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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 10,561 Likes: 1 |
It's not exactly a word post, (actually it's not a word post at all), but it sparkles with such charm that I thought I'd share it.
In fact, it's likely to be Urban Legend (or maybe I should say Rural Legend), but even so I thought it deserved a wider audience:
This purports to be an actual letter written by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:
Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
-- Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
And this is supposed to be the actual reply:
Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond.
First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, or supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I am concerned. Aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.
In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but even though you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.).
As far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146 |
Another oldie but goodie ...
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 10,561 Likes: 1
Carpal Tunnel
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OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 10,561 Likes: 1 |
Another oldie but goodie ...Goodier than I thought, it turns out. Take a look at what the Urban Legend gurus at Snopes.com have to say: http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.htm
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296 |
And it's good to have read that it wasn't an urban legend!
In taking a waterlands creation workshop, we learned that it's best to create a brand new waterlands where none exists in any form.
We also learned that it's best to build structures before beginning the waterland itself because of the number of permits and inspections that would be required once the waterland itself was in place--bridges, overlooks, piers, that kind of thing put in before bringing in the inspection groups to begin the waterland itself.
We learned it's a lot more involved if you want to alter a preexisting waterland in any way--even removing a plant that was overtaking others in an area you'd perhaps enhanced (with proper permits and inspections) in either an existing waterland or one you'd created from scratch.
If you needed to take out a beaver dam, I would think you'd need a permit and an inspection to do so; if you wanted to somehow modify the dam, you'd still need a permit and an inspection. This is my understanding of how the law works today.
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,773
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,773 |
Michigan's Wetlands Protection Act is a good example of a careful choice of terms to promote a desired political goal. Before saturated lands became the subject of close regulation, we all called them swamps. Somehow, the "Swamp Protection Act" wasn't as easy to sell.
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296
Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,296 |
Oh, and here's an interesting computation exercise to determine whether the US Feds would consider an area to be a wetland that I just learned about this past weekend:
1. First you determine the number of days in the growing season for the specific area you're examining. The growing season is determined from "first bud break" to "first frost."
2. Second, you count the total number of days the area you're investigating as either inundated or saturated with water with specific regard to consecutive days of inundation or saturation.
3. Finally, you determine whether the total number of consecutive inundated or saturated days for the area you're investigating is at least 7.5% of the total growing season days.
If an area had a growing season of about 185 days, in order for a saturated area to qualify as a wetland by the Feds, it would only have to be saturated for about two weeks of consecutive days of saturation.
Officially, only about 5% of the US land currently qualifies as wetland areas, although we have lost fifty percent of the wetland areas we once possessed. Because of the loss, there are many grants and programs out there to encourage groups to create wetland areas to build back up our infiltration of land with water and to do something about the runoff of precipitation. One of the state park officials I talked to this past weekend said that because our county is under continual construction, runoff ends up flooding the state park water system with much eroded material that contaminates the lakes there by far more than any pollutants. The idea is to try to fight the adverse effects of construction-caused erosion.
There is a huge beaver lake at the park, by the way, that's been there for years and will continue to stay there. The beavers are active on this lake, but they move to different sections of the park for their activity. The area we examined hadn't had beaver activity in years.
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