As I have travelled around the US, I've seen a lot of reasonably clever bumper stickers. I wondered if y'all would like to share your favourites here. To start the ball rolling, one that nearly had me driving off the road with laughter ...
Thus is revealed the Calvinist influence in the US.
A favorite of mine is a spoof of the one saying, "Visualize World Peace." The funnny one says "Visualize Whirled Peas." I personally would prefer "Visualize Invisibility," or "Visualize Squirrel Fleas," or even "Visualize Traffic Signals - since that's the only way you'll ever see them, it seems."
The craze for bumper stickers seems to have passed in UK, but it was "all the rage" a few years ago, with all the usual ones: "My other car is a Porsche" (which was really funny when I saw this on a Porsche!); "If you can read this you're too ******* close!"; a pair of stickers either side of the bumper labelled "Overtaking Side" and "Suicide"; "Don't laugh at this sticker - it may be your wife inside!" and similar. All of the really good ones were topical, and would not be funny now, I guess, even if my grey cells were up to such a memory feat.
Like MumbleSquad I haven't seen any good ones lately on cars, but this being a seaside town, I have the opportunity to scan them on the racks next to the kiss-me-quick hats. When I find a good one, I add it to my list of one-liners. Luckily, we seem to have grown out of the "windsurfers do it standing up" genre, they tend to be wife/girl/boy/in-law or motoring related these days. I think I saw these as bumper stickers but I can't be sure. Many of them are recycled quips and quotes anyway.
"My other car is a Porsche" (which was really funny when I saw this on a Porsche!)
years ago (before any of our tax deductions were born and we had to start driving suburbans) we bought a Porsche C2, and thought we'd be clever by adding the license plate frame that's commonly found on rolling wrecks, which reads "Don't Laugh; It's Paid For"
as for bumper stcikers, around here the fad is to boast a sticker that reads "My Kid is an Honors Student at [insert name here] Elementary School". i almost crashed laughing when i first saw the retort on an old chevy: "My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student"
only peripherally related, but these somehow reminded me of an email that circulated a couple of years ago, which included (among others) the following Things Not To Say To a Policeman When You've Been Pulled Over:
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
4. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
5. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
6. Do *you* know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
7. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
8. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Bumper stickers are often naughty. There was one six or eight years ago showing a pair of ducks apparently copulating in flight with large letter caption "Fly United".
I can't remember where I saw this, but I do know it wasn't tobacco country. Scene: two cowboys on horseback, riding off into the sunset. Caption: "I miss my lung, Bob".
A license plate in my home town read "EX WIFE". When first seen it was on a beat-up old wagon, but a year later that plate had been moved onto a Mercedes.
caradea, I'm afraid to ask about my reputation. We didn't go to college together, did we???????????? =)
Sparteye, as for UB Brand, as much as I would like to wipe excrement all over the twirp, I'm not sure that allowing him anywhere close to me would be worth it. He has to be just wormy!
The rookie was patrolling one day when he saw a Porsche going the other way, doing as Porsches are wont to do, about twice the speed limit. The cop did a u-turn and after catching the Porsche some miles down the road asked to see the male driver's operator's permit.
"Well, officer," replied the guy sheepishly, "I sort of don't have one."
The cop frowned, "Don't have one at all, or don't have it with you?"
"I guess I never bothered to get one."
"OK, let's see your vehicle registration."
The driver replied apologetically, "Actually, I don't have one. You see, this isn't really my car."
"OK, whose car is it?"
"Not sure. It was sitting there with the keys in it, just begging to be driven."
"OK," said the officer, "why don't we start by looking in the glove box and finding out who the owner is."
The guy shook his head. "Officer, you probably don't want to do that. There's a pistol in there."
The cop undid the flap on his Glock. "A gun? Is it yours?"
"Of course, officer, I didn't want it rattling around inside the car at the speeds I was doing."
"OK, hand me the keys, stay in the car, I'm calling for backup."
The shift sergeant arrived and walked up to the Porsche. "Gimme your driver's license."
The man complied.
"Now show me your registration."
The man again complied.
"This your car?"
"Of course, officer, look at the license and registration. They've both got the same name on them."
The sergeant was baffled. "Now just open the glove compartment real slow-like, OK?"
