#2053
07/22/2000 11:28 AM
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Oh, TEd!
What a hoot! Thank you!
I do hope people will keep adding to this thread--I love to read these things!
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Carpal Tunnel
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TEd, a question from Jackie  : can we call you 'Ted' (or, as is my wont, 'ted'), or is there some significance to these CAPS that we should adhere to? -tsuwm
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#2055
07/24/2000 12:09 PM
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Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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The TEd was a typo when I was registering. You can call me Ted, now short for Theodore. I had to change my name to that as an adult. I was originally yclept Theophilus. The family story is that my father took one look at me when I was born and said, That's the awfulest looking kid I ever saw."
TEd
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enthusiast
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enthusiast
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ted (may i call you "ted"?)
that is a brilliant story.
isn't there a grand theophilus in the bible somewhere?
keep the jokes coming everyone!
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#2058
08/05/2000 11:28 AM
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Posts: 6,511
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Someone who reads this forum but hasn't registered to post sent me this brilliant contribution, by Harold C. Schonberg:
Rickety Rackety
Boulez and Stockhausen
Serial exponents
Know all the tricks;
Opium tone-rows they
Inhale with joyousness
Dodecaphonically
Getting their kicks.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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The Gospel of Luke and the Book of Acts are both addressed to someone called Theophilus, although it's not known whether Theophilus is supposed to be the name of a real person, or whether it's a generic name meaning "lover of God", which is the meaning of the Greek elements of the name.
Bingley
Bingley
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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OK, here's a tidbit: Mozart's middle name was originally Gottlieb. He changed it first to Theophilus, then to Amadeus, which stuck.
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enthusiast
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enthusiast
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bit of a ***t if you're called theophilus and you don't.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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I once met a lady whose married name was Liebegott. I never asked her if she did.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Had to dredge this old thread up when I saw it mentioned to offer this tidbit: We had in our region, until he passed recently, an eccentric monied man who proclaimed himself a poet and wrote below the 4th grade level (honestly!...my 9 year old niece was writing more sophisticated work than this guy!). AND he had the audacity to buy ad space in the local trade papers to publish his work on a weekly basis...he shall remain unnamed. But, here, courtesy of this quirky quack, is what I believe to be the all-time worse opening line (or close to it) in the history of English poetry...from a poem of his about a certain type of sailing vessel. Ready? Here it is: Dread not dreadnought How's that for poetic barf, folks?...and he misspelled the former suffix as " -naught" as well!  
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Carpal Tunnel
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It's a shame we don't have any full examples of Vogon poetry ...
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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#2065
05/27/2001 11:00 AM
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Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 444
addict
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addict
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'Is a caterpillar ticklish? It's long been my belief That he giggles as he wriggles Across a hairy leaf.' I would like to see this animated for a children's show.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Vogon, Capital Kiwi?...what, or who, is that? 
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Carpal Tunnel
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Vogon, Capital Kiwi?...what, or who, is that?
A cue I am incapable of resisiting. From The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the Universe.
The second worst is that of the Azagoths of Kria. During a
recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his
poem "Ode To A Small Lump of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One
Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal
haemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts
Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off.
Grunthos is reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's
reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his twelve-
book epic entitled My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles when his own
major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and
civilization, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled
his brain.
The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator
Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England in
the destruction of the planet Earth.
The prisoners sat in Poetry Appreciation Chairs --strapped in.
Vogons suffered no illusions as to the regard their works were
generally held in. Their early attempts at composition had been
part of bludgeoning insistence that they be accepted as a
properly evolved and cultured race, but now the only thing that
kept them going was sheer bloodymindedness.
The Vogon began to read - a fetid little passage of his own
devising.
"Oh frettled gruntbuggly ..." he began. Spasms wracked Ford's
body - this was worse than ever he'd been prepared for.
"... thy micturations are to me | As plurdled gabbleblotchits on
a lurgid bee."
"Groop I implore thee," continued the merciless Vogon, "my
foonting turlingdromes."
His voice was rising to a horrible pitch of impassioned
stridency. "And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly
bindlewurdles,| Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my
blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!"
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The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England in the destruction of the planet Earth.
a cue I am *even more* incapable of resisiting.
A Lovely Swan Poem
The dead swans lay in the stagnant pool
They lay, they rotted, they turned around occasionally
Bits of flesh dropped off them from time to time
and sank into the pool's mire
they also smelt a great deal
-- Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings
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#2069
05/27/2001 10:12 PM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
Carpal Tunnel
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Thanks, tsuwm, where did you find that? I saw that poem on the TV series, but it's not in the books, or in the audio recordings I have, and I don't have the radio scripts, unfortunately. It is also interesting that he changed the name and sex of the poet. In the radio series, the poet is Paul Neil, not Paula Nancy. I read somewhere that the change was made for legal reasons, which I found amusing.
