#16190
01/20/2001 3:02 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
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Carpal Tunnel
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I just opened this week's Time magazine. The first thing I always read is the letters to the editor. They're usually either hilariously bigoted or very good. AnnaStrophic has obviously been busy spreading the use of English in Atlanta, because an Atlanta resident, Susan J. Berlin came up with this line as a response to Dubya being chose by Time as Person of the Year: Choosing George W. Bush is like writing a restaurant review after you've ordered your meal but before it has been servedAn American pal said in an email the other day that in his view: GWB has all of Forrest Gump's faults but none of his charms. Anybody else got great one-liners they'd like to share? 
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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#16191
01/20/2001 3:11 AM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Posts: 11,613 |
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I have kleptomania, and when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
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#16192
01/20/2001 11:36 AM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,981 |
A bit of an oldie, but:
I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure!
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#16193
01/20/2001 12:53 PM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 6,511
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Choosing George W. Bush is like writing a restaurant review after you've ordered your meal but before it has been served Thanks, CapK, for the credit,  but I don't get it 
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#16194
01/20/2001 6:42 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,439
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Although they are not "new" as Capital Kiwi's sayings are I venture to offer these two favorites which I have quoted whenever the appropriate occasion arose, They are both by Finley Peter Dunne from his series of "Mr. Dooley" newspaper columns which were written in an immigrant Irish accent, hence the spellings as I am quoting accurately. "A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th'Lord wud do if He knew th' facts iv the case." And one that has come in handy lately : "No matter whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows the iliction results." And to give credit where it is long overdue, and in modern English, it was Dunne who said : Trust everybody but cut the cards. wow
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#16195
01/20/2001 10:41 PM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 6,511
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Anything uttered by Groucho Marx.
Among my favorites:
"You have the brain of a three-year-old, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."
"I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member."
['waggling eyebrows' emoticon]
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#16196
01/21/2001 12:30 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
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The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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#16197
01/21/2001 12:40 AM
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 6,511
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....Dubya being chose by Time as Person of the Year: Ah!!! I get it now!!! (read for context, Anna, just as you have admonished others to do)  Max, may I borrow your flagellation stick? ['taking horlicks and blankie to bed now' emoticon]
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#16198
01/21/2001 2:41 AM
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10,542
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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A spoonful of Horlicks in a glass of Scotch and I'll be fine. - J. Cleary
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#16199
01/22/2001 4:46 PM
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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My favorite Mae West line is "Why don't you come up and see me? I got nothing on but the radio."
I also like liked Lois Wyse's line. She has an Ad agency in NY, she ran it with her husband, and when he died, suddenly (and very young) she keep the agency going, and made it a success. Some years later at a party she met a very interesting man, and told him-- "You seem to be very much like my second husband" He asked, How many time have you been married, and she replied "Once".
(they later married--)
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#16200
01/22/2001 6:19 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 1,289
veteran
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veteran
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 1,289 |
Today is the 100th anniversary of the death of Queen Victoria. (This ought to be commemorated by an appropriate thread, I don't know what off hand. If anyone else has one, go to it.) In her honour (Brit. spelling for the occasion), I submit: WE ARE NOT AMUSED.
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#16201
01/22/2001 6:23 PM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 771
old hand
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old hand
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Posts: 771 |
Since this thread started in a political vein, I love the pithy and brilliant:
"George W Bush, the President Dan Quayle we never had."
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#16202
01/22/2001 10:14 PM
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Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 1,094
old hand
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old hand
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Posts: 1,094 |
"George W Bush, the President Dan Quayle we never had."
I'm not gonna say anything, I'm not gonna say anything, I'm not gonna say anything. . . .
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#16203
01/22/2001 10:25 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 144
member
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member
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Posts: 144 |
Wasn't it Marilyn Monroe who when asked what she wore in bed replied 'Chanel No. 5'?
One of my other favourites (I've got a vague recollection of it being attributed to Churchill and I suspect that I'm about to misquote horribly here, but hey! [insert shrugging emoticon])is:
Sir, you are drunk.
Yes madam, and you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober!
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#16204
01/23/2001 2:54 AM
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
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I may be wrong but I think W.C. Fields said that.
