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Garrison Keillor: We'll continue with our English Accent Contest after this word from Earl's Academy of Accents in
the Maplewood Mall. Earl-- --

TR (SWEDISH): Yeah, here at Earl's we teach, oh, I'd say about fourteen different accents, thirteen or
fourteen, and you know, I'd say that the English accent is about our most popular one, wouldn't you say
that, there, Inge?

TR (SWEDISH WOMAN): Oh yeah, it's English, that's for sure. Gotta be English then.

TR (SWEDISH): Yeah, we used to get more for the French, but now it's the English. Yeah.

GK: Very good. Earl's Academy of Accents in the Maplewood Mall. A good accent could be helpful to
your career ---- if you're a dancer or a violinist and you happen to be from Bismarck, N.D., don't be from
Bismarck, be from St. Petersburg. It'll help.

TR (RUSSIAN): I used to be from Bismarck, and now I'm from St. Petersburg. It really helped me a lot.

GK: Of course it did. If you're making a career in the food industry, you don't want a voice like this---

TR (MIDWESTERN): So howdja like that Beaujolais then, huh? That hit the spot?

GK: You want a voice like this----

TR (FRENCH): The wine, monsieur, I think you will appreciate the body, the texture, the --- the--- what
do you call it--- the (FRENCH GIBBERISH)-----

GK: Or you want a voice like this-----

TR (ITALIAN): This Barolo, this is really a beautiful wine, so--- it's so--- so---- (ITALIAN
GIBBERISH)----

GK: You don't want this voice.

TR: (MIDWEST) I got a Barolo, I got a Chianti, they're both real good. Real fine.

GK: And of course if you're not bright, if you have no aesthetic taste whatsoever, if you're obsessed with
violence and wealth and kinky sex, but you still want to seem cultured among midwesterners, this accent
will open every door----

TR (BRIT): Oh, what a pleasure to see you. Dear, dear, dear. Oh my. How thrilling. How divine.

GK: No matter what you're selling, you can get a higher price with that voice.

TR (BRIT): These are our tea cosies and they're hand-woven by vicars' wives in Lancashire.

GK: Useful for authors too.

TR (BRIT): I'd like to read a few lines from my novella, Fearsome Hove The Twilight Hour.

GK: Earl's Academy of Accents. Maybe they can help you.

TR (SWEDISH): Yeah, give us a call and we'll see what we can do.

(TRUMPET FANFARE)