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Howye fokes! How is things? Moneywise, last week was a bitta a disaster fer us Teds, fer sure. Firsta all, after a all time high, the sales a our home-grown mushroom** soup went on a right downer. Then seconda all MadDogTed’s attimpt at a bank-job went pear-shaped after he discovered that he’d put his hoodie on back ta front.
Well, lookily fer us didn’t we see a add on the internet offeren us a course in how ta get rich fierce quick. The classes is run by the world renouned onterpineer, Mrs Trudy Loff and she sent us a reel nice personal email tellen us that a cute buncha tallented onterpineeren Teds like us could call her Tru. We was right chuffed, I’ll tell ya, and being a biteen shorta cash, we had ta go ta Mr Slasher fer a loan fer ta sign up ta Tru’s course, cos these thing don’t come cheep, ya know.
Mr Slasher looked a biteen dubious fer sure and told us that he’d hearda manys the poor crature what ended up ruffen it in the workhouse after signen up fer the very same course. One guy was advised ta purchase a pile a land fer ta make a football pitch outa. He borrowed up ta his eyeballs only ta discover that the land was riddled with moles and it were too bumpy fer anyone ta play on. Then there was the woman what was advised ta spealise in luxury desserts, and paid through the nose fer a secret recipe fer custard but, alas, it always came out lumpy no matter what she did. And then there was Mr Slasher’s very own cousin, Mildred, what spent a arm and a leg on anti-cellulite cream what only made the problem worse and was sued ta the oxters by her angry clientelle.
Which only goes ta prove ta ye fokes - the course a Tru Loff never did run smooth.
Be seein ya
GallantTed
(**The sale a magic mushrooms was banned last week in Ireland)
Last edited by GallantTed; 02/05/2006 9:14 PM.
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... and therein lies a shaggy bear tale. What is it about TEDS and puns? 
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TEd
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Howye Anna and TEd (no relation)
How is things with ye?
Apun me word TEd, but ya hit the nale on the hed there fer sure.
Be seein ya
GallantTed
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Howye fokes! How is things? Gess who popped in ta Slasher’s jint the other day only the mighty Warrior Cuchulain himself. We was fierce excited fer sure, and after given MadDogTed his autograph, he preceeded ta tell us the shocken news what he’d just herd with his very own ears from the Salmon a Knowledge, who got it from the dogs on the streets via the grapevine in the horse’s mouth that from hear on in, until further notice, if a little birdie told anybody anythin they weren’t ta believe a worda it. He told us that all the birds was taken the flu accusations ta hart fer sure, and led by a buncha fierce wild geese alltagather they’d formed their own airborn underground movement and started up their own proper gander machine.
He warned us ta be on the lookout fer the Children a Lir what were carriers fer sure and what were goen round ta all the pubs in human-form spreaden their lies and germs. Then he sed that the only way ta beat the bird flu was ta always wash yer hands and that pilots should always stop ta offer migraten birds a lift if it’s rainen. He sed that the spread a the flu would be stopped in its tracks if people used their hankies and if all birds was allowed ta carry arms and had access ta their own private helicopters and off-shore bank accounts.
Anyways, just then the Live Hurlen came on the telly, but our hero had ta leave in a hurry cos he’d more places ta visit with the news. As we sat there watchen the live action it suddenly dawned on us that Cuchulain was playen a blinder as full forward. We then had a look at the autograph what he’d gave ta MadDogTed and noticed that it was actually signed Coochulain….
Holy crow! Thank heavens us Teds is immune.
Be seein ya
GallantTed
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So what's your sauce for this?
By the way -- GREAT pun.
the other
TEd
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Howye fokes! How is things? I’ve no dout that the more cultured a ye what do be readen me collum will be fimilar with the Annual Nag Gag Simposium what’s open ta everyone so long as yer a ass or a jinnit or something along them breeds. The contestints spend the weekend tellen joaks, funny stories and the like and then on the last night the best contestints is picked ta go inta the grand final where the overall winner with the most amusen and original story is picked. Anyways, fer the very furst time this year’s simposium was held beyont in Slasher’s Bar (and Grill).