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#16205
01/23/2001 4:24 AM
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10,542
Carpal Tunnel
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this is one of those stories with so many variations that one wonders about the veracity of any of it... but one version that got posted was ostensibly from someone who was there and claims that Bessie Braddock said this to Churchill. "Now of course Bessie would never have said such a thing under ordinary circumstances, because no matter what you think about the English, it is not true that they are so stupid or naive as to be surprised when a
person becomes drunk at a party, and particularly not when the person is a vulgar, sensual man like Winston Churchill. In fact he was drunk, and the last time he had been drunk at one of Bessie's parties he had behaved very badly." he goes on to say that Churchill and his friends made up the story of the response the next day. "It does little credit to Winston that this was what he wished he had said, because once you get past the idea that it was a clever thing to have said on the spur of the moment (which it would have been had he said it on the spur of the moment and not made it up the following day while hung over) you realize just how devoid of real wit or quality the remark is." other versions claim that the lady in question was Lady Astor (they aren't, by some weird English coincidence, the same person, are they? :)
oh well, I would have been delighted to have thought of it the next day....
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#16206
01/23/2001 12:59 PM
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
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It was on this Board that I read:
I want to die in my sleep, like my grandpa; not yelling and screaming like his passengers.
That line still tears me up. I love it and keep it posted on my bulletin board. People usually read it once, don't quite get it (thinking it is somehow kinda deep and sincere) and then, realizing what is really said, burst out laughing.
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#16207
01/23/2001 1:15 PM
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Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
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We are going through a lot of changes where I work. So many, in fact, that the powers that be brought in a "guest speaker" to deliver a pep talk on "change management" to help the hapless employees deal with all of the organizational changes.
A couple of weeks after the speech, which basically said, "We are changing and if you don't like it, don't let the door hit you in the butt as you leave," we were called into a meeting to ask our reactions to the speech. I stood up and said, "I was extremely disappointed, because I had had great expectations and they were dashed."
Supervisor, "What do you mean, Ted?"
Ted: "I was really hoping the first word in change management was a verb."
TEd
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#16208
01/23/2001 1:34 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,439
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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TEd !
Are you still working there? If I were in charge I'd have promoted you!
wow
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#16209
01/23/2001 1:44 PM
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
Carpal Tunnel
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W.C. Fields said that...(vulagarity alert for the over-sensitive): He was indubitably the author or the following, when offered a pollutant draught in his pure whisky: " Water? I never touch the stuff - fish fuck in it!" (Sorry, Max! )
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#16210
01/23/2001 3:25 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Upon hearing someone utter an unintentional, and probably best not worth mentioning, pun, and saying, "No pun intended."
Replying, "None taken."
Well, OK. Maybe "great" is overstating it a little.
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#16211
01/23/2001 4:28 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 866
old hand
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old hand
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Posts: 866 |
I worked (in Oz) with a "good ol' boy" geologist from Tucson some years ago. He had a whole collection of sayings which kept me in fits of laughter, so much so that I wrote them all down and try to use them as often as possible - complete with good ol' boy accent of course!! I presume they weren't his own, but I've not heard them elsewhere. Examples are:
"Well, ain't that just slicker'n cat shit on linoleum!" (or substitute the cat dung reference for "snot on a brass door handle!").
If there was a lot of something, it was "ass-hole deep to an 8 foot Indian".
Finally, and showing my geoscience roots again, LURV the bumper sticker-esque saying I noted at a mineral and fossil dealer's website the other day...."COPROLITES HAPPEN".
Look it up!
stales
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#16212
01/23/2001 6:25 PM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Thanks for your consideration, maverick, it is very much appreciated. However, I'm not quite that sensitive. I woould not like to think my personal mores were intruding others' freedom of expression.
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#16213
01/23/2001 6:28 PM
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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DAMN I wish was as quick thinking as that! Ted, that was exceptional, at least the equal of any of the other offerings in this thread.
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#16214
01/23/2001 7:04 PM
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Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
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>DAMN I wish was as quick thinking as that!
Uh, well, among friends, I will make an admission. I had a whole week to come up with that. I will admit, though, that I very carefully chose the timing of the delivery for maximum amusement effect. My pappy taught me that in delivery and sex timing is everything. Pappy was a wise man.
TEd
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#16215
01/23/2001 9:40 PM
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,346
veteran
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veteran
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Water? I never touch the stuff - fish f*ck in it
Mav, that should have been the least of his worries.
Given the initials W.C., you'd have expected him to suss that one.
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#16216
01/23/2001 9:50 PM
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,346
veteran
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veteran
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I want to die in my sleep, like my grandpa; not yelling and screaming like his passengers.Likewise, love that one bel I'd heard it with a "peacefully" just after "die" which adds a certain hmmm, I don't know, je ne sais quoi I suppose. P.S. The "you are drunk sir, very drunk" I'd heard attributed to Lady Astor (rather than Bessie wotsit) and Churchill.
