|
|
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
|
OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146 |
This will be totally unintelligible to some of you, I'm sure ...  It would also work with Englishmen and Welshmen!  A New Zealand ventroloquist is visiting Australia. While he's visiting a small town, he sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun. Ventriloquist: "G'Day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?" Aussie: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi." Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?" Dog: "I'm Doin' all right." Aussie: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this Aussie your owner?" (pointing at Aussie). Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good mate - he walks me twice a day, feeds me great tucker and takes me to the lake once a week to play" Aussie: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Aussie: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either ....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Aussie) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regular, brushes me down often and keeps me in a barn to protect me from the rain." Aussie: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Aussie: "The sheep's a f*****g liar!"
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 6,511
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 6,511 |
I got it, unfortunately 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,636 |
Isn't this where the female joke readers say "That's disgusting!"? [tee-hee] It kind of reminds me of a song a friend of mine sings. I don't think she wrote it, but I googled and couldn't find it. All about a young man from Appalachia going off to college and learning how to spend money on wine, women and song. He convinces his father that he has found someone that can teach their old dog, Blue, to talk. All he needs is a bunch of money. After spending all the money, Christmas break rolls around and the father is so excited. He wants to hear his dog talk. The son and the dog are on the train going home when the son realizes that he's going to have to push the dog off the train and so he does it. When he gets to the station, the father says "Where's ol' Blue?" The son tells him how they were talking up a storm all the way back home. Then ol' Blue started talking about what he'd seen Dad and the neighbor's wife doing in the barn. The son said he thought his dad might not want ol' Blue telling his mom about that, so he pushed him off the train. The dad stood there a minute rubbing his chin. Then he said"Son, I just have one question for you. Did you go back and make sure that dog was dead?"
"Well, I got a dog an' his name is Blue. Bet you five dollars he's a good dog, too."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 2,891 |
That is so baaaad. I think somebody is due for a fleecing 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858 |
The sheep was just going to complain that she didn't get a coat to protect her from the cold after being shorn.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 13,803 |
dog...horse...sheep
Whereat's the weasels?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 618
addict
|
|
addict
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 618 |
Whereat's the weasels?I NEVER!!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 13,858 |
Weasel? Somebody must be really worn down.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189 |
Well, it seems the most sheepish people like sheep jokes...(and the stingiest people like cheap jokes?)  Where's TEd when you need 'im?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 96
journeyman
|
|
journeyman
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 96 |
Forgive me Aussies! I just read this in a mag
An aussie is strolling down the road with a sheep under each arm , he meets a friend walking in the opposite direction
friend: "are you shearing? "
sheepbloke: " no mate i'm gonna F**k 'em both meself"
the Duncster
the Duncster
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 3,467 |
Why, right here with a story!
God, how I loved that little flower shop. Of course it's closed now. The owner's in St. Elizabeth's. Probably won't get out until sometime after Hinkley does. You remember him, the guy who shot Reagan. President Reagan. Back about twenty five years or so ago. Yeah, most people try to forget.
But I wish you could have seen that little place in its prime. The only flower shop in DC with a revolving door. Like they have in fancy hotels. but it was what was just inside the door that always caught my fancy. George had this great big room about twenty feet square, kind of a lobby I guess you'd have called it. And that room was just full of statues. All of em sheep. George had a thing for sheep.
Now, I have to tell you this right up front. I wasn't there for the sanity hearing. I've read the transcripts, even though they're sealed to protect the public. But I think the public has a right to know. I'll probably go to jail for contempt of court. But I've only got a few months left, so maybe they'll be lenient on me.
Here goes. George's best friend is a guy named Sam, who travels a lot, and hardly ever got back to Washington. But one day, the revolving door ejected Sam into George's lobby, where he was greeted as a long lost brother. "God, Sam, it's good to see you. Want some coffee?"
"Love some, George. Then we can ait in the conversation nook here and catch up." No sooner had they settled in than Sam took a look around. "Interesting room, George. Love the statu- ary. Particularly that one over in the corner. The alabaster one."
George's eyes lit up. "Yes, that's my favorite of the whole lot, isn't she a beauty? A Merino. I had her specially commis- sioned a few years ago."
Sam sat for a moment, puzzlement evident on his face. Fi- nally, he spoke, "Gee, George, if she's so special why do you have her hidden in the corner like that behind a potted palm? If i owned that statue I'd have it all by itself with a spotlight on it and special flowers around it. It truly deserves that kind of treatment."
George smiled ruefully. "That's what I thought. But it didn't work. I had her over there opposite the doorway when I first got her. But I had to hide her. It was either that or go bankrupt."
"Huh? Bankrupt? What the hell you talking about, George?" "Sam, I don't expect you to believe this. But I'll tell you anyway. When I had the Merino over there by herself instead of hidden in the corner the customers stayed away in droves. They'd come in one side of the revolving door, see the statue as the door turned, and keep right on going out the other side. Busi- ness was off about 93 percent. Nothing but phone orders. And those were dwindling as word got around."
"Word? What word? George, this doesn't make any sense at all."
"Tell me. I couldn't figure out what it was, so I began calling my best customers and asking them point blank what was wrong. Every one of them told me that the setup in the lobby, with that one statue by itself, gave the whole entryway an aura of perversity. And before you ask, I haven't the slightest idea why. It just did. I pushed her back in the corner there, sent out letters to all my customers, and things are finally turning around a little. Most of them are starting to come back. But, damn it Sam, I do not understand it to this day."
Sam thought for a minute. "Well, George, I guess it proves what Smokey Bear always said. Lonely ewes can pervert florist foyers."
And to this day George drools onto his straight jacket.
TEd
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146 |
!
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,189 |
Only you, TEd!...only you!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 11,613 |
No, no, Sweet WO'N--you missed the point: lonely ewe.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
OP
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 3,146 |
! 'Ere, are ewe trying to pull the wool over TEd's eyes? You're a bit of a dag, ewe are. More of that and you'll be dog tucka! Here, Mariah, come and have a taste of Aunty Jackie, there's a good girl. That's right, herd her through the door. She's in your power!
The idiot also known as Capfka ...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
Hmmmm... TEd's sheep is specifically a Merino. Clearly that is a political post, aruging that when US troops are sent to police foreign lands, the interests of US companies there suffer. The moral of his story is that business suffers where the Marine-o-versees.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 3,409 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605
Carpal Tunnel
|
|
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,605 |
Sorry, Max! You and I must remain undiscouraged by ours failure, solaced by the knowledge that in punning, a 40% success ratio is excellent (except for pros like TEd)! The phrase involved would be more familiar to USn's. "Send in the Merinos!" he said sheepishly. http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,186862,00.html
|
|
|
|
Forums16
Topics13,913
Posts229,330
Members9,182
| |
Most Online3,341
Dec 9th, 2011
|
|
|
0 members (),
917
guests, and
0
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
