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stranger
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...to describe a person whom one loved in the past but does not love now. The word--if I could get it off the tip of my tongue--is similar to "beloved" but beloved suggests a current state of mind. Can anyone help?
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enthusiast
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stranger
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I feel your pain, Owlbow. <sympathetic smile>
In fact, the word I'm looking for is to be used in a book I'm writing about getting over a love relationship. I was going to use the word "beloved" to describe the person with whom one is striving to fall OUT of love, but that imbues the ex-love with too much present emotion. I'm looking to this group to help me find the perfect word for an "ex-" who is, at least for now, an ex in name only. Thanks.
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Carpal Tunnel
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estranger is the noun form of the verb estrange; once you get past this stage and actually have fallen out of love, the really obscure word anagapesis applies.
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Carpal Tunnel
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When you're done with your book/relationship, I'd be curious to find out how long it takes to 'fall out'.
looks like tsuwm and I were riding the rails...
BTW - Welcome Cathcoy!
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stranger
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Yup, musick, the right words are important, especially in healing the heart. Here's where I refer to this issue in my book.
Beloved or barnacle?
Some who reviewed the manuscript of this book suggested that I refer to the Beloved in a less romantic or endearing term; that the very use of the word “Beloved” suggests an ongoing attachment to that person. Words like “my attachment,” or “the one I loved,” or even “past love” were suggested to take the charge off a discussion about the Beloved. But I submit it’s unhelpful to demonize or even neutralize the Beloved and, during my own detachment, I refused to do so. After all, I reasoned, I tend to exercise good judgment when I love someone--that is, if I love someone, he’s worthy of that place in my heart until he proves himself otherwise. To now reduce the Beloved to merely an emotional “attachment” is to say that my judgment can’t be trusted. I believe that I honor the place the Beloved had in my life by referring to him as what he was to me. This treatment doesn’t compromise one’s ability to form a strong bond with another Beloved somewhere down the road--in fact, that’s our goal. We can cherish the memories and recognize the authenticity of the relationship by acknowledging, “I would not be who I am without this experience.” The relationship happened. It had a soul and a life force, albeit a force that needs to be forsaken now. As Whitney Houston sang so powerfully, “The ride with you was worth the fall.”
By the way, my working title is "How to Unlove Someone...in 30 Days or Less."
(Still searching for the right word, as I want to abandon "Beloved.")
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tsuwm, you've given me an idea for fleshing out the "stages" a person goes through when they're moving through this universal challenge of falling out of love. Thank you!
I guess, then, we would have (1) Lover, (2) [possibly] Beloved, (3) Estranger and (4) Anagapesis.
What's the word for the person experiencing anagapesis--the Anagapetor? And the ex-Beloved would be the Anagapetee? LOL
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Carpal Tunnel
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I actually dated Ana Gapesis quite a few years back ... a lovely woman of Greek extraction with olive skin, black hair and eyes that looked right through you. But that's another story for another day.
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Carpal Tunnel
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...and eyes that looked right through you.
She wasn't related to Ana Strophic, was she? [cross-eyed threading]
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That's funny, Father Steve. How did you refer to Ms. Gapesis, assuming you were struggling to escape the power of her gaze?
Let me give you all two paragraphs from the Preface to gain an understanding of the word I'm looking for.
This book is borne of my own experience of being unrequitedly in love. I say “unrequited” not because the man I loved didn’t love me back. He professed that he did. I use the word unrequited because he was unavailable to me. Whether the object of our love is unavailable--emotionally, legally or otherwise--or our love is unreturned, the end result is the same: love attachment to someone to whom, for the sake of our emotional health, we should not be connected. To provide brevity for the reader, let’s call the object of our love “the Beloved” and our own role as “the Lover.”
I tried everything to free myself: therapy, self-help books on ending love relationships, journaling, confronting the Beloved--you name it, I tried it. I became something of a lay expert on the subject! I longed to be, not in the opposite mindset of love--loathing or hate--but in the middle; that of indifference, or "out of love." I needed to help myself move on but I didn’t want to fill the space with anything less powerful or authentic than the love I felt. I needed to quiet my heart but maintain my capacity to love, both him (in a new way) and someone new. Being in love with someone we can’t have, or isn’t right for us, or who may be the right person at the wrong time, or for any other reason, requires dedication to freeing ourselves of love’s emotional bonds--bonds that often withstand the rigors of time and distance. Indeed, time stands still, and no geography is out of bounds, for those in love.
Suggestions?
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Carpal Tunnel
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... all those dark-eyed Greek girls are (at least distantly) related.
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journeyman
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I longed to be, not in the opposite mindset of love--loathing or hate--but in the middle; that of indifference, or "out of love."
There is an old saying, CathCoy:
"Friendship often ends in love, but love in friendship never."
