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Carpal Tunnel
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OP
Carpal Tunnel
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What words describe your job?
I post this with encoragement from The Lovely Lady From Kentucky
LET'S WORK IT OUT
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I it didn't last, I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I stayed at my last job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
So I retired, and found I'm a perfect fit for the job!
(Running off stage to avoid thrown rotten tomatoes emoticon)
wow
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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i tried to be a developer (of computer software) but couldn't get with the program.
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member
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Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
______________________________________________
I'm afraid I need a translation here.... Is a 'muffler' what we (Brits) would call a 'silencer'?
I thought the other ones were great - it was just that line I couldn't quite make sense of!
I guess I would have to go for: I used to work in publishing, but kept having trouble with the fine print.
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Carpal Tunnel
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OP
Carpal Tunnel
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Is a 'muffler' what we (Brits) would call a 'silencer'?
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Language can be frustrating, can't it?
The "muffler" is the big fat thingie with the long pipe that exhausts gas from the engine ... most mechanics -- more properly I think -- call it an "exhaust system" since its made up of the two parts and hence the punability.
wow
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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I'm afraid I need a translation here.... Is a 'muffler' what we (Brits) would call a 'silencer'?
Aha! Here is another one of those rare instances where NZ usage follows the US pattern rather than that of the UK. We call them mufflers here too. Silencers are something we only see or read about in murder mysteries. 
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Carpal Tunnel
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When I was young, I wanted to be a parachutist , but I fell flat at it.
Then I dreamed of olympic skiing– but my chances of success went down hill.
My first real job was an elevator operator.. But it was all up and down, and I wanted a steady career.
Someone suggested I try the civil service. First I tried out as a subway conductor, but the job was too deep for me.
So I switched to the Internal Revenue, but the work was much too taxing.
I was close to be vested in the pension system, so I switched to working at the CDC, but I was ill equipped for the work.
But now I am all fired up with my new job at AFT, I really am smoking!
Internal Revenue–inland revenue
CDC = Center for Disease Control
AFT =US gov't agency–Alcohol, Firearms and Tobacco
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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"silencer" Since the device cannot produce silence, it seems to be one of the few instances where the Brit term is less precise than the US term.
And how can I be re-tired, since I have no wheels?
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journeyman
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journeyman
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I thought I could be a success as an artist, but it just left my bank account overdrawn.
I wanted to be a web designer, but I just got stuck when I tried to learn code.
My friend said I could get a job at the Department of Wildlife and Fisheries, but that was just a wild goose chase.
Ali
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Carpal Tunnel
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Like Fibrebabe, I love crafts, but none have worked out for me.
I tried to do macrame, but my stomach knotted with the effort.
Knitting was fun, but my efforts where funny, they left every one in stitches.
Cross stitch left me irritable.
Crewel work was unusual punishment.
Needlepoint was, all to often too pettie.
I wasn't fitted for dress or costume making.
The idea of patchwork quiting cut me up, but i could get no peace when i tried to do it.
I batted down to work, but it just wasn't to bee.
But for a while I was hooked on Crochet.
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Carpal Tunnel
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I tried to work in dog maintenance but I was just too pooped.
I got fired from the circus because I wouldn’t stop clowning around.
My job in garbage collecting stunk and the pay was really rubbish
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old hand
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old hand
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I used to play the violin, but there were too many strings attached.
I had a position as a flutist, but I blew it.
I tried my hand at the battery, but it was no hit.
I found a place as an organist, but didn't know how to pull all the stops...
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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I tried being a hair stylist, but got all tangled up. So I tried to simplify and be a barber, but I couldn't cut it. I almost lost my barber's license due to incompetence -- that was a close shave!
I trained to be a caligrapher, but I couldn't mind my Ps and Qs.
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old hand
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old hand
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I found a place as an organist, but didn't know how to pull all the stops...Then you're like J.S. Bach. He had eighteen progeny because he couldn't find his organ stops. 
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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he couldn't find his organ stops
... and he was fond of a good fugue!
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Carpal Tunnel
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With 18 kids I hope he toccata good insurance policy.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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good insurance policy
No, he got no further than a cover note: he could never get them to underwrite it once they knew the score.
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Carpal Tunnel
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toccata good insurance policy.You scored with that one, Sweet Bill! 
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veteran
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veteran
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J.S. Bach
Moreover, he wore out two organs!
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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So, that was his secret! Didelphic penises?With four family jewels?
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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Didelphic penises? With four family jewels?
Talk about your two-timer! Or is that 4/4?
