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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379
Pooh-Bah
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OP
Pooh-Bah
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,379 |
On the train up from the World Trade Center last night, from the PATH and the lost world of Newark New Jersey, I read this poem on an ad board posting of the MTA. The author, 14, was the winner of the 6-8 grade category of a poetry contest commemorating 100 years of subway "service."
I am charmed by silver
snake-like trains slithering
contently in black-pitted dens,
corridors flooded by taut masses
have beautifully woven, diverse peoples
A boundless threshold of adventure fulfilled
with the simple slide
of a card
Kesi Augustine
St. Clare School
Queens, NY
Whatever it's merits -- and I do like it -- I was interested in the writer's use of the word "contently," instead of "contendedly" in connection with subway trains; in the interpolation to charmer snakes; in various possible oxymorons: the metaphors of 'taut floods,' and 'boundless thresholds.' And I wondered at the comma, whether it was intentional, merely nervous, or a teacher's besmirching. (Though the last two lines are unfortunate, I assume they were an entrance requirement of the contest.) A young adolescent walks the boundary of naive and elegant, or all deliberate?
To sleep, perhance to dream
of Yogi Berra.
("Yogi"?)
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
Hi, insel--at first I thought this was going to be revealed as graffiti, but I gather it was officially posted by, er, the transit authority? (Man, I can't get over your-all's using trains all over the place.)
I like the poem, too; very evocative.
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 176
member
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member
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 176 |
Dear Kesi:
Your poem is an outstanding work for a person in our society with the life experience of only 14 years. Indeed, your poem is well above the sniveling, hackneyed tripe so often demurely submitted for praise, by persons of all ages, who fervently believe themselves to have the ‘soul of a poet’, and their efforts to be self-evident master pieces, destined to be lauded throughout the ages. Specifically, your subject matter, use of meter, metaphor, allusion, and contrast indicate that you have given much more than a passing thought to the essence and form(s) of poetry, and how it may be received by the reader or listener, and what commonality you and your reader/listener may share – something hacks fail to do.
As a reader of your poem, I thank you for your thoughtfulness and effort. I hope that you continue to develop and explore your abilities as a poet for the rest of your life. When that is over, I hope that you may leave behind a body of work with which you feel truly satisfied.
Sincerely,
Jay
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 4,757 |
Why not pass on your comments to the school, Jay? St Clare School Principal: Mr Anthony Danile Grades: PreK-8 Type: private (RC) co-ed Enrollment: 515 137-25 Brookville Blvd. Rosedale, NY 11422-1794 Queens County Phone: (718) 528-7174 As a matter of interest it seems to be serving a community that defines itself as being 92% ‘of color’, one that is of lower than average age and higher than average income, with a larger than average size family and living in larger houses of lower than average value yet also lower than average age of stock, in very high ownership ratio. How does this figure with what you know, of troy and inselpeter? http://www.privateschoolreview.com/school_ov/school_id/20007
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 5,400 |
rosedale (not that far from were i owned a home)--is one of those surprizing NYC communities.. Largely minority--(and this changes almost from block to block, some blocks being almost exclusively black, other being mix black, latino, indian(asians), and other groups, and some blocks being almost completely white (northern european).. its a very pretty area, with well kept houses, and lawns.
Queens has almost no 'slums' the poorest part of queens older tenement apartments, but they are not really slums. a good deal of queens is private homes.. some small (the smallest are semi attached, on 20 X 100 foot lots,) --Archie bunker's home was an example of this.. to free standing homes (that cover 85% of a 25 X100 foot lot--often these have been illegally converted to 3 or sometimes 3 family homes. the poshes parts of queens have mansions.
large single family homes on lots that are 100 x 200, many have are tudor style with slate roofs, several of the posher neighborhoods have waterfront or water views. (but there are low income waterfront areas too.. the posh area are 20 to 30 feet above sea level --and 20 or 30 feet away from coast, the poor water front property is 2 to 4 feet above high tide.. and floods it there is a heavy storm.
Rosedale is just a working glass, homeowning area.. not posh, but quite respectable.. the house and lots aren't very large, (40 X 100 being an average) but they are crouded. its biggest drawback is --a 2 fare zone.. (well not anymore) , but you do have to take a bus to the train, and its a long train ride to lower manhattan, and even longer to midtown.
a now cousin-(by marriage lived there).. her parents still do.. they saw no reason to leave when the neighborhood changed from irish catholic to west indies blacks.. with a few Guyanese, and triadadian asian's as well in the mix.
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