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I'm trying to remember bits of Gerard Hoffnung's hilarious talk to the Oxford Union in which he quotes some replies from hotelkeepers regarding bookings. I'll hunt through my collection for the original 10-inch LP [remember them?] and post them here over the weekend. Any other Hoffnung fans out there?
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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other Hoffnung fans out there
YES
...we live by a precipice, and do hope you will drop in
... a french widow in every room
Please do post!
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Caterpillars and D9s here, yes, but not JCB's...Well, actually they are pretty much in evidence all over the world, but started out as a small UK agricultural machinery firm, founded by Mr JC Bamford. Here's their corporate blurb: “Since being established in 1945 by Joseph Cyril Bamford, JCB has become the fifth largest manufacturer of construction equipment in the world by volume. Growing from a small lock-up garage in Staffordshire to seven UK factory sites, a joint venture manufacturing plant in India, eight subsidiary sales companies and eleven regional offices around the world, JCB is one of Britain’s most impressive success stories. The company now produces a wide range of machines for use in construction, industrial and agricultural applications. One of the key factors in JCB’s outstanding success is the constant pursuit of new ideas. The first major innovation was the backhoe loader for which JCB is now world market leader. It was followed by the JCB Loadall, the world’s No.1 telescopic handler; the JCB Robot, the world’s safest skid steer; and the JCB Fastrac, the world’s first truly high speed tractor. The full range of products - backhoe loaders, telescopic handlers, wheeled loaders, mini excavators, skid steer loaders, rough terrain forklifts, tracked and wheeled excavators and the JCB high speed tractor are sold throughout the world. “ See the full glory including a virtual tour of some headquarters building: http://www.jcb.co.uk/index1.htmThe local Anglo-Welsh usage where I live is to call the backhoe a "Jack Codi Bawr", which roughly translates as Jack Earth Mover - something quite friendly-sounding, like Jack of all trades. So did the earth move for you? 
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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JCB's become very important when one has small children. I have known friends drive their children miles off route (pronounced root, as you may know) because they thought they might see a JCB.
First words - dada, mama, tractor, JCB!
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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First words - dada, mama, tractor, JCB!
Horribly true, all of it! And my 12 year old son has just rubbed my nose in it by disdainfully correcting my Welsh: "Jac Codi Baw, Daaad! There's no K in Welsh." So now you all know - there's a significant part of the land you sometimes refer to misguidedly as England, which not only has a seperate language but even has a different alphabet! Here endeth the lesson.
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Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
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>there's a significant part of the land you sometimes refer to misguidedly as England, which not only has a separate language but even has a different alphabet!
As I once lived in Wales I know what you mean! I await further instructions from Scotland as I have never heard JBC pronounced here. In England J=jay like lay, in Scotland J=jai to rhyme with high.
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Thanks Maverick. As foreshadowed, I have transcribed some gems from Gerard Hoffnung’s talk at the Oxford Union in 1958 which included the hilarious ‘bricklayer’s story’ and some replies received from Tyrolean landlords to letters seeking accommodation. For best effect, these should be read aloud, in a declamatory voice, to a responsive audience:
- I am honourable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I have here not bedroom with bath, but bathroom with bed I have. I can, though, give you a washing, with pleasure, in a most clean spring with no person to see. I insist that you will like this.
- I am amazing diverted by your entreaty for a room. I can offer you a commodious chamber with balcony imminent to the romantic gorge, and I hope you want to drop in.
- A vivacious stream washes my doorstep, so do not concern yourself that I am not too good in bath, I am superb in bed.
- Sorrowfully, I cannot abide your auto.
- Having freshly taken over the proprietary of this notorious house, I am wishful that you remove to me your esteemed costume. Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French widow in every bedroom – affording delightful prospects. I give personal look to the interior wants of each guest. Here you shall be well fed up and agreeably drunk. Our charges for weekly visitors are scarcely creditable. Peculiar arrangements for gross parties. Our motto is ‘Ever serve you right’.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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there's a significant part of the land you sometimes refer to misguidedly as England, which not only has a seperate language but even has a different alphabet!
I agree with you there. In my high school years we had a drama teacher from England who, on one fateful day, startled the class by asking a student to make the sound of a cock. Here in Canada a cock is not a male chicken but a protruding part of the male anatomy. Thirty awestruck students watched as one, very red-faced, fellow got up and went pssssssssssss. The sad part is that she started arguing about it, saying, "that was NOT the sound of a cock, I want a cock, a cock, don't you know what a cock is." Picture it...thirty 14 year olds (mention cock once in high school and you have a disturbance, several times and it is havoc). A bit high strung that teacher, she left soon after. Sad really.
Oh and to get back to original point. I live in Quebec, Canada where it is mandatory to have both French and English on everything, with French featured first. Public pools are identified with this dubious sign <PISCINE POOL> (pronounce "PISS IN POOL". I never go there.
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Carpal Tunnel
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Carpal Tunnel
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Reminds me of the time when I was about the same age, and Monty Python's Gumbies were all the rage. Our physics teacher (a woman of about forty) delighted us all by saying to one lad who had the rolled up trousers and handkerchief headgear appropriate to the part "Get your trousers down properly." She was a good sport though and curled up with laughter herself when she realised what she'd said.
Bingley
Bingley
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enthusiast
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Public pools are identified with this dubious sign <PISCINE POOL> (pronounce "PISS IN POOL". I never go there.
Reminds me of the way I was taught to spell some words, eg: PSALM - silent P, as in pool 
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