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Anonymous
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Anonymous
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"Talk about your two-timer! Or is that 4/4?"
yes... and played very, very softly... as in pianissimo...
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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>>>>Didelphic penises?
(Since this thread is in the gutter any way-)
or maybe he was like a possum-- 1 penis that looks like 2? Split down the middle!
(how come i remember things like this, and forget important things?)
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Carpal Tunnel
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I'm just glad he remained well-tempered after writing all those Gross Concerts.
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Anonymous
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Anonymous
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that's a trivial pursuit question, you know.... one which of course provided much delight for my friends and me, since we were relatively young at the time it came out:
"What has a man that suffers from diphallic terata?"
(this is the part where you punsters reply "A good chance at scoring a date with siamese twins")
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addict
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addict
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When I was younger I wanted to be an aeroplane pilot, but I couldn't keep up. Then I went for a job as a chauffeur, but it drove me nuts. Eventually I tried to be a seamstress, but I wasn't cut for it.
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old hand
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old hand
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While we are at it.. the story may be old enough to be unknown:
On the stairs, Mrs. Smith proudly announces to her neighbor Mrs. Arkwright: "My husband has an electric organ!"
Upon which the neighbor wonders: "Ah.. does it light up at night?"
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Carpal Tunnel
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At least the neighbor did not ask where he plugged it in.
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veteran
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veteran
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Seriously, I'm delighted the thread took this little detour onto old JS. His birthday is this month, so here's a tribute to him. He was not always the sober, religious Lutheran director musices that he appears to be, although his sons used to refer to him as "the old wig". He actually was fond of a good rollicking party, which was always held whenever he got together with his very extensive family of cousins and in-laws, besides all those kids. Actually, due to the usual rate of infant mortality in those days, quite a few died as children, so there were not always a platoon running around the house. His first wife, Barbara, died after giving birth to the first 6; the second, Anna Magdalena, was made of sterner stuff and bore 13, for a total of 19, not 18.
Being an organist myself, I can attest that his sense of humor extended to his music. You find little musical jokes hidden in the music from time to time. But his biggest joke was the way he wrote. I have spent countless hours over many years on the organ bench cussing the old wretch because I know very well that when he wrote a lot of those pieces, he said to himself, "Well let's see one of those other guys play this!"
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Carpal Tunnel
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Thank you, Bob, for that tribute. And lest we forget! A moment, please, to venerate the last and least of his offspring, PDQ Bach, whose recently-recovered* works include: Blaues Gras (hi Faldage!) - the Bluegrass Cantata , Breakfast Antiphonies, and my personal favorite, Iphigenia In Brooklyn.
---
*reconstructed++
---
++deconstructed
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addict
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I thought I'd enjoy being a seamstress, but it was just sew-sew.
I tried acting for a while, but I felt my career lacked direction.
Now, things are looking up at last. I'm an astronomer!
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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I tried being a lawyer, briefly, but it didn't suit me.
Next was psychology, but I didn't have the patience.
Then I accepted a position as state executioner, but I couldn't get the hang of it.
Now I work in a laundry, and my career is completely washed up.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Blaues Gras (hi Faldage!)
Hi, Anna
Denn alle Fleisch ist Blaues Gras?
Sorry I couldn't fit es in there
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Carpal Tunnel
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I used to be a printer but computers stamped it out;
So I tried information technology but I couldn't stay interested in IT.
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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Pooh-Bah
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I was a surgeon but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I was an anesthesiologist, but all my coworkers were passing gas so much that I had to leave.
So then I became a pathologist, but that whole career just seemed dead.
Then I became a urologist, but all day I had to deal with a bunch of d*cks and a**holes. [doh!]
Next I tried my hand at being an infectious diseases specialist, but I just got sick of the job.
I tried my hand at being a pediatrician, but everyone was so childish.
I worked for awhile as a gastroenterologist, but I just couldn't stomach it.
I thought about trying to become a neurologist, but I just didn't have the nerve.
So now I am an oncologist. I didn't like it at first but it's starting to grow on me.
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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"Then I was an anesthesiologist, but all my coworkers were passing gas so much that I had to leave."You see, Dr Bill, we are paying attention! Either that, or it's time to buy a lottery ticket.
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Carpal Tunnel
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But not all rectal carriers passing aerosols of antibiotic resistant staph, I hope.
Thanks, Sparteye.
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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RE: "But not all rectal carriers passing aerosols of antibiotic resistant staph, I hope"
MRSA sakes alive, that sounds VRE bad! (Somebody stop me, please.)
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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I worked in a mental hospital but did not want to be a sick iatrist.
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