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#2070
05/28/2001 12:18 AM
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Yes, but tsuwm, you left out the really interesting bit:
This poem has a long and fabulous history. Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, in its original radioplay version, contained the sentence, "The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator Paul Neil Milne Johnstone of Redbridge, Essex, England in the destruction of the planet Earth." Mr. Johnstone was and is a very real and (we're told) very awful poet, and the powers that be wished that Mr. Adams decline to include his disparaging reference to same in future incarnations of HHGG. Hence, the invention of Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings. Still, the poem featured above did not appear in any of the HHGG books. No, Ms. Jennings' poetry is one of those special treats reserved for those few brave souls who obsessively watch the BBC's televisionization of HGG over and over to notice the "good bits" some clever bastard snuck into the background.
I read Johnstone's poem and wished that I'd either been tied down first, or that I could listen to Vogon poetry instead. It has such a light touch and a lilting way with words by comparison. Johnstone's poem falls into the same category (only slightly less euphonious) than the:
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Dead cats stink, and so do you.
of my childhood name-calling days.
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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Mr Adams might have been unduly harsh to the Vogons, for apparently he never read any Julia Moore. Ms Moore lived in Grand Rapids, Michigan, from 1847 to 1920, and she spent a good part of her time crafting maudlin poetry. There is now an annual bad poetry contest in her name. Here is a sample: THE ORPHAN'S FRIEND Come all kind, good people, With sympathizing hearts, Come listen to a few kind words A friend to you imparts. Be kind to an orphan child, And always be its friend, You will be happy in this world, And will be to the end. Be kind to the motherless, Little motherless ones, For God will forever bless You in this world to come. No kind and loving mother To soothe their little brow, Be kind to them always, friends, They have no mother now. Be kind to the fatherless, Wherever you may find One little one that is friendless, I pray you all be kind. For it has no loving father, To speak with mild reproof, Or guide its youthful footsteps In honesty and truth. Be kind to the little orphans, They have no parents dear; Be kind to the little orphans, Speak to them words of cheer, Then they will always love you For kind and gentle words, Then God will ever bless you, For He says so in His word. For more (!), go to http://www.wmich.edu/english/txt/Moore/
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#2073
05/28/2001 11:11 PM
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Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Aaaaaargh! No more! What excruciating pain! I promise faithfully to tell you all about NZ's defence policy (there is none) and trade strategy (20 years behind the times), if only you'll stop! Is there no death penalty in Michigan? Are there no laws outlawing bad poesy in the first degree? Why didn't someone just take her pen away? Oh, that's right, there are no effective laws against carrying lethal weapons in the States, are there. Damn, there OUGHT to be. [heavy relief breathing -e] Did she, by any chance, write most of the hymns sung in churches throughout the world under various pen names? I've got a contract out on them, too ...
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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old hand
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old hand
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Observations Regarding Potentially Maladaptive Behavior in Rana Pipiens, with Possible Impli- cations for Other Species I went to the pond, (the hour was late) And witnessed a bullfrog (he was wooing his mate.) There he was on her back, (they were swimming around) She, beast of burden, sought more solid ground. He filled the bag on his throat, (then he let out a croak) Wrapped his forelegs around her (I thought she might choke!) With him on her back, and her on the bottom, Too burdened was she, and a blue heron got 'em. So a warning to bullfrogs, (lest you act antithetical) Be kind to your mate when you act ([parent]hetical) There - that's the worst I can come up with without help. 
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#2075
05/29/2001 12:18 PM
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Posts: 1,773
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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Is there no death penalty in Michigan?
No. Which explains a lot.
And Geoff, I confess that I like your bullfrog poem. You'll have to do much worse than that.
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#2076
05/29/2001 12:53 PM
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Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
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Geoff, I confess that I like your bullfrog poem. You'll have to do much worse than that.
Oh, NOOOOO! You mean, I'm,....I'm merely insipid, and not maudlin? Aaaarrrgghhhhh!
Well, in recompense, here's a "good" bad one from Ogden Nash: (Wasn't an Ogden Nash an old car bought in Utah?)
Of all the fishes in the seas
The funniest is the bass.
He climbs up on tall seaweed trees,
And slides down on his
Hands and knees.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Okay--Geoff, I bet you can't come up with one THIS bad!
Geoff as a young man, for gain
Gave up flying, and he did deign
To start a rock band,
And with no name to hand,
They were known as Geoffers'own Airplane.
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#2078
05/30/2001 10:53 AM
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journeyman
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journeyman
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Bear in There
There's a Polar Bear
In our Frigidaire--
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
He's munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there--
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.
-Shel Silverstein
One of my favorite silly poets!
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#2079
05/30/2001 10:56 AM
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old hand
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old hand
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Yes, squid, I love Shel Silverstein. We had to do a poetry project in grade 7, basically collecing poems that we liked, and I did all silly poems and limericks, and there was at least one Shel Silverstein book which figured prominently as a source. And actually, my favourite story book is probably The Giving Tree, which is very un-silly but a great book.
