Speaking of which, once the Ark has grounded on relatively dry land and the animals have all dispersed to eat each other in peace, God contacts Noah again.

"Noah," he said. "Noah, I have another task for you."

Noah stamps (or splashes muddily) on the ground, in no mood for another losing contract.

"Lord," he said, "Haven't I done enough? I build the Ark as you commanded, I worked as an animal tamer and trainer for 40 days. I didn't even eat the dove although we were sorely tempted after twenty-eight straight days on lentils and dried bean." Sighs. "Oh well, what do you want?"

"Noah," the Lord said in a reflective tone of voice, "I want you to build another Ark."

Noah is flabbergasted. "Another o' them mothers, Father? You know what you're askin', given that little spring shower you coughed up lasstime washed damned near every tree ever planted into the water?"

"Yep," agreed the Horde of Toasts, cheerily. Pause. "Only bigger this time. Much bigger."

"Bigger?" gasps Noah. "How MUCH bigger?" And where, oh where, he wondered, would he get the wood?

"Well," says Yahweh, "You can take the size of that wreck over there and cube it."

"But Lord," protests the Unsuspecting Carpenter of Ararat, "That'd make it twenty decks high!"

"Sounds about right," the Pi in the Sky replies. "Get going! Time's a wastin'!"

Noah contemplates suicide briefly, but realises that that would only make things worse all round, although the free brimstone would be welcome. Ararat is 12,000 feet high and not exactly tropical.

"Lord," he mutters finally, capitulating. "And what do you want me to put in it?"

"Oh, that's easy," God replies. "Trout. Lots of trout. Swimming in water, of course."

Noah is now beyond surprise. But he has to ask. "Why trout, Lord?" And where the hell am I going to find them? he wonders.

"Oh, I dunno," the Man replies. "Just kinda fancied a multi-storey carp ark."

Courtesy of Bunty Kennedy, BBC Radio 2.


The idiot also known as Capfka ...