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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 389
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 389 |
Happy New Year many of you!
I have a question, if you please.
In this sentence, from a short poem that I just wrote, is "we" correct? Should it be "us'?
You don’t care, you have no imagination.
Yet you can remove, by mindless bluster, the common - all too common sorrow from we thoughtful human fools if we dare to face you, spread our quiescent wings, and let go.
Peace. Be well.
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 3,290
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 3,290 |
Yet you can remove [...] the common [...] sorrow from we thoughtful human fools if we dare to face you
I'd use the form us as the pronoun is the object of the preposition from, it must bethe objective form, us. It sounds as bad as the hypercorrection between you and I.
Ceci n'est pas un seing.
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 7,210
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 7,210 |
I like the sound of 'we thoughtful', but if you remove 'thoughtful human fools' it definitely should be us.
formerly known as etaoin...
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 389
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 389 |
I’m grateful to you both.
I liked the sound of we,
but us it will be.
Thanks for dispelling uncertainty.
(yes - I have a day job)
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 876
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 876 |
I agree with you that we sounds nicer. Do you think it helps to lessen the pain if you add a couple of commas, thereby causing the reader to pause slightly and blunt the awkward effect? Like this:
Yet you can remove, by mindless bluster, the common - all too common sorrow from us, thoughtful human fools, if we dare to face you, spread our quiescent wings, and let go.
It may change the meaning for you, I don't know. I must admit, I'd like to read the whole poem. Whomever you are writing this to cannot be much loved by you!
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803 |
It's interesting that the wrong choice sounds nicer to some. Just goes to show; linguistic change right before our very eyes.
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
Owlie!  we thoughtful human fools is the expected phrase if 'we' is the subject. But it's obvious that all too common sorrow from we is incorrect. It's also obvious what would be correct by mentally omitting a couple of words, as in 'all too common sorrow from we if we dare to face you'.
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 389
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 389 |
Thanks all,
I'm certainly always looking to lessen the pain!
Here's the whole thing - as it is this morning.
Must go shovel snow very soon.
Like to Sail
Are you trying to kill me with a windfall limb?
Help me fly a kite?
Push me down a city block even if I don’t want to go that way?
Will you blow my love to me?
Blow them away?
But thanks for making so much kindling available.
I often mistake those pin oak leaves
That you push across my path,
Now east now west,
For skittering rodents,
Cute ones, terrified of being run over,
Like toads in a Spring rain.
Brown brittle leaves, done growing but still running.
You don’t care, you have no imagination.
Yet you can remove, by mindless bluster,
The common - all too common sorrow
From us thoughtful human fools
If we dare to face you,
Spread our quiescent wings,
And let go.
Owlie 2010
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 876
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 876 |
Now it all makes sense, and fits perfectly! You are quite the poet, and you've got literary wings fit to challenge the wind... :0)
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 389
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 389 |
Thanks again.
That's very flattering.
My younger son & wife don't like the title.
He says - don't have a title.
He may be right.
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
Hmm...Indifferent Wind? Disinterested (Wind)? Maybe he's right--no title.
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,295
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2006
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I like your poem very much just the way it is now and I think your younger son and wife are right. It needs no title at all.
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 389
enthusiast
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enthusiast
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 389 |
OK - thanks again.
Here's the new title:
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803 |
So, when you talk about it will you call it the poem formerly known as Like to Sail?
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,154
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,154 |
It's lovely, very evocative.
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Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 35
newbie
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newbie
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 35 |
I liked the poem, its imagery.
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