#72024
06/05/2002 1:51 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
Sent to me by a friend:
When I was just a youngster Uncle John was in the
fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers, called pullets, and eight roosters whose job
was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any
rooster or pullet that did not perform well went into the
pot and was replaced.
Now this took an awful lot of time so my uncle got a set
of tiny bells, each with it's own distinctive ring, and attached
them to the roosters. Now he could sit and fill out his
efficiency reports by listening to the sound of the bells.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine
specimen he was but his bell had not rung all morning.
Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were
chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in
his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up to a pullet, do
his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle John was so
proud that he entered him into the county fair. Brewster
was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded Brewster the No Bell Prize but
the Pullet Surprise as well.
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#72025
06/07/2002 7:42 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 11,074 Likes: 2
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 11,074 Likes: 2 |
Y'know, I don't think there's a comeback to that one...
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#72026
06/07/2002 8:22 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
Y'know, I don't think there's a comeback to that one...
I sure can't come up with one. But it does prompt a question for Animal Safari ...
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#72027
06/08/2002 1:56 AM
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 275
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 275 |
Geoff,
I don't have a comeback for this one either (or is it neither?) But I do wish you have other friends who can send us more of this stuff.
And by the way I always wondered about those people who authored some of the most amusing and quite brilliant pieces which have been forwarded to almost everyone who has e-mail during the early days when e-mail was a novelty. (Remember?) Who were they, they were never properly recognized, I think.
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#72028
06/08/2002 4:04 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
I always wondered about those people who authored some of the most amusing and quite
brilliant pieces which have been forwarded to almost everyone who has e-mail during the early days when
e-mail was a novelty. (Remember?) Who were they, they were never properly recognized, I think.
Do a Google or Teoma search of "Urban Legends" and you'll find a lot of good stories.
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#72029
06/08/2002 5:39 AM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296 |
All right, already. Something's wrong with this story. I never heard of keeping a lot of roosters in a chicken yard. Wouldn't the roosters just be too busy fighting each other to contribute much to the romantic efforts desired? Don't people who keep chickens in open yards generally just have one rooster because they don't want their cocks in bloody battles all the time? It's been a long time since I've been around chickens since we're all hay here on the farm, but I've been nonplussed by this joke.
Bwock, bwock,
WW
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#72030
06/08/2002 3:31 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
Of course, WW, you're correct, but YOU of the poetic soul a literalist? Oh, noooooo..... 
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#72031
06/08/2002 3:37 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
Some of these are repeats, but, what the heck:
T - SHIRT SAYINGS
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a
cigarette. (I don't like this one, since I'm an anti-smoking fanatic!)
2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute
of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on
Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to
kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out
alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk
to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth.... is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
14) I want to die in my sleep, like my
grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the
passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people; He made so many of
them.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get
you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
21) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
22) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With
A------s!
23) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year
old)
24) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted
to Be When I Grew Up"
25) "Procrastinate..... Now"
26) "Rehab..... Is for Quitters"
27) "My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone"
28) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want
Fries With That?"
29) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size
shirt)
30) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to do every thing
I've been doing since I was 15"
31) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names"
32) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with
the software."
33) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"
34) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
35) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance"
36) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
37) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
38) "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was
already taken"
39) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless
dead"
40) "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit
the Frog
41) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have
nothing to go on."
42) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped
once."
43) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN
GOSH"
44) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment for a pig."
45) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20
years."
46) "The trouble with life is there's no background
music."
47) "The original point and click interface was a
Smith & Wesson."
48) "MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile
Island cleanup team."
49) "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning-medicine."
50) "My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
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#72032
06/08/2002 4:58 PM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 872
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 872 |
_____ No! Geoff. I liked the chicken joke best!______ ` `  >--> But thank you anyway >--> 
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#72033
06/08/2002 9:16 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
No! Geoff. I liked the chicken joke best! Oh, a smoker, eh? Well, we can still be freinds if you stay downwind!
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#72034
06/08/2002 11:33 PM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
OK, another silly - for the "foodies:"
Chocolate is a Vegetable. How do I know? Here's how:
>Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived
>from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them
>in
>the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step
>further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy
>bars are a health food.
>
>Chocolate covered: Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
>strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
>
>If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
>slowly.
>
>The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot
>car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
>
>Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
>your
>appetite, and you'll eat less.
>
>Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
>
>Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do today. That
>way,
>at least you'll get one thing done.
>
>A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in
>one place. Now, isn't that handy?
>
>If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An
>entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can
>you?
>
>REMEMBER: 'Stressed' spelled backward is 'desserts'.
>
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#72035
06/09/2002 12:39 AM
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296 |
Geoff and Milo,
I'm confused. I don't understand why Milo liked the chicken joke best, first of all, since he didn't say, and I especially don't understand why Geoff deduced that Milo smokes just because Milo said he liked the chicken joke best. Will one of you please explain the malarkey exchanged between you two? And also please answer this question: Because I didn't understand the joke, does this intellectual lack on my part conclusively prove that I am incapable of ever understanding Finnegan's Wake even with a stack of reference books and a personal tutor?
Best regards,
WorriedWind
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#72036
06/09/2002 3:14 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
DubDub, I jumped to a conclusion WRT Milo's comments. Maybe he is a smoker, maybe not, but that's what I thunk he was referring to. Milum, your turn! As for Finnegan's Wake, I thought that was the water being pushed aside as he was towed out to sea.  And you think YOU don't understand it? Move over, girl, ya gots company!
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#72037
06/09/2002 3:16 AM
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 819 |
Hey, when did my hands get old? I was a newbie yesterday! I demand new hands!!!
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#72038
06/09/2002 3:46 AM
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688
addict
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addict
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688 |
Hey, when did my hands get old? I was a newbie yesterday! I demand new hands!!!
Looks like about 27 posts ago by my count! Congrats sweety! [kiss-e]
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#72039
06/09/2002 1:41 PM
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
when did my hands get old?
[checking own hands for liver-spots -e] Dang! !#!@%&*$!@#!!!
As stated elsewhere, "I hate liver!"
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#72040
06/09/2002 2:54 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,661
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,661 |
...chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food...I don't get it. 
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#72041
06/09/2002 9:32 PM
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688
addict
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addict
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 688 |
...chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food...
I don't get it. musick, musick, musick! You must not be a true Chocoholic like I am then! I have used all of these excuses at one time or another to qualify the one pure pleaseure I had in my life...eating chocolate! Alas, those days are gone.  One month ago, I was given a life sentence of a diagnosis of diabetes. No more chocolate for me. [crying-e]
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