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Welcome aBoard, Cath. Your book sounds great. Well, there's always 'old flame'. First love or first crush, if the number's correct. (Somehow second love, etc., just doesn't have the same impact!) Oh--heartthrob? I suppose you could get lengthier with something along the lines of "the one whose protective shell remained impervious to the love I poured over it" (yeah, yeah, sign me up for Bulwer-Lytton). Or how about "mistaken soulmate"? Also--you might try a thesaurus, if you haven't.
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All your suggestions are so thoughtful. Thank you. I especially liked Jackie's "the one whose protective shell remained impervious to the love I poured over it." Now there's a definition waiting for a word!
Maybe "beloved" isn't such an inappropriate word. In many relationships, the dichotomy is that there's a beloved and a lover instead of the reciprical beloved and beloved. Or Party A may fall out of love before Party B. Party B is left stranded with full feelings that must be gotten over.
Geez, if there isn't a word for such a predicament, there should be!
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Carpal Tunnel
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Do you know, crush is the only noun I can think of that carries the connotation that the love wasn't returned. There really should be a word for what you're looking for--shades of meaning like Anu said in his Monday Word this week--because crush can also imply that the love was not love, but only infatuation. Anything else seems to require more words; for ex., the object of my (unrequited) affection.
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addict
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theMilum's contribution lasslorn + example in another thread [Words for readers/writers] may give you a lead, CathCoy.
lasslorn: (LAS-lorn) jilted by one's girlfriend.
Knowing the nature of the lasslorn, as time ticks he will be less lorn.
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Jackie, I didn't get much help from a thesaurus but I thought I'd post this link, which will keep me busy for a while.
http://home.comcast.net/~walkswithastick/relationshipsA.html#B
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...stringer! A stringer is someone to whom you're still emotionally attached, as if by a string (or, in some cases, a 100-pound ball 'n chain). Many times, the Stringer enjoys your attachment, even if s/he's not willing or able to return your emotional involvement.
It's not easy to become unattached to a Stringer, as many a Stringee can attest, but it's possible.
Many thanks to everyone who commented.
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Many times, the Stringer enjoys your attachment...
The word 'Stringer' *seems to suggest that person is always pulling on the string... or at least is the one who has created the string... especially if we denote a 'stringee'.
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You're right, musick. Stringer is still not the best word, but I'll explain in my book that the string is simply there, whether the Stringer does anything to perpetuate the string (connection) or not.
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Pooh-Bah
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I don't think that this is particularly useful to you, but I rather like the Americanism "pre-loved" in relation to second-hand goods like cars. It unfortunately seems to mean that whatever is for sale has been loved in the past by someone else, though.
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Ron.
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Ember
I like it. Still very warm, no longer in the fire... and because of that will eventually go/fall/die "out".
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Oh thank you, Ron. I like it, too, especially in the context of what musick said: Still very warm, no longer in the fire... and because of that will eventually go/fall/die "out".
It's perfect, and I'm indebted to you.
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Here's the first chapter.
Chapter 1 – Defining the Challenge
The first chapter of any self-help book is probably the hardest to pen, because much groundwork must be laid for the conversation to follow. The vocabulary for the topic must sometimes be defined, especially when the topic is esoteric and emotion laden. Sometimes there isn’t even a word for what is meant to be conveyed. Such is the “problem” of what to call the person for or with whom we experienced a profound love but from whom we must now emotionally extricate ourselves, especially when we don’t want to, when we would rather advance or maintain the love affair but circumstances prevent us from doing so.
My friends offered many suggestions. “The Beloved,” I was told, is too reverential, idealized and present-tense. The relationship is over, even if in name only, so the word for that person should reflect this.
“The Stringer” was suggested, as in someone who strings us along until we’re worn out from his/her disingenuousness.
"The Ember," as in still very warm but no longer in the fire, and because of that will eventually fall away or die out.
For a more wistful term, there's "lost love." There’s always ex-lover, but how do you ex-love someone? There’s “past love,” “ex-boyfriend/girlfriend,” “former sweetheart,” etc., but none of these terms hit the nail on the head. Finally, I thought, I’ll have to coin a word—for there surely is a language gap—to describe a love that must be abandoned, for whatever reason, while still fervently felt. Naming a thing gives us, I suppose, a certain amount of control over its effect upon us inwardly. And since this is a book about taking back your heart, control, at long last, is a very fine thing indeed.
