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OP
OP
LOL, tsuwm.
Social Psychology!
OP
|
| You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of
| Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a
| perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the exam.
|
| 1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an
| equal amount L_0. Bob then accelerates to .9c. In Joe's rest frame, how much
| does God now love Bob?
|
| 2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with sheep S.
| a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following the act if the
| sheep was not willing?
| b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically being willing, could
| not be said to mind either?
|
| 3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy
| plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the
| direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates
| bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude
| towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved?
| (Hint: Assume a point soul.)
|
| 4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human
| weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an
| alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time
| t + 10 sec.?
|
| 5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level
| for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats .3 kg of pork, and enjoys it
| very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything.
| a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
| b. (10 pts.)Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't so damn
| smug now, is he?
|
| Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo
| transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many
| Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
|
| Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.
meta-physical quiz:
is this funny? does it harm anyone? whom does it intend to harm?
Reminds me of a word in the dictionary game (what my family calls the analog version of Hogwash®). The word was oam (can't recall spelling - believe it was a Scots word, meaning steam or some such), which my partner defined as "a unit of measure of personal salvation" and gave the example "having completed the pilgrimage, the penitent moved two oams closer to salvation." We've used it ever since.
God created heaven and the earth. Quickly, he was faced with a class action
suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a
temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist
order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing with the Environmental Protection Agency, God was
asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that
he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded
to know how the light would be made. "Would there be strip mining? What
about thermal pollution?" God explained that the light would come from a
huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light,
assuming that no smoke or pollution would result from the ball of fire. He
would also obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, would turn the
light off half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day"
and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested
in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and bare much seed". The EPA
agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring
forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the
earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from The
Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
Audubon Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six
days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be a 10-12 month approval period before...
At this point God created Hell.
These are almost too sad to be funny...but hey are! Here's a couple samples:
Personal Encounters
Grady's grandfather was sitting in the
outhouse doing his business one day.
The family mule was scratching his rear
on the outhouse wall. Thinking to amuse
himself, Grandpa pulled a long splinter
from the wall and stuck it in the mule's
ass." Instead of bucking around the yard
as expected, the mule kicked back with
extreme force, collapsing the outhouse.
Gramps had to be pulled from the family
history using a rope."
"My dad says he was driving along the
road a while back, and he saw a
no-armed farmer kicking hay into a
baling machine. No need to wonder
where he lost his limbs..." -drebrooks.
Mad Trombonist
1998 Urban Legend
(August 1998, Uruguay) In a misplaced moment of inspiration, Paolo
Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Symphonica Maya de Uruguay,
decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired during
a performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor
children's concert.
In complete disregard of common sense, he dropped a large lit
firecracker, equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into
his aluminum straight mute, and then stuck the mute into the bell of
his new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.
Later from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through a mask
of bandages, "I thought the bell of my trombone would shield me from
the explosion and focus the energy of the blast outwards and away
from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra like a rocket."
However Paolo was not to speed on his propulsion physics, nor was
he qualified to wield high-powered artillery. Despite his haste to raise
the horn before the firecracker exploded, he failed to lift the bell of the
horn high enough for the airborne mute's arc to clear the orchestra.
What happened should serve as a lesson to us all during our own
delirious moments of divine inspiration.
First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the
blast propelled the mute between rows of musicians in the woodwind
and viola section, where it bypassed the players and rammed straight
into the stomach of the conductor, driving him backwards off the
podium and directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience was sitting in folding chairs and thus they
protected from serious injury. The chairs collapsed under the first
row, and passed the energy from the impact of the flying conductor
backwards into the people sitting behind them, who in turn were
driven back into the people in the third row and so on, like a row of
dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of
people falling on their behinds increased geometrically, adding to the
overall commotion of cannons and brass playing the closing
measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, unplanned audience choreography notwithstanding, Paolo
Esperanza's Waterloo was still unfolding back on stage. According to
Paolo, "As I heard the sound of the firecracker blast, time seemed to
stand still. Right before I lost consciousness, I heard an Austrian
accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekval unt opposeet
reakshon!" This comes as no surprise, for Paolo was about to
become a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.
Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he paved the way
for the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas
backwards through the mouthpiece, which slammed into his face like
the hand of fate, burning his lips and face and knocking him mercifully
unconscious.
The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so
great it split the bell of his shiny new Yamaha trombone right down
the middle, turning it inside out while propelling Paolo backwards off
the riser. For the grand finale, as Paolo fell to the ground, his limp
hands lost their grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the
pressure of the hot gases to propel the slide like a golden spear into
the head of the third clarinetist, knocking him senseless.
The moral of the story? The next time a trombonist hollers "Watch
this!" you'd better duck!
DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2001
The moral of the story? The next time a trombonist hollers "Watch
this!" you'd better duck!
Thsi reminds me of the story of the three bass viol players for the New York Symphony Orchestra, which was preswenting Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. If you aren't a serious musician, you may not know this. The viol players sit on their hands from midway through the first movement right up until the finale, when they have a significant role in the music.
Anyway, the no 1 viol player suggested to his colleagues that they sneak out to the bar next door rather than sit there being bored. They proceeded to get thoroughly schnokkered, and were wending their way back to their seats when they heard the music. "My God," slurred the no. 2 viol player, "Our part's going to come up before we can get back."
"No," said the no. 1 guy. "I took the precaution of wrapping the conductor's sheet music with strong twine that he's going to have to cut open. That'll take at least three minutes. No problem."
Truly, it was the end of the fifth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.
TEd
Yes, but the cymbals would clash.
Does anyone have the letter, in like vein, I read about a year ago? The local EPA or DNR or the like had charged a gentleman with allowing branches and fallen trees, on his land, to obstruct a small steam. He replied that beavers (not he) had built that dam: if the government wanted to deal with it they'd have to write to the dam beavers, find someone to translate into their dam beaver language, and (since the beavers were indigent) appoint a dam attorney for them. etc., etc.
I believe this was an actual case, out of Michigan. Apparently Helen of Troy (our poster) is not of Troy, Michigan (that is, Helen of Troy is no Spartan), but perhaps Sparteye can illuminate me?
http://www.uhuh.com/fun/humor/damepa.htm
I am going to charge myself with a humor morals charge: blowing a joke. Of COURSE you are correct, and that's the way I usually tell that story. It must've been the excitement of being back here where I belong :)
TEd
The paterfamilias of a backwoods mountain family had decided that it was time to relocate the outhouse, since the pit was filled up. So he and his sons dug a new hole and dragged the outhouse over it and got it in place. This took them until supper time, so they knocked off and went in to eat without doing anything about covering up the old cesspit. After supper they proceeded to get drunk on white lightning and went to bed.
In the middle of the night, grandpa, who was very hard of hearing and never heard anything anyone was saying, got up to go to the outhouse. Not knowing it had been moved, in the dark he fell into the old cesspit. He hollered in his loudest voice, "Fire! Fire!" The family came running and pulled him out. One of his grandsons asked, "Grampaw, why did you yell Fire?" The old man replied, "Why you damnfool, would you have paid any attention if I hollered Shit!?"
OP
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the
six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and an-
other three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish
as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the manage-
ment is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning
the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I
am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which
were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of
further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that
you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-
room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of
soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap
to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assis-
tance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from
my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since
our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service
a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept
my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came
in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little
bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize
I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please
give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was
missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been
taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily [sic]. I
don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your
maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought
24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea
this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:
On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill
is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am
keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Here’s another real-life tale of terrible reiteration, thanks to Jon at silicon.com:
And now for another of our reader's digital blunders… A Mr Smith (actually his real name) told us: "We had a colleague who liked to use the 'I'm out of the office' auto-reply feature on email. Unfortunately, just before he went on holiday, he tried to send a fax out, through a networked fax system, but mis-addressed it. The fax system replied to tell him this about 10 minutes later (after he'd gone on holiday). His email account then replied to the fax system that he was on holiday. The fax system kindly replied that the new email didn't have a valid fax number on. And after several thousand arguments, a few hours later the company’s whole computer system ran out of disk space."
You can read more of these at http://www.silicon.com/goto-Digital-round
OP
> to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back
> in his head.
>
> The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
> operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
>
> The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can
> help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
>
> .... There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
>
> The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
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