Now, the animal called The Champ, what was tipped ta win the final, was a proper show off alltagather and had all us annoyed goen on about how hillarious he was and how he’d won the title fer 5 years runnen and how his victory was in the nose-bag fer sure. I’ll tell ya, he just loved ta hear himself brayen and could talk the hind-legsa a donkey fer sure.
Which in fact is just what the ejjit did. And before hoofen it outa town from the sheer boredom a the constant whinnyen, the sed hind-legs told everyone the very joak what The Champ had up his sleeve fer the grand final - so by the time he told it up on the stage it was no longer original and was rendered null and vide. Which put a bita a dampner on the night cos everyone had been saven their belly laffs fer the final and now there was no grate joak ta gaffaw or heehaw at. But then, next thing ya know, didn’t MadDogTed shout up “It just goes ta show ye fokes - a mule and his funny is soon parted!”
Well, the place errupted fer sure and that’s how, fer the furst time ever, a humble little teddy bear – with no horsey connection whatsoever - won the the Annual Nag Gag Simposium.
Be seein ya
GallantTed
PS anyone want ta buy a year's supplya oat n apple flavoured straw? Unwanted prize. Goen cheep. Apply within.
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gratz, GT. 
formerly known as etaoin...
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Howye fokes! How is things? Wouldn’t that Samuel Briquette fella burn a hole in the bleek black bowels a yer brain fer sure? He wrote some grate stuff alltagather and was a infinity ahed a his time. I mean, he had wrote that mind blowen play, “Waiten 4 Go.com” yonks before the internet was even invented.
A course, us Teds have no problem getten him. Like the time we was all doen the course on the arta stage production and we told him ta go off fer ta find a glass hammer. He was gone fer a eternity but he had a grate laff alltagather when we eventually let him in on the joak. He just loved the aimlessness and futility a it all ta boot, and scribbled a few things down in his little bleek book.
He’s got a grate heda hair on him alltagather and Albear Camoo goes up ta him and sez “Have ya updock in yer hair?” “What’s updock?” sez Briquette. “A, a, a, a, what’s up doc?” sez Albear, doen his best Bugs Bunny vice. Well, he nearly died a the laffen, I’ll tell ya, and sed not ta be so absurd cos his hair was actually devoid a human conditioner. Well, we hadn’t mucha a clue what he was on about, but then he added that with all our little pranks us Teds were the only ones what totally got him every time, so then the hole thing began ta make some sense.
In fact, he was so delighted with us that he called fer a celebration and told MadDogTed - what by now was haff high at the profoundness a it all - that the drinks was on the house, and next thing ya know wasn’t me little pal up on the roof waiten ta be served. A course, he soon copped that Briquette was just haven him on and came down delighted with himself cos that grate man, Samual Briquette, had just got him – and Lord knows, he’s about the only man what ever did.
Be seein ya
GallantTed
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Well done, I must say.
"Well done, GT!"
There. I said it.
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stranger
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bear musik
wot adout me
i taut him all wot he gnows
& all wot galanteb gnows 2 doot
b f n c n u l8r g8r
mabbogtebby X
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In case you can't hear me laughing all the way across the Irish sea, let me tell you how much I love these forays into the sublime parallel universe of Slasher's Bar (& Grill) - thanks to all its denizens! :]
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Howye fokes
Glad yer enjoyen what does be goen on hear - it's tuff been a Ted fer sure, but we manage.
Be seein ya
GallantTed
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Good ter see ya still around, GT. Yer bloody well-hidden, mind, cause I was in Dublin fer the Banken Holiday last week, and not a ide nor air of you did I see. And I looked in every bar. Coulden find Slasher's Bar (and Grill) though. Bit out of the town, is it?
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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Howya Kiwie
DUBLIN is it?? Sure that's not reel Ireland a tall. Ya should try comen Weshta the Shannon fer ta find us.
