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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 3,065 |
I've never been able to see what's actually wrong with "It was a dark and stormy night." myself, but be that as it may, here, copied from another board I frequent, are this year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton prize for worst opening sentence of a novel:
| >
| > 10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to
| > break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."
| >
| > 9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
| >
| > 8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a
| > tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair,
| deep
| > azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that
| vied
| for
| > competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
| defied
| > description."
| >
| > 7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he
| > crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre
| creep.'"
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| > 6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of
| narcissism,
| was
| > about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon
| > to become the woman he loved."
| >
| > 5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her
| from
| > eeking out a living at a local pet store."
| >
| > 4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then
| penguins
| > often do."
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| > 3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese,
| > the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
| >
| > 2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the
| > meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of
| danger
| and
| > spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal
| tendencies."
| >
| > AND THE WINNER IS...
| >
| > 1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept
| > along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the
| castle
| > window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown
| asunder,
| > gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside
| her,
| > disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly,
| 'You
| > lied!'"
Bingley
Bingley
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Posts: 13,858
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Yes, Bingley. Those do make Bulwer-Lytton look good. I think jealousy is principal reason
for dissing him.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10,542 |
I think jealousy is principal reason for dissing [Bulwer-Lytton].
You are as impervious as an araphorostic shoe.
-Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer, _Pelham, or The Adventures of a Gentleman_ (1828)
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jan 2001
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Gotta rise outa you, didn't I?
"Anaphorostic" sounds like a coinage for a waterproof shoe,etc.
But for "phoros" only meaning I could find was:
1.tribute, esp. the annual tax levied upon houses,
lands, and persons
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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uhnh. ( Replying only by monosyllables to the gay bavardage of the Knight. - Lytton, _Rienzi_ )
araphorostic - unsewn, seamless
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Meanwhile, although I'm glad you reminded us that it's that time again!, Bingley, I have to say I'm pretty disappointed by these. They seem so silly and not at all in the great Bulwer-Lytton spirit. They are merely joke-ettes, puns, unto themselves.
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old hand
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old hand
Joined: Dec 2000
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>They are merely joke-ettes, puns, unto themselves Yeah, I kept wondering whether or not a novel would, or could follow these oneliners, and if so, whether anyone might actually read them. Perhaps the judges were getting confused between the 'wittiest' and the 'worst' - I mean you gotta ask yourself, how does one get elected to judge such a competition anyway? Regardless of the individual artistic motivation of each author though  , I think they're a pretty funny dumb laugh.
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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Posts: 1,819 |
In reply to:
"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
This sounds more like a Tom Swifty to me.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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old hand
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old hand
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I have to say I'm pretty disappointed by these. They seem so silly and not at all in the great Bulwer-Lytton spirit. They are merely joke-ettes, puns, unto themselves. The last one sounds familiar, but I don't think the rest are authentically from the contest. For one, they're too short. For two, this was obviously from an e-mail, most likely and erroneous joke one at that. For three, the contest always has a ton of different categories, lot just a simple list like that. And for four, the official website for the contest: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/ doesn't have anything for 2003 yet.
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