"Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs"

"Running around like a chicken with its head cut off"

"Older than dirt"

"... since Hector was a pup"

"... in a coon's age"

"In hog heaven"

"Happier than a pig in s@#t (or mud)"

"A woman needs a man like a fish..." oh, never mind