Be seein ya
GallantTed
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Howye fokes! How is things?
Browsen through me Tedasaurus the other day, I came across a little piece about me Fourbear, Pra da Panda, what was once the Nation’s top designer and what invented the stone-washed jean back in the last few weeksa the Stone Age.
The peasant fokes was delighted alltagather with their new trews, until the flaxen-haired daughtera the local Locks Clan [no furst name recorded] started sayen that everyone was looken fierce scruffy alltagather in the new gear. [At this pint we can only speculate that this spite was outta pure jealously cos her prehistoric arse was too big ta fit in ta them]. Well, me Fourbears was taken nonea these insults fer sure, and after discoveren the resta the world fer ta subsequently invent the WWW, they looked up the Iron Age on the net, got it delivered, and then left it ta Ted the Inventer ta invent the very furst steam iron.
Ted the Onterpineer took things over from here and was in the middlea plannen the very furst laundrette when his plannen permission was blocked by a mysterious objecter, on the grounds that it might hamper the allready scanty bleach and peroxide supplies. And next thing ya know hadn’t the local Locks Clan opened up the furst wash-house in the area. Well, in the heela the reel, the Ted population wasn’t too disappinted with their loss cos it soon transpired that this was firece sweaty work alltagather and they had loads a time ta develop the arta gamblen, boozen and general carrousen while the flaxen-haired daughtera the local Locks clan had ta spend all her days slaven away over a hot iron.
Then one day while she was nosen through the jeans pocketsa one a the Marks Brothers [whether Ted or Carl is not recorded] didn’t she come across the haff finished tedifesto on slave labour and decided ta there and then down tools and refuse ta work any more until somea the Teds agreed ta help her. Unlookily fer her, didn’t she ferget ta turn off the iron and the jint burnt down ta a cinder, leaven the Locks Clan destitute fer yonks ta come.
Which just goes ta show ye fokes, ya should never strike while the iron is hot.
Be seein ya
GT
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Always good to see you, Ted.
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I think it was Carl Marks, GT, not Ted. After all, he had nothing to lose but his jeans.
Glad to see you back in such fine form. Keep up the shabby bear, er shaggy bear, stories.
I've been hoping you would come to this side of the pond for a visit, but I notice there's no zipper in those jeans; that means you won't be able to get on a plane without a lot of trouble. Being on the No-Fly List and all.
TEd
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Jist plaign graijte !
To Ted The Gallant,
One of our trips to Ireland got us into an Irish hospital for six weeks with broken bones because a van from a Bacon Company
overtook a flock of sheep in a sharp curve of one of them scenic country roads. The front window gone, our back seat passenger's spectacles ended up way over the offensive van and the Company's slices of bacon ended up way over all around the place. The sheep didn't care for bacon and pursued their pastoral trail.
The hospital was great! I was a only a little scared to death by a teeny weeny gostlike little waif that whispered :'Holy water? Holy water? into my feverish ear. I thought the end had come right then and there due to a shot of morphine on which I reacted negative. All docters and nurses
thought it a big waste of money, that shot.
The matron hopped in every day in my single room to ask how we were feeling today. The head surgeon governed the place like a King.
(Louis XVI) Complete with peacocks on the lawn and he did his rounds with a staff of assistants acting as courtiers.
Before dawn the hospital smelled of the home- bread baking and as it was Xmas there was turkey, turnips and iced heavy black Christmas cake.I was daily wheeled over to my husband's room who was lying in traction with a broken hip . It was the most hospitable hospital I ever knew. Bantry, best place in the world to brake a leg. I love Ireland,the music,the accent though I never got it right.
On many a trip I saw donkeys , not ever I saw you, Gallant Ted . I guess you must have been a toddler at the time and was off to the woods to the annual Teddy Bear's Picnic.
Love your column!
Last edited by BranShea; 11/09/2006 11:49 AM.
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Thanks for shedding some candlelight on MabbogTebby's X.