The man complied, revealing that it contained absolutely nothing.
"Now what is going on here?" asked the sergeant. "That cop over there told me you didn't have a license; you stole the car, and you had a gun."
"Oh, right," said the fellow, "and I suppose he told you I was speeding too!"
Dear TEd: That's a good joke about the rookie cop. But the speeder's clever plan falls apart with one question from the sergeant. "Did the officer ask to see your license?" If the speeder says "No", the sergeant knows he is lying. If he says "Yes" the sergeant again knows he is lying.
One speeder, upon being stopped by a cop, explained that he was "only trying to keep up with the other cars." When the officer pointed out that the road was empty, the man replied, "Yes, that's how far ahead of me they are!"
Or there is the cop who sat behind bushes all day waiting for someone to speed by. He finally caught a young man going exceptionally fast. He said to him, "Son, I've been waiting for you to come by all day!" To which the young man replied, "Well Officer, I got here as fast as I could!"
Back to bumper stickers, I like "WWSD -What would Scooby Doo!"
Welcome aBoard, MaryP ! You're the second, maybe third chemist here that I know of (I'm not sure if Chemeng is one or not--welcome to you, too, though, Dear, by the way!).
TED! Oh, how lovely to see posts from you again! Mmm, I love you, Sweetie!
>I have just the brand name for that toilet paper:
Some years ago a friend of mine took a summer job as a clerk in a trading post on the Navajo Reservation. Soon after he began to work there an Indian man came in looking for toilet paper. Joe told him he had two types, Charmin and generic. The Indian asked what generic was.
"Well," replied Joe, "it's pretty much the same as the other stuff but it hasn't got fancy wrapping and you don't have to pay for any advertising, so it's a good deal cheaper than the Charmin." The Indian bought two rolls, but was back the next day.
"Something wrong?" asked Joe.
"You should call that stuff John Wayne toilet paper. It's rough and it's tough, and it don't take shit off of no Indians."
I saw a bumper sticker yesterday...it was a picture of a Rebel flag with the verbage "If you don't like my flag you can kiss my rebel ass." Southern rednecks are so eloquent, aren't they?
I've been meaning to get up to the boardwalk here (Wildwood, NJ) and copy down some of the neat bumper stickers the shops have since this thread first appeared...finally made it, so here they are...and I got yelled at by the shop clerk for copying them down, guess he thought I was opening a store on the next block or somethin', so enjoy them! (CAUTION: Rated "R"!):
I'm Hung Like Einstein & Smart as a Horse
COPS: Just say "NO" to Donuts
Driver Carries No Cash HE'S MARRIED
Women come & go, But... You can rely on a truck.
Road Rage Next 10 Miles
Clear the Road I'm Sixteen
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Unless you're a hemorrhoid stay off my ass!
I Wonder if You'd Drive Any better if that CAR PHONE was up your BUTT!
EARTH FIRST: We'll Screw Up the Other Planets Later
You're Kid's an Honor Student, But You're A Moron
MEN ARE NOT PIGS Pigs Are Gentle, Sensitive, and Intelligent Animals
Grow Your Own Dope PLANT A MAN
Don't Come a-Knockin' If This vehicle's a-Rockin'
For a Small Town This One Sure Has A Lot of Assholes
Answer My Prayers Steal This Car
I Think I'm the Only Woman in America Who Didn't Sleep With the President
Gore is an ORGASM away from the PRESIDENCY
What Part of "Get Off My Ass!" Don't You Understand?
I'm Absotively, Posilutely SOBER
Don't Plant Another Bush in the White House
Single Women Can't Fart They Don't Have an Asshole Until they're Married
Ever stop to think... And forget to start again?
www.OFFMYASS.com
Horn Broken Watch For Finger
WANTED Meaningful Overnight Relationship
I hate BUMPER STICKERS
All actually for sale on the Wildwood, New Jersey, boardwalk, folks!
Well, some of these are some pretty clear expressions of opinions, all right. Can't see myself displaying one to the world, though some did give me a private chuckle.
Not a bumper sticker-- a note pad I buy things I don't need, with money I don't have, to impress people I don't like.. Doesn't everybody? it is one of my daughters...
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