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#2080
05/30/2001 12:33 PM
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Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
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And actually, my favourite story book is probably The Giving Tree, which is very un-silly but a great book.And what about The Missing Piece? Another good one! I can see, Bean, that you've got "a light in (your) attic," and, being a bit adventurous, you must like to stroll "where the sidewalk ends!"
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newbie
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newbie
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Back to last words again,there once was a military man(im not sure of the name or rank)who spoke his last words in a battle when the enemy was continually missing his troops:
"They couldn't shoot an elephant from this dist-"
Member
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enthusiast
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In 1864, Gen. Sedgwick, USA's famous last words were "Those boys can't hit an elephant from this distance." More about Sedgwick from http://members.esslink.com/~channy/sedgwick.html: "General John Sedgewick (son of General John Sedgewick I, who fought with distinction in the War of the Revolution) was one of the top commanders of the Union Army during the Civil War and according to many of his admirers should have been named Commander-in-Chief. A graduate of West Point, a veteran of Indian Wars in the West and campaigns in Mexico, General Sedgewick performed heroic services at Bull Run, Antietam, and Gettysburg, but his troops, unfortunately, took extremely heavy losses. At Antietam, the General himself had two horses shot out from under him and was carried unconscious from the field of battle with three grievous wounds from which he was long in recovering. In the disasterous Chancellorsville Campaign he managed to save most of his troops, whom he led later in forced march to Gettysburg, where his timely arrival and brilliant strategy turned the tide of the Battle. At Spottsylvania, where he was boldly exposing himself to snipers while directing the artillery fire, reassuring the men that confederate sharpshooters could not hit an elephant at that distance, he was shot dead on the spot."
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member
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Food for thought...
Shake and shake
the ketchup bottle;
None'll come and
then a lot'll!
Celery raw develops the jaw,
But celery stewed is more quietly chewed.
These may be by Shel Silverstein - anyone know?
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#2084
08/10/2001 10:46 AM
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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I heard a variation of the ketchup tag that went 'first you'll get a little, and then you'll get a lottle!'
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#2085
08/10/2001 10:13 PM
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Posts: 14
stranger
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stranger
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Bugger - I was going to add this one - it's always been my favourite (although two people knowing it means it MUST be true!)
Very similar is my favourite graffiti ever, which was allegedly written diagonally down a restaurant toilet wall...
Don't eat the fish.
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#2086
08/10/2001 11:44 PM
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Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Celery raw
Develops the jaw,
But celery stewed
Is more quietly chewed.
These may be by Shel Silverstein - anyone know?
It's Ogden Nash. (Your other poem may be too; I'm not sure.)
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#2087
08/14/2001 11:55 PM
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Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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one of the questions which never fails to annoy me is of the sort, "Is there any word that rhymes with silver?"; thus I was overjoyed when I discovered this:(poem follows)
Another word hard-to-rhyme is "limerick":
A magician might search with his glimmer stick,
And not find find me a lad with his primer quick,
Who when pressed could supply
Any better than I
An acceptable rhyme scheme for limerick.
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#2088
08/25/2001 11:11 PM
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Posts: 29
newbie
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newbie
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Killer Wallpaper? Seem to recall Napoleon succumbed to it. Apparently from the arsenic in the paste -- don't know if he actually ate the stuff.
Carpe whatever
Carpe whatever
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Carpal Tunnel
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I have no idea of the meaning of this but my Granfather (born in Leeds England, came to US as a teen) sang it on occasion :
Oh, me father had a rabbit
He thought it was a buck
Went down cellar with his tail caught up.
Oh, sugar in a basin and butter in a cup,
Call me over when your rhubarb's up!
Can anyone tell me whathtehell it means?
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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I've been thinking of posting this as a new thread, but since Worse Verse came up again I might as well put it here. At an antique show recently I purchased a poetry anthology from 1960: Poetry for Pleasure, The Hallmark Book of Poetry (a commendable collection of good and hard-to-find work, don't let the "Hallmark" throw you). But in the section entitled, The Humor Sampler, Poets at Play I was aghast to find this little specimen by none other than A. E. Housman, of all people! I'm no PC Prude, but this just goes to show you how times have changed:
WHEN ADAM DAY BY DAY
by A. E. Houseman
When Adan day by day
Woke up in Paradise,
He always used to say
"Oh, this is very nice."
But Eve from scenes of bliss
Transported him for life.
The more I think of this
The more I beat my wife.
(my note: Ouch!...can you say that?)
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Carpal Tunnel
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whathtehell it means?yeahbut. d'you really wanna know?!
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Carpal Tunnel
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he more I think of this
The more I beat my wife.
(my note: Ouch!...can you say that?)
Sure, you can say it. But it might really cost you if you try it.
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