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And hope in time a next Gallant T episode will be issued.
(I know, creativity can't be forced)
Last edited by BranShea; 12/20/2006 12:39 PM.
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Howya Branshea
Here's a freshly squeezed one fer ya what I made earlier.
Howye fokes! How is things?
Mr Slasher is big huge inta customer service alltagather and is always concerned about the health and wellbeing a his punters – cos he knows only too well that the longer we all stay hale and harty, the longer we’ll slurp his ale and party.
Well, the other week he was a bitteen concerned that we wasn’t getten our five-a-day supply a frute and vegatibles and so decided ta introduce alciholic frute shots in ta the bar menu. He organised a big huge launch fer the campain alltagather, and even invited such dignitaries as the Mandirin a Manulla and the Sultana a Swinford fer ta open the festivities. I don’t know meself if there’s any truth in the rumour that the pear a them is daten, but they sure looked peachy tagather. A course, that gallopen trollop, Goldilocks, was ded jealous fer sure and tried ta peel them apart, but only ended up looken like a right gooseberry.
Anyways, the night a the openen was brillant alltagather and there was free shots fer everyone – freshly made outta all kinds a exotic frutes from all over the world. Us Teds was there in our numbers fer sure, maken sure that we got our bite outta the cherry and the atmosphere was only magic – like there was a electric currant flowen through it or somethin. At one pint me little pal, Albear Camoo, was even eyen up Loxy’s melons, who by now was sucken on a sour grape and blowen raspberries at the sultana and the mardirin and generally maken a right lemon outta herself alltagather. I’ll tell ya we was haven the time a our lives fer sure, guzzlen shot after exotic shot.
And then, towards the enda the night, things got fierce juicy alltagather when the door bursted open and this fierce angry-looken little bush limped up ta the bar waven a gun and sed, “I’ve come fer the man what shot me papaw!”
Be seein ya
GallantTed
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And orange we glad to see you again, GT? I'd apple-y listen to all the stories you had to tell, even if some of them'd turn a pohmy ta granite. As I was saying to my cycling buddy Greg Lemon-d the other day, "Avocado tell you, Greg, I cran-beary contain myself, and it ain't like GT's a Kiwi or anything like that. Sometimes I wonder if he dates his palm, but he certainly is a coocoo nut."
I'm sure olive us have felt that way at one time or another. We tip arhat to you!
TEd
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The home folk I share this fun with and me thank you!
Healthy and refined piece of work!
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Howye fokes! How is things?
Lissen, I can’t stop ta talk ta ye cos it’s my turn ta go and pose as the cute likkle Teddy Bear on yer Christmas wrappen paper – it’s a fierce degraden job fer sure, but us humble Teds have ta make a few bob somehow. Anyways, not ta worry cos I left me pals Albear Camoo and MadDogTed in charge and they’ve organised a IQ puzzle fer ya ta do.
If ya get over 18 or morea a Albear’s questions right, then yer a bony fido genus – no codden, and should get straight onta MENSA. And if ya get any a MadDogTeddy’s right, yer a bony fido total genus alltagather and should contact us hear at TEDSA. Ya can PM me fer the answers - just don’t ferget ta put yer query on the back offa €50 note – cos us humble Teds have ta make a liven somehow.
I’m not given any hints or nothin, just remember that our location and culture is different ta most on this board, so some a the questions may not be too obvious, but they’re all genwine and gettible fer sure. And fer MadDogTed’s effert, just remember his main pastimes – gamblen, boozen, general carrousen, smoken, Gaelic football, given out about Goldilocks, cursen and all that sorta stuff.
A fierce Happy Christmas ta ye now! GT
Greetings comrades! Albear Camoo here! Hope you enjoy this little quiz which I’ve compiled for you. All you have to do is work out what the letters mean. For example 24 H in a D is 24 hours in a day. I know some of you may have seen it all before, but some of my questions have a local flavour. Good luck!
