silence is powerful 'weapon' in a battle.. in the case of an arguement, if two people disagree, and one choices silence... the arguement is ended.
the party that continues to rail, or rant or rave hasn't won the arguement..but its ended all the less-- an arguement (whether polite, and reasoned, or wild and wooly) requires two (or more) --you can't fight with your self (effectively!)
parties outside the arguement can keep silent too, and this isn't taking sides. (and escalating it) ...Parents uses silence all the time with kids bickering.. when kids realize they can 'engage a parent' by bickering.. they will bicker and fight more... so a parent's ignoring the bickering, reduces it.
but long term, parents deal with childrens arguements, by teaching them tolerence, or ways to manage.. (the classic 'sharing' strategy of one person cut (the cake, the candy bar, what ever) and the other person get first choice.)
i think, one cause of problems, is someone, acting good naturedly, who 'comes to the defence' of a other, whom he/she feels has been wronged-PUBLICLY.
i was in a work situation, where an other employee, who i got along with, and felt very comfortable with, 'mock swatted' me (on the behind) with a single sheet of paper rolled loosely into a baton. --we had a bantering type relationship, and the 'swat' while unusual, was not out of the character of our relationship.(it was also barely perceptable)
a third person saw this, and told me, 'you know you don't have take that kind of abuse from him'. i explained, i wasn't abused, and i didn't take abuse..
she persued the matter-- she claimed it made her feel uncomfortable to see me abused.. and that this guy shouldn't be permitted to abuse female employees!(no one else had any complaints about him)
--the guy nearly lost his job.. (it ruined our friendship, even though he knew i was not part of the action-) and it made everyone in the office uncomfortable..
the person who complained had been working there less than 1 month, the guy, had been there for years, 1 had worked there for 18 months or so.
I am sure she felt she was 'looking out for my interest' and 'protecting me' from this abusive man...but i didn't need her protections. she saw one interaction--not the full scope of the relationship, and decided to become a hero.
--i have worked in hostile environments, and i know what they feel like..and i have made complaints to management about abuse, (fortunately it was verbal, and not physical) but this incident has always bothered me. this poor guy went through hell, not for just cause, but because someone, not in full knowledge of the facts(of the relationship) made a snap judgement based on one 10 second interaction.
her silence.. (and the passage of time) would have made it clear to her that there was no abuse. she would still be entitled to her own opinion about the guy, and it might effect her relationship with him. but she could have watched and waited, and (as any one who knows me,knows!) she would have seen i am not a shy, submissive person, who is likely to tolerate abuse.
