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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91
journeyman
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journeyman
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 91 |
Followed is one letter written by me. For it's written out of my own mind and I can be a little more freely about how to word, I felt a little less clumsy with it than with one that's dictated in Chinese while having to be translated into English without changing its wording.
But that's only what I think. I don't know how a native English speaker feel and I would like you to comment on these letters and point out where I should improve and where it makes you confused.
Thanks,
Calli.
=====================
K.C.,
Hello. How are you? This is WAN Yuti, who met you and talked with you about something concerning culture exchange projects a few days ago in Peking University, China.
Attached is a simple introduction (in Chinese) to the project we talked about that's intended for the market outside mainland China. Please have a brief idea about it and consider whether there is demand in South-east Asia as well as Taiwan or even whether there is possible opportunities for cooperation or marketing. There is no detailed expense calculations. You can click the link http://www.sce.***.edu.cn/recruit_detail.jsp?seq=4668&boardid=300 to refer to the price we fixed for China. We would like to hear advices on that.
At the above link the publicized version of the recruitment information for the aforesaid item can be found. On this page you can also find the summer camp project we mentioned that day together with the before-mentioned item. It originally is designed to target domestic market in China and might not suit the market outside China(or might suit the market in Taiwan?). You can find a third item about HSK, a training program for those who want to sit for Chinese language aptitude test. I don't know whether international students outside China might be interested in it or not.
Please take your time and feel free to contact us if you have any questions or suggestions.
Thanks and we look forward to your reply.
Best regards,
WAN Yuti
http://www.***.com.cn
Office Phone: 86-10-517300**
Home Phone: 86-10-625700**
Mobile: 86-10-1352002****
Email: training@***.com.cn wanyuti@**.com
-----原始邮件-----
发件人: training [mailto:training@*]
发送时间: 2005年5月16日 18:27
收件人: *@***.org.cn; training;
主题: Fw: 中国语言及文化培训
I抦 learning English. If u find anywhere I can improve my composition, Pls do let me know. Bow.
Do inform me if you see any corrections needed in my written English. 
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 114
member
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member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 114 |
Good letter, Calli.
A few quick suggestions:
1. re "Hello. How are you? This is WAN Yuti". This is typical of a face-to-face opening or telephone greeting. It is too conversational for a business letter. You could begin with "As discussed", as you have had prior discussions with this correspondent, and then launch right into your second paragraph, thus:
"As discussed, I am attaching a simple introduction ...."
2. Instead of "Please have a brief idea", I suggest "Please give it some thought" or simply "Please consider".
3. Instead of "We would like to hear advices on that", I suggest "We would welcome your suggestions on that".
4. Instead of "At the above link the publicized version of the recruitment information for the aforesaid item can be found", say "You will find our domestic marketing piece for this program at the link above". ["marketing piece" or "marketing brochure", either one, according to your own preference]
5. Instead of "You can find a third item about HSK", say "You will find ... ".
That's it. You should be proud of yourself, Calli. Your letter is very good.
One general suggestion which will always serve you well:
Always look for opportunities to say what you need to say with the fewest words possible.
Less is always more, particularly in a business letter.
And, whenever you can, break up long paragraphs into two or more paragraphs. The more white space you have in your letter, the easier and more inviting it will be to read.
You are almost at the point where you don't need anyone's help composing your letters, Calli. Congratulations!
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 6,511
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 6,511 |
Your English is coming along quite well, Callithump! (see your private messages)
~~~~~
Less is always more, particularly in a business letter.
... and, by extension, in a post, which is read (or not) by many more people.
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 114
member
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member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 114 |
and, by extension, in a post, which is read (or not) by many more people
Agreed. But for Calli's benefit I add this clarification:
There is nothing wrong with a "long" business letter [or "long" post for that matter] if the writer considers that all of the points covered must be addressed, or should be addressed, but each of the points should be expressed succinctly, that is, clearly and concisely, and each point should be contained within a separate paragraph.
It is always a good idea to express each separate point within a separate paragraph because this allows the reader to skip through your letter [or post] more easily, reading only what interests them.
Obviously, different readers will have different interests and different levels of interest. This last statement is more true of a "post" where you are writing for a very diverse audience which is unpredictable because it is always expanding [hopefully] than of a business letter composed for a particular business with narrow and predictable business interests.
To make it even easier for your reader to skip through your long letter, you might consider using subject headings to introduce each individual point.
When writing a post, one must always remember that one isn't writing only, or even primarily, for the people who are already posting. One is writing in the hope of attracting new interest from passers-by.
Posters who write only for themselves, so to speak, limit their audience, virtually forever, to their existing audience. This may suit the existing audience but it denies the forum the opportunity for growth, at least vigorous and continuous growth.
The "majority" in a dynamic online forum is not the "majority" which exists, but the "majority" which could exist if the current majority opened itself up to an unlimited audience.
Of course, this expansiveness could come at some cost to the current majority as some of the individuals composing that majority, or even all of them, might end up outside the new dynamic majority, subject to the ability of each individual within the original majority to compete on his or her own merits with an unlimited infusion of new talent.
There's the rub.
The growth potential of an online forum is limited not by the vision of the forum, but, instead, by the courage and self-confidence of those who compose the current majority.
If the current majority is determined to remain "the only" majority, a dynamic majority, and, therefore, a dynamic talk forum, is not possible, even theoretically.
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