1. 32 C in I
2. 12 T of G
3. 3 W M
4. 5 D of the R
5. 5 C in C
6. 14 L in a S
7. 12 D of C
8. 4 F in an O P (1d)
9. G a the 3 B (the G T)
10. 31 D in D
11. 50 W to L Y L
12. Y S Y S 3 B F
13. 7 B for 7 B
14. 16 O in a P
15. 4 is the N N A 3
16. 149 is the M B in S
17. 2 H are B T 1
18. 007 L T K
19. 2 T D A a P in a P T
20. 7 D N - if so…
21. …J S 1 O F and 3 H M
22. 3 C on the I F (G W G)
23. 2 L G 4 L B (G O A F)
24. 2 L G 1 L B for S P McC
bear foaks
hears me f n f ert 4 da quiz
hop dat f santy rememders me dis year
he f n detter cos im a very gub likkle tebby dear
maken up f n quizes & evrytin 4 da likesa urselfs
4get me not santy r else
jus rememder foaks da morea dese wot u get rite da f n ticker u r
1. 1 4 da m 2 4 da s
2. 3 4 2 g r n g c g
3. 6 is 9 u
4. b is d d
5. r shud dat b d is b b
6. 2 b r n 2 b d is da f n 64 m $ q
7. 3 a a k b 2 p n p
8. 7 € & 5 c 4 20 f is a f n b
9. m 3 5 k 4 15 is a o f n b
10. 36 dd is g iq da f n g t
11. 1 5 17 23 32 11 is n w l n @ least i f n h s
r u lissenen santy
b f n s n u l8r g8r
mabbogtebby X
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GT, if we answer these collectively do we all get to join TEDSA collectively?
7. 12 Days of Christmas
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Jesus Christ! I love to see letters, but I panic when I see figures. O.K. Courage!I just make a cold guess: Could 4. be 5 days of the year? Is there a closing day to these Quizzies , G.T.? I'll need some time after learning all this difficult English to do some studies on hard figures.   
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10 31 days in December
11. 50 ways to leave your lover
13. 7 brides for seven brothers
14. 16 ounces in a pound
17. 2 heads are better than one
18. 007 - licensed to kill
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1' is one for the money, two for the show...
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Quote:
17. 2 heads are better than one
Nay, I think it is: Two hands are better than one. What would you do with two heads? You'd be a ready for a freak show.
+ what would you do with your dubble IQ - 180 ? 360 is that genius or madness?
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3. Three wise men
6. 14 lines in a sonnet
12. yes sir yes sir 3 bags full
19. two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree
TEd
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1. 32 counties in Ireland
TEd
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9. Goldilocks and the 3 bears
TEd
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Quote:
1' is one for the money, two for the show...
followed of course by
"3 [fer] to get ready, now go, cat, go!"
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3': six is nine uqsibebown
anb 4": "d" is "b" dackwarbs (at least in this forum)
I think that takes care of 5' too, dy extension...
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6' is a somewhat uncensoring Hamlet solilopuizing. But why? _That's_ the 64 million dollar puestion.
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Quote:
two heads are better than one
Yes! Thanks. I really have to get used to the idea that half of what
comes up here is link business and I too often take someone's word for something fresh from the one head.
Anyway, I lit some little candles from the home cooked picture files to illuminate this joint enterprise
14 numbers are discovered. 13 from Albear Camoo and one from MadDogTed.
5 past 3 PM local here.
Last edited by BranShea; 12/20/2006 1:09 PM.
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,295 |
How frustrating I only get parts of these lines. Like 4. and 5. from mabbogtabby.: 4. b is d d Like 5. or should that be d is b b? You English natives and experts would know. Or link some . 6. Two beer and two ..... 11. ....at least I finish.... right,I give up and hope the nightshift will do better.
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 74
journeyman
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journeyman
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 74 |
#9: Goldilocks and the three bears (and I'm not sure about the bit in the ( ). Maybe Gifted and Talented Gallant Ted??
Last edited by pennyless; 12/20/2006 5:21 PM.
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