Upon first taking to my keyboard, I had referred to my former lover as "the Beloved.” Some who reviewed the beginning drafts of this book suggested that I refer to him in a less romantic or endearing term; that the very use of the word “beloved” suggests an ongoing attachment to that person. Words like “my attachment,” or “the one I loved,” or “past lover” were suggested to take the charge off a discussion about the Beloved. But I submit that it’s unhelpful to demonize or neutralize the Beloved and, during my own detachment, I refused to do so. After all, I reasoned, I tend to exercise good judgment when I love someone—that is, if I love someone, he’s worthy of that place in my heart until he proves himself otherwise. To now reduce the Beloved to merely an emotional “attachment” is to say that my judgment can’t be trusted. I believe that I honor the place the Beloved had in my life by referring to him as what he was to me. This treatment doesn’t compromise one’s ability to form a strong bond with another Beloved somewhere down the road—in fact, that’s our goal. We can cherish the memories and recognize the authenticity of the relationship by acknowledging, “I would not be who I am without this experience.” The relationship happened. It had a soul and a life force, albeit a force that needs to be forsaken now. As Whitney Houston sang so powerfully, “The ride with you was worth the fall.”
Perhaps "the Beloved" works well here in reference to the start of the process of unloving, but maybe not so well down the road. In any case, I’ll avoid the straitjacket of using any term exclusively and, for now, to provide brevity for the reader, call the object of our love “the Beloved” and our own role as “the Lover.”
I will not address the emotional needs of the Beloved because, for the object of our love, there's a gain in being the Beloved that is beyond the scope of this discussion. We're talking about you, the Lover, and your need to release yourself from love that will break you—if you let it.
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Anything wrong with ex-flame?
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I have to say that, given the context, I'd vote (as though I had one!) against ex-anything: everything about the chapter is soft, and ex- would add a shockingly harsh note, to me. I think that with the explanation, beloved works--er, Beloved. Yes, it does have to have a capital! Beloved emphasizes how strong the love was. Though I still call mine my First Love; it was most certainly unrequited--I was 13, he 28. It never flagged, as I saw him (not dating--was physically in his presence) occasionally over the next several years. I still get reminiscently starry-eyed when I think of him.
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"Anything wrong with ex-flame?"
Or maybe just a piece of ash?
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I agree with Jackie that "ex" anything is harsh (in this context) and "flame" is slang. I stumbled on Beloved and Lover in one of the books on getting over a relationship and it resonated with me. I think Beloved denotes a high quality love that was thwarted, not just a fling easily disposed of.
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Say CathCoy the pre-staging within your first chapter is fine except for the exclusion of any allusion to a rare but very real happenstance of romance, that is, that once-in-a-hundred-lifetimes event when two true soulmates meet. Kurt Vonnegut called this extraordinary union a duprass, a union blessed and cursed with ups and downs. But whatever this union is called you will immediatly know that have met your spiritual self; one reflected in the alternate gender, and from that moment on, no set of intervening circumstances will ever change that simple fact. Like a favorite daughter who marries a hippy and moves away to live in the mountains of Tibet, or a beloved son who is convicted for Grand Thieft Auto; Third Offence and is given thirty years at hard labor in the State Pen. Your love for them, as it should be, is for life. Good luck with your book, I'll bet it'll sell thousands. Mmmm? I was just thinking...could you maybe use a collaborator? I'm experienced. 
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experienced.As a writer/collaborator or Lover/Beloved? Just clarifying. 
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...just a piece of ash?
As if one was barking up the wrong tree?
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formerly known as etaoin...
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I'm finding that many MANY people are "experienced" in what I describe--that is, struggling to emotionally extricate him/herself from a love that went nowhere. In fact, as I started researching my book, I was AMAZED at how prevalent it is. Only once did I meet someone who said, "Oh, I give myself about a week to get over someone." That person was otherwise shallow, anyway. I hope I can do justice to this important topic. There are so many nuances to it, I fear I've just begin to peel the layers.
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just a piece of ash
Don't ya just hate it when folks throw bad puns after good?
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formerly known as etaoin...
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Carpal Tunnel
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In reply to:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome aBoard, Cath. Your book sounds great. Well, there's always 'old flame'. First love or first crush, if the number's correct. (Somehow second love, etc., just doesn't have the same impact!) Oh--heartthrob? I suppose you could get lengthier with something along the lines of "the one whose protective shell remained impervious to the love I poured over it" (yeah, yeah, sign me up for Bulwer-Lytton). Or how about "mistaken soulmate"? Also--you might try a thesaurus, if you haven't.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie, why would you want to call this person a thesaurus? Is there something I'm missing here?
Cathy, in every relationship there is one who loves and one who allows himself to be loved.(I forget who said it, and I'm not sure it's worth googling because I think it was originally said in French.)
This use of Lover and Beloved immediately calls to mind the Greek e)rwn and
e)rwmenos. Is this what you are aiming at?
Bingley
Bingley
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Pooh-Bah
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I was going to suggest Once-Beloved but I like Ember. No implication of anger or dislike, just a fading out. Once-Beloved implies a greater distance in the past with less current emotion.
PS welcome to the board.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Jackie, why would you want to call this person a thesaurus? Because he couldn't get a taxi. 
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