum straight mute, and then stuck the mute into the bell of
his new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through a mask
of bandages, "I thought the bell of my trombone would shield me from
the explosion and focus the energy of the blast outwards and away
from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra like a rocket."

However Paolo was not to speed on his propulsion physics, nor was
he qualified to wield high-powered artillery. Despite his haste to raise
the horn before the firecracker exploded, he failed to lift the bell of the
horn high enough for the airborne mute's arc to clear the orchestra.
What happened should serve as a lesson to us all during our own
delirious moments of divine inspiration.

First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the
blast propelled the mute between rows of musicians in the woodwind
and viola section, where it bypassed the players and rammed straight
into the stomach of the conductor, driving him backwards off the
podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience was sitting in folding chairs and thus they
protected from serious injury. The chairs collapsed under the first
row, and passed the energy from the impact of the flying conductor
backwards into the people sitting behind them, who in turn were
driven back into the people in the third row and so on, like a row of
dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of
people falling on their behinds increased geometrically, adding to the
overall commotion of cannons and brass playing the closing
measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, unplanned audience choreography notwithstanding, Paolo
Esperanza's Waterloo was still unfolding back on stage. According to
Paolo, "As I heard the sound of the firecracker blast, time seemed to
stand still. Right before I lost consciousness, I heard an Austrian
accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekval unt opposeet
reakshon!" This comes as no surprise, for Paolo was about to
become a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.

Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he paved the way
for the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas
backwards through the mouthpiece, which slammed into his face like
the hand of fate, burning his lips and face and knocking him mercifully
unconscious.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so
great it split the bell of his shiny new Yamaha trombone right down
the middle, turning it inside out while propelling Paolo backwards off
the riser. For the grand finale, as Paolo fell to the ground, his limp
hands lost their grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the
pressure of the hot gases to propel the slide like a golden spear into
the head of the third clarinetist, knocking him senseless.

The moral of the story? The next time a trombonist hollers "Watch
this!" you'd better duck!

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