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#16217
01/23/2001 10:01 PM
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,346
veteran
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veteran
Joined: Oct 2000
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Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?Here's a variant, Cap.. A renowned wag at work (call him Bill), on seeing another colleague (Ben) walking back from the canteen with a banana in his pocket, piped up: "Is that a banana in your pocket, Ben, or are you pleased to see me?" to which came the reply: "It's a banana, Bill - I'm never pleased to see you." Blinding. 
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#16218
01/23/2001 10:19 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
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Her name was Nancy Witcher Langhorne. She is also reputed to have referred to the soldiers who took part in the invasion of Italy as D-Day Dodgers (or at least something that could be interpreted with that phrase) and got a mention in the song D-Day Dodgers to honour* the occasion.
*Brit spelling to honor the fact that she was a Brit, as were the D-Day Dodgers.
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#16219
01/24/2001 4:55 AM
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 3,065
Carpal Tunnel
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I think she came from the US, but married an Englishman.
Bingley
Bingley
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#16220
01/24/2001 1:47 PM
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400
Carpal Tunnel
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yes, your right there-- it was the fashion for robber barons to send daughter to Europe to marry poor lords/dukes/earls/what ever. Churchill's mother was Jenny Jerome-- Jenny's father was a NY land speculator, and owned a race track (now site of reservoir)- there is also a major street named after him– Jerome Avenue. Jenny was sent for "Finishing" to europe and married well..
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#16221
01/24/2001 2:34 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,439
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Her name was Nancy Witcher Langhorne. She is also reputed to have referred to the soldiers who took part in the invasion of Italy as D-Day Dodgers
If her Ladyship did, indeed, say this ... I say SHAME!
This hits a very sore spot for me .. I had relatives in the 8th Army and an uncle who was among the men who fought in the three battles for the Kasserine Pass and a neighbor's son was killed at the battle of Monte Cassino. Hell on earth found itself a fact in those places. Too many brave decent American and British boys went through that hell called The Italian Campaign to ever be described as Lady Astor allegedly did.
For more info in UK and world wide, consult "The Oxford Companion to World War II" published in 1995 by Oxford Press -- in US the ISBN is 0-19-866225-4
Wow
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#16222
01/24/2001 3:44 PM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858
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Dear of troy: I recently read biography of Churchill that said he had a brother apparently sired by one of his mother's lovers, and that his father died of syphilis contracted as result of college classmates as a prank (Ye Gods, what a prank) putting a diseased prostitute in bed with him when he was intoxicated. So perhaps Jennie Jerome was no bargain as a bride. I was mildly appalled that this information appeared in an otherwise good book.wwh
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#16223
01/24/2001 3:58 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
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wow adds: If her Ladyship did, indeed, say this ... I say SHAME!I whole-heartedly agree, wow. My uncle was in the 442nd. They spent most of their duty in Italy. A couple of slightly different versions of the song: http://www.warlinks.com/jackcull/ddodgers.htmhttp://www.acronet.net/~robokopp/english/ddaydodg.htmI have trouble maintaining composure while reading the last verse. More available by googling "d-day dodgers"
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#16224
01/24/2001 4:33 PM
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400
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In reply to:
and that his father died of syphilis
Well, that is old new to me, as for his brother not being quite his brother-- a blood test would tell for sure.
and as for Jennie being no bargain, on the scales of things, making a man wear horns, or giving your wife a (at the time ) untreatable, deadly disease-- i think Jennie got the worse half of the bargain!
I think if i knew my hubby had syphilis, i would have all my children via (disease free) lovers! congential syphilis is a very ugly disease...
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#16225
01/24/2001 9:45 PM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 157
member
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member
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"Never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. If you still don't like him, he's a mile away with no shoes."
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#16226
01/25/2001 2:06 PM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 771
old hand
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old hand
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When asked if I would rather have hot dogs for fingers or no bottom jaw (don't even ask how that came up in conversation!), my reply was:
"I'd like to have both. That way, if I was tempted to eat my fingers, I couldn't. Because, hey, I have no bottom jaw."
The 'mile away with no shoes' bit reminded me of it ~ it has that Jack Handy ring.
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#16227
01/25/2001 4:19 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 1,055
old hand
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old hand
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
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#16228
01/25/2001 4:40 PM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Fortunately for Winston, his father would no longer have been infectious by time he got married, though the jolly little corkscrews (spirochetes) were taking a long rest before destroying his brain.
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#16229
01/25/2001 4:51 PM
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400
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see as how you have an MD after your name, I'll believe you, but i thought syphilis could continue to be contagous even after the inital chanker had healed..
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